ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our 70s, and although our adult children live nearby, they rarely visit us. It is always considered “more convenient” for us to go to them.

For years, I decorated our home from top to bottom for Christmas. I loved the tree, the lights and the feeling that I was creating something special for our family. But now I find myself wondering why I bother.

On Christmas Eve, we may see one of our children’s families for three hours. Half the time, the adults fall asleep on the couch. Then they are well rested and ready to celebrate with the other in-laws on Christmas Day, while my husband and I are left alone.

Our other child sometimes invites us over on Christmas Day, but by 5 p.m., everyone is in pajamas, the grandchildren are on their iPads and there is barely any food. It does not feel like a celebration. It feels like any other evening.

I have offered to host everyone, but our house is supposedly “too small.” It also seems unthinkable that the other grandparents might have to adjust their plans for once. Heaven forbid we upset the family apple cart.

Last year, my husband received a generous, thoughtful gift. I received an inexpensive last-minute item they picked up so I would have something to open. They told me my “real gift” had been ordered, but it never arrived.

I do so much for my children and grandchildren, yet I often feel dismissed and unappreciated. I tolerate it because I love my grandchildren and want to be part of their lives.

Decorating used to bring me joy. Now, looking at the tree only reminds me how lonely the holidays have become. Should I bother decorating this year when it no longer makes me happy? — Christmas Spirit Running Low

Dear Running Low: Stop decorating for an audience that is not coming.

Put up what you like: a small tree, a wreath, a bowl of ornaments or nothing at all. Christmas is not a performance, and you are not the unpaid stage crew.

But your children may not understand how hurt you feel unless you tell them. Just tell them, plainly and truthfully, that you both miss being included, and you would like the holidays to feel more balanced.

You cannot force gratitude. But you can stop exhausting yourself while waiting for it.

Decorate for yourself, not for people who nap through Christmas. Try to focus on what you are grateful for in them and you will be surprised how they might be more appreciating. What we appreciate appreciates.

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 22 years, and my husband and I have three teenagers together. My issue is, I caught my husband cheating three years ago and found out that his affair had lasted six years. He claimed that he wasn’t getting his needs met at home. Nonetheless, it broke my heart and my trust.

I don’t know what I have to do to get past this. I even thought about or wished that someone could just knock it out of my brain. But triggers pop up everywhere. We can’t even watch a show together without someone having an affair, and it just triggers me and ruins the whole night. We continue to work on our marriage, as we both want it to work, but there are some days that I feel like I’m just being stupid and I should just leave.

We’ve tried couples counseling, and that didn’t work well. It just continued to bring up the past, and I didn’t want to. I’m not so sure if it’s the cheating that bothers me so much as the length of time he cheated on me, and how the heck did I not see it for that many years? — Lost in NJ

Dear Lost: Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

Regaining your husband’s trust is difficult but possible, and unfortunately, it does require bringing up the past. Avoidance will not make you forget. With the help of a counselor, you need to face the trauma and betrayal you endured so that you can move forward once and for all.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.