Dr. Shahar Madjar

A patient of mine, George, told me that he was starting to feel the 7-year itch. He wondered if he should start seeing other women besides his wife.

“I am just a urologist,” I told him, “not a priest, not a marriage counselor.” And then I added, as if to myself, “Once the ship has left the safe harbor of monogamy, and sailed into the vast ocean of non-monogamous relationships, it encounters stormy, turbulent waters.”

Later, at home, I searched the scientific literature for guidance.

I should, I told myself, start with definitions: while the pure monogamist has one life-long partner, and the serial-monogamist has one partner at a time, the non-monogamist indulges in two or more simultaneous relationships over a period of time.

To borrow from the gastronomy world, the non-monogamist might say: “It is true that my partner is a wonderful cook, but does that necessarily mean I should never try a different cook at another restaurant?”

I should then categorize non-monogamous relationships, and the best way to start, it seemed, was by asking the question: are you trying to keep the other relationship secret? If you keep your other relationship secret, if you hide its existence–you are a cheater.

And once the cheating is revealed, guilty carnal pleasures and shared whispered secrets typically turn into a painful, shameful drama. If you are a celebrity, the exposure might turn into a scandal. Your primary relationship may end and so might your relationship with your cheating partner.

Playing the numbers game: you may find yourself going, at a blink of an eye, from two or more relationships, to none.

Matters turn even more interesting if you and your partner agree to a non-monogamous relationship. Researchers, such as Dr. Terri D. Conley from the Department of Psychology at the University of Michigan, call these type of arrangements consensually non-monogamous relationships. Researchers estimate that 3.5-5 percent of individuals in a relationship are consensual non-monogamous. But is consensual non-monogamy satisfying? And is it of high quality, Conley asked? In a recent investigation, published in the journal Perspectives in Psychological Science, Conley tried to address these questions.

Conley further divided consensual non-monogamy into three distinct groups: the swingers, the polyamorous, and those who partake in an open relationship (to which my grandma would say: “so open minded that the brain is coming out”).

The swingers, according to Conley, engage in sexual relationships with partners other than their primary partner. They do so in parties and other social events arranged for that purpose. The relationships outside of their primary relationship are sexual and are not intended to be romantic, or long-term.

Polyamorous couples, on the other hand, follow ‘the-more-love-the-merrier’ philosophy–they agree to having close emotional, romantic and sexual relationships with partners outside of their primary relationships.

And last, couples who practice an open relationship allow each other to participate in sexual relationships outside of their own, as long as long-term romantic or emotional relationships are avoided. They engage in their other relationships separately and do not typically discuss the dates they had outside their relationships.

Conley recruited most of the participants to her study online–through websites devoted to non-monogamous relationships and through the volunteer section of craigslist.com. The minority of participants (12 percent) were psychology undergraduate students who received credit for their participation in the study. Altogether, Conley evaluated 1,507 individuals in monogamous relationships and 617 individuals in non-monogamous relationships. This sample was large enough to draw conclusions about the differences between monogamous and non monogamous relationships.

Conley asked the participants about their satisfaction with their relationships and about their trust in their partners. She also measured the participants’ sexual jealousy, passionate love and commitment. She did so using questionnaires that had been specifically designed and were found reliable for research purposes.

The results were quite astonishing. Prior studies showed that lay people believe that monogamous relationships are more trusting, committed, passionate and sexually satisfying. Monogamy, the lay people believed, is also less likely to involve jealousy. Dr. Conley’s study showed that the two groups–monogamous and non-monogamous–reported similar degree of satisfaction in their relationships, in their commitment to each other and in their levels of passionate love. Moreover, non-monogamous participants reported more trust and less jealousy involved in their relationships.

Should George, my seven-year itch patient turn non-monogamous? Shouldn’t we all? I shall return.

Editor’s note: Dr. Shahar Madjar is a urologist at Aspirus and the author of “Is Life Too Long? Essays about Life, Death and Other Trivial Matters.” Contact him at smadjar@yahoo.com.