DEAR ABBY: I have been a minister for 40 years. Throughout most of these years, I have tried to be supportive to my sister. Her oldest child, “Nahla,” has been “difficult” since she was 15. My niece cuts herself, uses drugs and has been in prison and in rehab. I have listened patiently as my sister wept, discussed her fears and anger, prayed for her and sent cards to her and her daughter. When Nahla was incarcerated for 16 months, I wrote to her every other week and touched base with my sister almost daily.

Recently, my sister called me and told me she was livid at me. She said in all these years, I had given her daughter hope, but never her. I was astounded and deeply hurt. She also said she has been pulling away from me since last year for that reason.

Abby, I thought the whole time I WAS giving her hope. How do I go forward in a relationship with my sister? I forgive her. I have asked her for forgiveness. Even though I have reached out, I no longer hear from her. Should I simply let go? I don’t know how to do more than I already have. — GRIEF-STRICKEN IN GEORGIA

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: Your sister is misdirecting the anger, fear and disappointment she should be aiming elsewhere onto you. You have done everything you can for her and for Nahla. You say you asked for forgiveness (although, from where I sit, I don’t think you have slighted her in any way) and have forgiven her. She’s attempting to punish you by giving you the silent treatment. Please don’t blame yourself for it. Enjoy the distance she has created because if there are more problems with Nahla, I have a hunch your sister will be back, baggage intact.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how I can get over the fact that my husband cheated on me. How do I stop feeling hurt and betrayed, and how do I stop feeling that somehow it was my fault?

We went to counseling together, and it has helped. I was able to forgive him, and we are still together. But it hasn’t done away with the emotions that come flooding back when I see something on the subject on TV or in a book.

I try not to hold it over his head, but the feelings just don’t go away. Should I try to talk to him about how I feel or just try to forget? — REALLY HURTING IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR REALLY HURTING: You are entitled to your feelings, and you have a right to discuss them with your husband. You didn’t mention how long ago his infidelity occurred, but it takes time to rebuild trust. You may need to continue the counseling to work through your emotions, particularly the feeling that you were to blame for what happened.

In the meantime, because programs you’re seeing on television bring back your feelings of pain and disappointment, rather than torture yourself, change the channel. The same goes for those books.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband lost his job. He had worked there since we were married 10 years ago, and earned top wages because he had been with them for so long. Two years into our marriage, when we found out we were expecting our first child, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom. My husband has taken care of us financially ever since. I loved that I was able to rely on my husband for financial security.

Since he lost his job, I am angry, frustrated and hurt. His own actions caused his dismissal. I have told him how I feel, but he just yells at me. I feel he should at least listen to how I am feeling.

I’m scared for our future. We have two children under the age of 7, and we are paying child support for his oldest child, who lives with his ex. I want to support my husband, but I feel pushed away and disregarded. How can I show support when I am so scared and frustrated and blame him? — ON SHAKY GROUND IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ON SHAKY GROUND: I understand your feelings, but have you considered what turmoil your husband is feeling? Having been the breadwinner for so long, he is suddenly unable to provide for the woman and children he loves.

If you want to be supportive, stop demonstrating your anger, fear and frustration for a while. If you do, it may help him regain his balance sooner. And while you are at it, be prepared to make financial adjustments until he finds another job (including seeking a job for yourself). I’m not saying it will be easy, but please give it a try. He already knows he has disappointed you. Please don’t make it harder for him than it already is.

DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you can give me guidance on how my wife and I can deal with my in-laws and the fact that they are sometimes socially obtuse. They are nice people, but sometimes they have no concept of appropriate behavior.

The latest was when we had a small party for my wife’s birthday. They arrived and then asked to show home movies from when she was a kid. They proceeded to show more than an hour of video in which my wife was on screen for 15 seconds and knew the other people in the movie for only the first two minutes.

My in-laws do things like this regularly, and I want a nice way to say “stop.” My wife agrees with me but doesn’t know how to deal with this either. — UNCOMFORTABLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Encourage your wife to speak up for herself. Rather than allow her parents to take over and diminish the occasion, the next time they suggest something you and your wife are not on board with, she should “suggest” that it happen another time. And in the case of the home movie, she should have said, “Enough, already!”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.