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Dear Annie: I walked away from a 50-plus-year friendship. I’ve known “Ralph,” his wife and his kids since the late-1970s. We both worked construction. We never had a deep friendship; most men from the boomer generation don’t. Ralph has a sense of humor that others would say is off-putting, including uncomfortable joking, but we went through similar circumstances at different times.
A group of three to five of us construction guys used to meet for lunch on Saturdays. One Saturday, during the usual discussions of yesteryear, I finished sharing my thoughts and looked over to Ralph, who said directly to me, “That’s because you’re a useless loser.”
I couldn’t believe he’d said it. I waited for the typical boomer gen’s half-cracked smile signifying he was just kidding, but it never came. One guy at lunch said he didn’t hear it; the other looked at me with the same disbelief. Ralph just stared back deadpan.
I got up to go to the men’s room, looked in the mirror, then walked back to the table and tossed down some money to cover lunch. Ralph made another flippant comment: “Oh, you’re buying lunch.” I thought, “What the heck?” Ralph never lets anyone buy lunch. We all offer, and his reply is to toss out a $100 bill and tell us to get the tip. I said I had to go and left.
That was two years ago. I never went back and cut off all contact. A few weeks after the incident, Ralph’s wife texted to see if all was OK. I replied, “All good.”
For the past 15 years, I’ve been a home health caregiver to my mother. The past two years were rough, and she passed away in March. I’ve yet to receive a call from anyone in that group. Imagine that — 50-plus years as friends and all he had to say to me was that I’m a “useless loser.” — Good Riddance in California
Dear Good Riddance: “Off-putting” is right. Even if this kind of comment isn’t unusual for Ralph, being called a “useless loser” by a friend still stings. And two years without a word from him since is pretty telling.
You could’ve been honest when his wife reached out instead of saying everything was “all good.” But Ralph could’ve picked up the phone at any point, too. He hasn’t.
If you want an explanation, call and ask him what that day was about. If not, don’t. You don’t owe a 50-year friendship another 50 years simply because of its history.
And I’m sorry about your mother. You deserved to have friends around when you needed them most. You sound like a thoughtful and gracious man — certainly not a “useless loser.” You said it best: good riddance.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 18 years, and I love him dearly. But lately, there are nights when I fantasize less about romance and more about having my own quiet bedroom.
My husband snores so loudly that I can hear him from the hallway with the bedroom door closed. It starts almost the minute his head hits the pillow. I have tried nudging him, rolling him onto his side, buying special pillows, using earplugs and even playing white noise. Nothing works for long.
A few weeks ago, I had an important presentation at work the next morning and desperately needed a good night’s sleep. Around 2 a.m., after waking him for what felt like the 10th time, he got annoyed and told me, “I’m asleep. What do you want me to do about it?” I grabbed my pillow and went to the couch. The next morning, I was exhausted, cranky and still had a stiff neck from sleeping badly.
Now I find myself dreading bedtime. Some nights I sleep in the guest room before he even starts snoring, which makes me sad because bedtime used to be when we talked, laughed and felt closest.
He thinks I am making too big a deal out of something he cannot control. I think months of broken sleep are turning me into someone I don’t recognize.
How do I convince the man I love that this isn’t about being annoyed by a little noise — it’s about saving my sleep and maybe our marriage? — Sleepless Beside My Snorer
Dear Sleepless: Your husband may be asleep through the problem, but you certainly aren’t. Snoring this severe is worth discussing with a doctor, especially since it can sometimes be a sign of sleep apnea.
There is no need to feel guilty for sleeping in the other room. A good marriage does not require two exhausted people sharing the same mattress every night. You have to protect your own health if you are going to be able to help him at all. Sleep is a pillar of health.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have a small but surprisingly persistent disagreement about flowers. I love fresh flowers in the house. They make me happy, and I enjoy picking out a bouquet for the kitchen or dining room.
My husband thinks they’re a waste of money because they die so quickly. He prefers artificial flowers and keeps telling me they look just as good. To me, they don’t. Every time he brings home another fake arrangement, I cringe a little.
I know this isn’t exactly a marriage-ending problem, but it has become one of those silly things we keep arguing about. He thinks I’m wasteful, and I think he’s turning our home into a furniture showroom.
Is there a compromise that might keep us both happy? — Flower Lover
Dear Flower Lover: This is exactly the kind of small disagreement that doesn’t need a winner.
Set a reasonable budget for fresh flowers and let your husband enjoy a few artificial arrangements of his own. Marriage requires compromise — but thankfully, it doesn’t require pretending plastic tulips smell good.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.