It’s a wonderful day for pie
At some point Thursday, most of us probably had some flavor of pie to eat. Whether it was the traditional pumpkin, the perfect for the season apple, or the greatest pie ever, pecan, chances are you were satisfied by the time you were finished.
Now, it’s that time of year where I get to do something almost as satisfying and that’s putting some whipped cream on pies and throwing them in the eyes at some of the people that deserve it. Of course, not everyone who deserves a pie shoved in their face this year will get one as I only have five to go around. So here’s the list of those who won’t get a full pie, but maybe a glop of whipped cream flung at them.
Dishonorable mention: Detroit Red Wings head coach Jeff Blashill, whose team, as I’m writing this, has the worst record in the NHL and is almost painful to watch; Brad Marchand, the annoying Boston Bruins forward who gets under the skin of players and fans alike, but screwed up in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals by signaling for a line change with less than 15 seconds left in the first period. As he skated to the bench, he watched two St. Louis players race by him. The Blues scored seconds later and later that night, won the Stanley Cup; the Detroit Tigers, who had the second worst season in franchise history and basically were the laughingstock of Major League Baseball; and finally the people at Peloton, whose relentless and creepy advertisements make me and others think that some sort of exercise cult is trying to recruit us.
Seriously, watch the two most recent commercials. One lady becomes so obsessed with it that she uses it daily, makes videos of herself using it, ignores her kid, and admits in a Christmas video to her husband that Peloton has “changed” her. Yeah, and not for the better either.
Then there’s the ad where everyone within a three-block radius is using a Peloton on what appears to be Christmas Eve. Some poor kid comes downstairs thinking Santa came to visit, but gets disappointed when it turns out to be just his exercise-focused dad, who can’t go one night without hopping on his bike. I’m not sure if everyone who uses these machines is like that, but if you are, snap out of it before it’s too late.
One guy who it might be too late for is Sean McVay. No, he’s not in the Peloton commercials, but the Los Angeles Rams head coach has fallen off of the tower of praise he received from last season and he’s number five on my list.
Remember when he made people gasp at his ability to recall plays from years ago and exact details from those games and how his innovative talents helped get the Rams back to the Super Bowl? Well L.A. lost to New England in the most boring Super Bowl ever where the Rams looked so inept offensively that it brought back memories of when the Broncos got throttled by Seattle in the Super Bowl a few years back.
Now, people have kind of forgotten about McVay and the Rams appear as if they’ll miss the playoffs one year after winning the NFC. That’s a pie for you Sean.
Mark Dantonio is number four and the Michigan State head football coach probably should’ve gotten a spot last year too, but I cut him a break thinking last season’s 7-6 record was just a bad year.
Well, this year he earned a spot thanks to a season where the Spartans might actually miss a bowl game if they don’t beat Maryland day.
Now, MSU wasn’t expected to win the Big Ten this year, but it was at least expected to have a solid season. A loss to the Terrapins places the Spartans at 5-7 and a win probably sends them to Detroit for the holidays and the Quick Lane Bowl. Hey, the Wings and Lions are terrible, MSU may has well join in the fun in the Motor City. Anyway, enjoy your pie Mark.
Speaking of the Lions, number three is head coach Matt Patricia. He was seen as a defensive guru, the guy who’d not only get the long-struggling Lions to the playoffs, but even past the first round.
So far, Patricia has led them to a last-place finish in 2018 and what looks to be another cellar-dwelling season this year. What’s his legacy so far? Lecturing a reporter about proper posture in a press conference and making his team practice in the snow when it was going to play in climate-controlled environments for the next four weeks. This guy has clearly shown he’s just a clown with a headset on, and not a funny one either. Since clowns love pies, I hope you like this one Matt.
The team at the number two spot on my list has had pie in its eyes for weeks now, so I may as well give another one to the Houston Astros. I’ve talked about the Astros quite a few times since the MLB Playoffs ended and with good reason.
They’ve treated a female reporter terribly, made domestic abuse seem like an unimportant problem, and now they’ve been credibly accused of cheating during games.
The Astros are rapidly becoming the New England Patriots of baseball, but they’ve only got one World Series title to brag about. Up until recently, Houston was a shoo-in for the top spot as it’d be hard to find a group of people so stupid or corrupt, but these next three guys managed to do it and win the title.
Those three are all famous hockey guys, Don Cherry, Mike Babcock and Bill Peters. Three guys who reached the peak of coaching, the NHL, and will be remembered now for being, well, terrible people.
I’ve written about Cherry and his constant numbskullery before, a man who dresses like a clown with his flamboyant suits and acts like one with his statements. A man who was fired from his prestigious job as an “analyst” for Hockey Night in Canada for making a perceived anti-immigration statement.
Then there’s Babcock, who built himself into a coaching legend here in Michigan earning the most wins in Wings history and a Stanley Cup in 2008.
However, he underachieved in Toronto and now that he’s been fired, stories have come out where it appears, he was hated by the Leafs players with an incident involving current star Mitch Marner standing out.
Marner was told by Babcock to rank his teammates by work ethic and then Babcock revealed Marner’s rankings with the players. What kind of coach does that, especially to a then-rookie? A jerk.
Finally, there’s Peters, the now-former coach of the Calgary Flames. After the Babcock story came out, former NHLer Akim Aliu accused Peters on Twitter dropping the “N word” on him when he was playing for Peters in the minors in Rockford, Illinois.
He also repeated the story in an interview with TSN and two of Aliu’s former teammates in Rockford confirmed the incident. Peters has also been accused of kicking a former player, Michal Jordan, and punching another when he was Carolina’s head coach and that was confirmed by current head coach Rod Brind’Amour, who was Peters’ assistant at the time.
Cherry, Babcock and Peters all make the Astros look innocent and all three of them deserve a hot pie to the eye and a pink slip to go with it.
On that note, until next year, the bakery is closed.
Ryan Stieg can be reached at 906-228-2500, ext. 252. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.