Annie Lane, syndicated columnist

Dear Annie: I come from a long history of family dysfunction. Child abuse, toxicity and abandonment are all I ever knew growing up. I developed severe complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder coming into my preteen years. I remember the blame was solely on me for my severe depression, suicide attempts and deep-seated suffering from my adoptive parents.

I moved out at age 17. The abuse continued despite my removal from their household, well into my late 20s. At that time, I cut off all contact with my abusers. I removed myself entirely from the family dynamic. (I have been in intensive therapy and medicated for years.)

My question is: How do I forgive my adoptive parents for manipulating me to place my infant fraternal twins with them when I was only 19 years old? Once they had my babies, they excluded me from the family and forced my hand into placing my children up for adoption with them.

How do I forgive them for the horrific abuse I sustained as a child in their home? How do I process the grief, which grips my heart and soul, I have for losing the opportunity to raise my son and daughter? They are 16 years young, and I do not even know them. Lastly, how do I ever forgive or come to terms with the fact that the people who were supposed to be my protectors, who were supposed to love me unconditionally, who chose to adopt me, failed me more than my biological parents ever could have? Do I have any rights as an adopted child? I’m forever tormented by my nightmare childhood, but even more so, I relive my grief daily as a mother who lost her children to her abusers. — One Sad Little Girl Who Is Middle-Aged

Dear Sad Little Girl Who Is Middle-Aged: Yes, you do have rights as an adult to sue your parents for abuse, but even if you win, you are not likely to get what you want. I doubt if they have a lot of money, and you would wind up being intertwined in their lives in ways that would do the opposite of helping you with the healing process.

My advice is to continue working with your therapist to process ways to cope with your abusive childhood, and focus on trying to establish a relationship with your twin children. They are becoming old enough for you to reach out to them directly.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.