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Dear Annie: Where do I begin?
My son and our family have put up with our daughter-in-law for 15 years. Although she appears charming to others, she is downright crude to me. I have ignored her rude remarks to me for years, letting time pass, but there is always another conflict. My son puts up with her outbursts of anger, but then she turns to me and unloads her frustration. I’ve told them both to get into counseling, but it always goes in one ear and out the other.
The holidays are coming up, and I’ve decided not to even bother with a family dinner if she’ll be there. I’m planning to tell my son why and hope for the best. What do you think? — Feeling Disappointed in New Jersey
Dear Feeling Disappointed: Fifteen years is a long time to bite your tongue. You’ve let a lot slide over the years, but everyone has a limit.
You’re not obligated to host a holiday dinner. Tell your son that you love him and want to spend time together, but the tension with his wife has become too much. Make it clear you’re not asking him to choose sides; you’re simply choosing not to host this year.
You can’t make them go to counseling, and you can’t change your daughter-in-law. But you can decide what you’re willing to put up with, especially in your own home. Being family doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be unkind.
Dear Annie: What do you do if, after several attempts to get your co-worker to stop spreading her germs, she won’t?
My colleagues and I have tried everything. I’ve personally given her cough drops, Kleenex and Chloraseptic throat spray, but she refuses to get her own. Others have even given her ginger, but she won’t take it.
At first, we thought it was a cultural thing. Then we thought she didn’t have the money to purchase these items herself. But now we think she either likes the attention or she’s just lazy.
I don’t know what else to do. We have sprayed down her area, and we have masks, wipes and even gloves for ourselves — all company policy — to no avail. Any advice? — Sick of Germs
Dear Sick of Germs: You’ve tried addressing this with your co-worker directly, and it hasn’t worked. It’s time to stop playing nurse and let someone else handle it.
Speak privately with your supervisor or HR team about your concerns. They can address the situation discreetly and make sure workplace health policies are being followed.
In the meantime, keep taking reasonable precautions to protect yourself and stay healthy. You’ve done your part. Now let the people in charge do theirs.
Dear Annie: My daughter is getting married soon, and what should be a joyous occasion has become a source of heartache.
Her father and I have been separated for three years. Although he has repeatedly said he would go to counseling to work on our marriage, he has never followed through.
I recently learned that his new girlfriend has been invited to the wedding reception, yet I have been told I cannot bring a date. I have asked my daughter several times to meet the man I’ve been seeing, but she insists she’s not ready. Why is it acceptable for her father to bring someone new but not me?
What hurts even more is that my daughter casually mentioned she has known this woman “from before.” Before what? Before our separation? I can’t help wondering how long this relationship has been going on and what my daughter might know.
The thought of watching my husband celebrate with another woman while I sit there alone is heartbreaking. I want to be happy for my daughter, but I’m afraid I’ll spend the evening feeling humiliated and hurt.
Am I being unreasonable to ask my daughter to uninvite her father’s girlfriend? Or should I simply swallow my feelings for the sake of her special day? — Mother of the Bride Feeling Left Behind
Dear Mother of the Bride: My heart goes out to you. Seeing your husband with another woman, especially when you’re attending alone, is bound to hurt. And I can understand why the double standard feels unfair.
But this is your daughter’s wedding, and asking her to uninvite her father’s girlfriend puts her in a difficult position. Tell her how you feel, but don’t ask her to choose sides.
As for what she meant by “from before,” try not to let your imagination fill in the blanks.
Go to the wedding, hold your head high, and celebrate your daughter. You can be hurting and still be gracious. Sometimes that’s the greatest gift we can give someone we love.
Dear Annie: I have a friend I’ve known for almost 30 years, and lately I’m beginning to wonder if our friendship has become a one-way street.
We’ve celebrated birthdays, raised our children together and supported each other through some very difficult times. But over the past few years, I’ve noticed that I’m always the one calling, making plans and checking in. When she needs something, I’m the first person she calls. When I need someone, she’s suddenly too busy.
Last month, I went through a particularly difficult family situation. She knew what was happening but never once called to see how I was doing. A week later, she called to complain about a disagreement she’d had with her daughter. I listened for nearly an hour, but she never asked how I was.
I don’t want to throw away 30 years of friendship, but I’m tired of feeling like an afterthought. My husband says I should stop calling and see what happens. Part of me thinks he’s right, but another part worries that if I do, I’ll lose her entirely.
At what point do you stop putting effort into a friendship that no longer feels mutual? — Tired of Being the One Trying
Dear Tired: Thirty years of friendship is a long time to be friends. Before you give up, tell your friend how you feel. She may be so accustomed to you being the strong, dependable one that she hasn’t noticed how little she’s giving in return.
Your husband has a point, too. Stop doing all the reaching out and give her a chance to meet you halfway. Friendship, like any relationship, takes two people willing to make an effort.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.