Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My wife and I are approaching our 70th birthdays this year. As we have aged, hosting company and taking care of visiting children and grandchildren has become more stressful. One of our daughters (my stepdaughter), “Janet,” visits with her 8-year-old daughter and 70-pound dog. The dog eats off the grandchild’s plate while she’s still eating, jumps on furniture and is not well-behaved much of the time. Also, Janet visits twice a year and stays anywhere from 10 days to two weeks each trip.

Recently, I decided to write a post on social media with some general rules for visiting children. I explained that we loved for them to visit but, because of our advanced age and health issues, we needed to establish some standard guidelines: “First, please help pick up after your children.” “Second, help out with household chores while visiting. If you want full maid service, go to a hotel. Third, before bringing a pet, check with us first. Well-behaved animals are welcome but it is based on our definition of ‘well behaved.'”

Responses from the kids were mixed. Our youngest, who is 33, fully understood the need for the rules. My daughter laughed about it but understood. Unfortunately, Janet and my stepson took great exception to the rules. Janet called her mother crying and squalling saying she was never coming back to visit until I apologized.

The daughter calls my wife on her cell every week or so complaining about me and telling her mother I need to apologize. This is keeping my wife upset, and I told my wife this daughter is being inconsiderate of her feelings and is exhibiting manipulative behavior. Help! — Stepdad

Dear Stepdad: Your medium undermined your message. It’s perfectly appropriate for you to ask your family members to help with chores, pick up after their children and clear it with you before bringing pets. In fact, it’s a shame that you even have to ask.

That being said, the best way to have that kind of conversation is in person. The second-best way is a phone call. The third-best way is an email. A social media post doesn’t even rank. Your stepdaughter and stepson might have perceived the post as passive-aggressive and embarrassing.

Whatever happens, it’s important that you and your wife harmonize on family dynamics.

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