Torn between marriage vows and well being
Dear Annie: I have a problem I’ve been struggling with for quite some time. I am in my late 40s and have been married for over half my life. For the past five years or so, I have been dealing with the idea that I may be gay. I have always kind of felt that I could be, but I went the traditional route and married a man.
Thinking back to my younger days, I was never interested much in the boys or men around me. I dated many, but I never felt anything for them. My husband was different; I actually did have feelings for him, and I still love him very much. I have told him that I have these other feelings and can’t help but fear I may have missed out on something more. He’s heard me out but hasn’t had much to say about it. Instead, he’s pretty much just ignored it, probably hoping it would go away.
My husband and I have not been very close for quite a while, so I can’t help thinking I could be experiencing a life more in line with my true self. I don’t want to have any regrets when I get older, but I did make a commitment when I married. I am so torn. I have been seeing a therapist, but we never seem to talk much about this issue. She plays it off, almost the same as my husband. Am I making too much of this? Should I give up thinking about it? Do you have any suggestions as to how I could deal with this? — Married, But Maybe the Grass Is Greener on the Other Side
Dear Married, But: It sounds like you are not so much thinking about these things but rather feeling feelings, and no one is listening to you. If your husband and therapist are both sweeping your feelings under the rug, it’s time to find a new therapist. Seek the help of a real professional and go to marriage counseling with your husband. Whether this is a midlife crisis or your real feelings, you deserve to be happy.
Dear Annie: I read your column every day, and though sometimes I do not agree with your advice, I take it with the grain of salt that I should. However, we are on the same page when it comes to the terrible practice of smashing wedding cake in people’s faces. “Playful” is absolutely wrong in defending this practice.
I attended a beautiful wedding recently. It was quite lavish and tasteful — until the cake cutting took place. The bride and groom smacked each other in the face with cake. They then proceeded to grab handfuls of the icing-loaded cake and throw it at each other, much to the disapproval of guests close by. The attendants then got into the melee and also started to toss cake and icing. Before long, the room was smeared with icing and cake, and some guests were so disgusted that they got up and left.
After the cake was destroyed and the wild tossing was over, the bride, groom and attendants were covered with the mess, as was the whole room, and they all were exhausted.
The beautiful expensive gowns of the bride and bridesmaids and the expensive rented tux of the groomsmen were all covered in cake crumbs and gooey icing. I can’t describe how I felt after that display of utter waste and foolishness.
At another recent wedding, I remarked that if people were going to smear each other with cake, I might just leave. This is a total abandonment of common sense. — Disgusted by Cake Smashing
Dear Disgusted: Well put.
Editor’s note: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to firstname.lastname@example.org.