To the Journal editor:

She’s 5-plus years old, and still a virgin! Five “dog years” (they say), are equivalent to 35 human years, so technically: She’s an old maid!

Don’t show her this! If she knew I was talking about her this way, well: we have lots of rug areas in the house!

We got her via a peculiar situation which I won’t divulge! She doesn’t have AKC papers, so that ends that. We don’t care! To us, she’s a thoroughbred! She has displayed all the evidence of possessing the unique qualities of beagle hounds bred for hunting wild critters (relax, you wild oat spreaders, she excludes humans).

She’s only been off the leash outside once! No, she wasn’t that way! Besides, she’s a lady — very discrete! We don’t think we could handle six puppies, even if they were papers-able! Hm-m-m! At $350 apiece, (we’d probably keep one — a male), that’s $1,750! Hm-m-m!

In the home, she rules the roost! I swear, she can understand human body language better than most humans can! As a mostly housebound hound rounder (Sorry, couldn’t help it), I am the company she keeps and keeps, and keeps!

Just last night, rather — early morning, when one of the others of us here left for work, 4:30 a.m.-ish — she comes to my prison, the recliner which is my bed, my ‘chair at the table’ for the two meals per day (diabetic, you see), my crossword puzzle recroom, my den, nap-orium, church, lounge — muling for attention.

Or just lonesome. It is a long night for her. She climbs up onto my lap, rearranges my body to accommodate hers and sleeps for an hour, until her body heat (101-degrees Fahrenheit humans-98.6-degrees you know what: once is enough for that word!) make her uncomfortable and she leaves to lie on the cooler floor.

Not that cooler — the floor that is usually at a cooler temperature — heaving a sigh of resignation, as if being a dog is far superior to being one of those uprights. Why should someone so inept be in control of us

Well! You get the picture! I don’t mind! If she wasn’t here, I’d go stir-crazy, even at the age of “Yhteeksan kymmenta” (A course in Finnish will tell you what I just said!)

I wouldn’t take a million euros for her, mostly because she’s my daughter’s dog!