ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I’ve been with my girlfriend for seven years and lived with her for four. She wants to get married and have kids. For the past three years, I’ve promised to propose every six months, but when the time comes, I back out. I even went ring shopping but couldn’t pull the trigger.

Although I want to get married and have kids one day, just the discussions of such a commitment give me serious anxiety to the point where I cannot breathe. I want us to travel the world before tying the knot, but she’s too attached to her job. My family says I am too young to get married at 27 and that if I need counseling now, before even proposing, things will only get worse when we have a mortgage and kids. My therapist says contemplating marriage should be exciting and happy, but all I feel is trapped. I love her, and living with her is fun, but marrying her feels like doom. She says I am stringing her along without a timeline as she is pushing 30, but I’m honest that I cannot guarantee if and when I’ll be ready. Do I propose with a five-year engagement? — To Wed or Not To Wed

Dear To Wed: If the idea alone of marrying this woman is leaving you short of breath and like you’re approaching “doom,” absolutely do not propose or continue promising her any kind of timeline you have no intention of keeping. It’s clear you two are on completely different pages — in different books, even — and for either of you to change your mind just for the sake of the other would be unfair and likely disastrous.

Your relationship has reached an impasse. I’d recommend couples therapy, in addition to continuing your individual counseling, to confront your commitment issues and see if there’s hope for building a future you’re both excited about. What you have to sort out is how much of this is your overall fear of commitment versus your feelings for your girlfriend. Do you think of all marriages as traps? Or is it just marriage to this woman that would leave you feeling trapped? With good therapy, you can sort this out.

Dear Annie: I’m a 36-year-old male. I moved away from home a year ago to be with my now ex-girlfriend. Things didn’t work out in the relationship, but I have a home here and love this small town. I took a job and work 76-plus hours weekly.

Now I have an opportunity to take a break and get away, so I decided to see my family back home.

But my father created a mess. He has a bunch of plans, as in driving a long way and only staying one night. I put a stop to that, explaining that I won’t have a ton of time on this trip. When I said that, he got mad and hung up on me. Now he is mad and telling my brother that I don’t have time for him, so he is done.

I’m thinking about canceling my trip altogether because this was a chance to get away from stress, but instead, it is adding more. — Lone Wolf

Dear Lone Wolf: Your dad no doubt has the best of intentions, but he is clueless about how you want to relax with family after working your tail off for the past year. From his perspective, he is so excited to see you that he wanted to plan a visit that’s jampacked with fun activities and excursions for you to enjoy together as father and son.

The key to less stress here is communication and managing expectations. Your time at home is finite, and there are certainly better ways to spend it than driving all over the place for just one activity or outing. Call your dad and plan out the timeline for your visit. Allow him to keep one or two of his bigger plans on the agenda and suggest spending the rest of the time closer to home. What matters most is getting to reconnect and be with one another, wherever that may be.

Dear Annie: My best friend and I have been close for over 20 years. We’ve seen each other through marriages, divorces, parenting challenges, health scares — you name it. She is the person I call when I’m heartbroken, when I’m celebrating or when I just need someone to remind me who I am.

Lately, though, she has been going through a rough time financially. She recently lost her job, and even though she is doing everything she can to get back on her feet, I know she is struggling. She is behind on bills and has stopped going out with friends, and I suspect she is skipping meals just to make ends meet. It breaks my heart to see her this way.

I want to help her. Not just emotionally, but practically. I am fortunate to be in a stable financial place right now, and I would love to offer some kind of support. But I do not want to embarrass her or make her feel like a charity case. She is proud and independent, and I respect that.

Do you have any advice on how I can help her without damaging our friendship or her dignity? I am open to anything, whether it is direct financial support or more creative ways of being there for her. — Worried and Wanting to Help

Dear Worried: You have a kind heart, and your friend is lucky to have you. The best way to help is with sensitivity and respect. Instead of offering cash outright, consider covering a specific bill, giving a gift card for groceries, or inviting her to dinner and sending her home with leftovers. You might also help her job hunt or connect her with resources.

Let her know you’re offering support because you care, not because you pity her. Pride and friendship can coexist when love leads the way.

Dear Annie: I’m a 48-year-old man, married for 21 years to my beautiful wife. We live in Canada and have shared many good years together, but things began to unravel last year when we started facing serious financial stress. Since then, the arguments have become more frequent, and so has her withdrawal — emotionally and physically.

She began withholding intimacy for a month at a time, then two. On Valentine’s Day, after a particularly heated fight, she said she wanted to teach me a lesson. Since then, it has been over six months with no physical intimacy at all. She refuses to be touched, and every attempt I’ve made to reconnect has been met with coldness. What hurts more is that she seems comfortable being physically affectionate with her sister’s husband — something I’ve voiced strong concerns about. When I brought it up, she dismissed my feelings entirely.

She has refused counseling, won’t speak to mutual friends who offered to help mediate, and shows no signs of sadness or distress over the state of our marriage. Meanwhile, I’m the one feeling anxious and depressed from the emotional and physical distance.

At this point, I’m wondering — should I hand her divorce papers? It feels like she has already checked out of the relationship. Her happiness without me feels like a betrayal. Am I wrong to see this as emotional abandonment? — Feeling Shut Out in Canada

Dear Shut Out in Canada: What you are experiencing is absolutely emotional abandonment. Withholding intimacy for months at a time, especially as punishment, is not healthy. You have tried to talk, suggested counseling and even asked for help from others. She has refused all efforts.

You cannot fix a marriage alone. Her comfort with physical affection toward others while rejecting you is hurtful, and you are right to feel confused and shut out.

Before filing for divorce, ask yourself this: If nothing changes, can you live like this? If the answer is no, and she still refuses to engage, it may be time to move on. A marriage without connection is not a marriage at all.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.