ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I met my husband three years ago, about eight months after he lost his first wife of 20 years. Their marriage was often toxic, and she was very abusive toward him. After she passed, he was ready to move on.

Right away, I knew something wasn’t right with my husband. In his mid-50s, he was having short-term memory issues, falling frequently and struggling with his mental health. After seeing his health care provider and enrolling in the Veterans Affairs health care system, we discovered he had suffered multiple traumatic brain injuries during his time in the Army. That diagnosis led to him becoming a 100% service-connected disabled veteran and allowed him to receive the care he needed for a better quality of life.

His family, however, waged a war against me for helping him, accusing me of manipulating and “brainwashing” him. My husband has distanced himself from them, and we’re no longer on speaking terms. My husband has a lot of anger toward them as he suffered for decades without their help or support.

His parents, who live in another state, are elderly and in poor health. I fear that if he doesn’t reconcile with them before they pass, he will resent me. I love my husband with all my heart, and this has been a hard road. I just want the very best for him, unconditionally. Any advice? — Wife on the Defensive

Dear Wife on the Defensive: You’ve been an incredible source of support for your husband. You recognized he was suffering and helped him get the care he so clearly needed. That’s not brainwashing; that’s being a spouse through good and bad, in sickness and in health.

It’s understandable to worry he might one day regret cutting ties with his parents, but reconciliation isn’t something you can or should force. That decision is up to your husband. If he ever expresses interest in reaching out to them again, support him gently. If not, trust that he’s made peace with that choice and knows what’s best for him, even if it’s painful.

Dear Annie: I have a friend who was diagnosed with lymphoma. She’s undergone treatment and is now in remission. Although her cancer is hereditary, she refuses to tell her adult children. She tells people she only has five years to live and uses that to manipulate family and friends to get what she wants.

She has changed, or at least I’ve started to see another side of her — one that constantly puts me down, uses me to complain about everyone and believes she is always right. It got to the point that I cringed every time she called. I lost nine cousins in a year, which really hurt. When I tried to tell her how sad I was, she just ignored me and changed the subject back to her.

I finally got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore, and to keep my sanity and get my self-esteem back, I cut her out of my life. Am I wrong to feel this way? — Exhausted by Her Cancer Card

Dear Exhausted: It sounds like you stood by your friend through a lot, and it certainly couldn’t have been easy for her to face that diagnosis and all that came with it. But being sick isn’t an excuse to be mean.

You didn’t cut ties because your friend had cancer; you stepped back because she wasn’t reciprocating the support and respect you were giving to her. Add to it that you were trying to navigate your own losses and grief, and still trying to hold space for her. At a certain point, we all reach our limit.

Walking away from a one-sided, draining relationship isn’t wrong. You were in survival mode, and you did what it took to protect your peace.

Dear Annie: My 23-year-old son graduated from college two years ago and has been unemployed ever since. He earned a degree in a competitive field but has not had any luck landing a job in his chosen profession. While we understand that finding the right opportunity can take time, we are growing increasingly concerned.

He refuses to consider any kind of job outside of his intended career path, insisting that if he takes something “beneath him,” he will get stuck and never leave. We have tried reasoning with him, encouraging him to gain experience, even if it is unrelated, to avoid having a completely blank resume. We have offered suggestions, networking opportunities and moral support, but he will not budge.

He still lives at home, which we do not mind, within reason, but the money he saved while working part time in college is running out fast. It is frustrating to watch him stagnate while the months go by. He says he is waiting for the “right fit,” but we worry he is letting pride or fear hold him back.

How do we help him see that some kind of work, any work, is better than no work at all? And how do we support him without enabling this pattern? I admire your insight and would truly appreciate any words of wisdom for both him and us. — Worried Parents in Limbo

Dear Worried: You are right to be concerned. A two-year gap on a resume, especially in those early post-grad years, can be hard to explain later. While it is admirable that your son wants to pursue work in his chosen field, his refusal to take any job in the meantime is shortsighted and, frankly, self-sabotaging.

Work is more than a title. It teaches discipline, builds character and often leads to unexpected opportunities. No one’s first job out of college defines their entire future. What does shape the future is sitting at home waiting for perfection. That is not strategy; it is fear wearing a mask of pride.

Let your son know that while you love him, the time for passivity has passed. He needs to contribute, either by working, volunteering, interning or even pursuing additional training. And if his savings are dwindling, it may be time to start charging rent — not as punishment, but to nudge him toward reality.

Sometimes, the most loving thing a parent can do is stop cushioning the fall.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.