ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My husband and I are in a painful disagreement about our children’s education. He went to boarding school as a teenager and says it was one of the best things that ever happened to him. He talks about the independence, friendships, the sports, the teachers and the confidence it gave him.

I did not go to boarding school. I grew up coming home every day to my parents, eating dinner at our kitchen table and being part of the ordinary rhythm of family life. To me, sending our children away at 14 or 15 feels heartbreaking. I know boarding school can be wonderful for some kids, but I cannot get past the idea of missing the little everyday moments that make a family a family.

Our oldest is entering high school soon, and my husband has started pushing hard for applications. He says I am being emotional and overprotective. I think he is romanticizing his own experience and forgetting that our children are not little versions of him.

The worst part is that our child is caught in the middle. Some days she seems excited by the idea. Other days she says she does not want to leave home. My husband hears only the excitement. I hear only the hesitation.

How do two parents make a decision this big when one sees boarding school as a gift and the other sees it as a loss? — Not Ready to Let Go

Dear Not Ready: Boarding school can be a wonderful gift. It can also be the wrong fit. The key word here is child.

Your husband is remembering his own story, while you are imagining your own loss. Both feelings are real, but neither should decide this alone.

This is not a vote on his childhood. It is not proof that you are too attached. It is a decision about this child, at this age, with this personality and these needs.

Visit schools together. Talk to current parents. Ask hard questions. How do they handle homesickness? What support is there for mental health? How often do students come home? What are weekends really like?

Then listen to your child. Do not sell either side. Ask, “What excites you?” Ask, “What scares you?” Then be quiet long enough to hear the answer.

Your husband may be right. Boarding school may help your child grow. You may be right, too. Staying home might be what your child needs now.

The answer is not in either parent’s past — but in your child’s present.

And remember, this is not all or nothing. You can apply and decide later. You can look at day schools. You can revisit boarding in a year.

Dear Annie: I’m writing about my sister, “Claire,” who seems to be living two completely different lives. By day, she’s a high-powered attorney, wearing tailored suits and commanding boardrooms. But on weekends, she disappears to a tiny town in Michigan, where she rents a cabin and paints. None of her colleagues know about her art, and she told me she doesn’t want them to find out.

Recently, Claire confided that she’s thinking of quitting her firm to paint full time. The problem is, she’s spent 15 years building her legal career, and her husband is firmly against the idea; he calls it a “phase.” I can see how much happier she is up north, but I also worry she’s about to throw away everything she’s worked for.

I love her and want to support her, but I don’t know whether to encourage the leap or remind her what she’d be giving up. How do you tell someone you love that chasing fulfillment might come with a very real cost? — Torn Between Logic and Love

Dear Torn: Before Claire trades her briefcase for a paintbrush, she needs to run the numbers. Can her husband’s income support their family while her painting gig gets off the ground? And if it doesn’t pan out, could she get back into law without too much damage to her resume?

Passion alone won’t keep the lights on. If Claire wants to make this transition, maybe she can ease in — part-time lawyer, part-time artist — until she knows for sure which one fits.

Dear Annie: I’m a mother of six, and my husband has become completely irresponsible. He shows no concern for our family’s well-being and refuses to contribute financially. I’m the only one working, juggling multiple jobs just to keep food on the table, yet he doesn’t appreciate my efforts.

He’s rejected every suggestion that might help him find work or become more supportive. Our children get no emotional care from him; he eats while they go hungry. He’s selfish and manipulative, and it’s taken a huge toll on my mental and physical health.

I’ve decided I need a separation for my own sanity, but I’m torn about what to do with the children. I thought about leaving them with him temporarily while I get back on my feet, but he refuses — he says if I leave, I must take them with me because he “can’t handle them.”

I feel terrible for giving my kids a father who won’t take responsibility, and I don’t know what’s best for them right now. Should I take the children and start over or leave them with him and try to rebuild myself first? — Exhausted but Trying

Dear Exhausted but Trying: If your husband shows no concern for his children’s well-being, why on earth would you leave them with him? Pack up, take your kids and start fresh. It won’t be easy — but it’ll be a whole lot easier than living every day drained by his selfishness. You’ve already been doing it all on your own. Now do it without the deadweight.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.