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Dear Annie: My girlfriend, “Lucy,” and I started dating three years ago, during our senior year of college. After graduating, we both got jobs in the same city where we had gone to school, and we ended up moving in together to save money. Living together was surprisingly easy, as we’re both pretty low-maintenance people. Anyway, Lucy is a good partner. She’s always encouraged me to push myself to pursue my passions. She’s the reason I ended up applying to a dream job even though it was across the country. I never thought I’d actually end up landing it. But I did.
I moved out here last month. The plan was for me to come out first and get settled in my job; then Lucy would follow a few months later. Things are going really well. The company I’m working for is a perfect fit; there’s so much to see and do in the city, and I’ve already made some friends. The problem is I’m having second thoughts about Lucy.
She’s a great person, and I wouldn’t even be out here if it weren’t for her encouragement. But I just don’t find myself feeling the same sparks. I feel terrible writing these words, but I don’t really miss her. When I see her name lighting up my phone, I have to force myself to answer it.
She’s flying out for a visit soon to see my new place and apply to some restaurant jobs before making the move. I don’t know what to do. Should I just wait for her to move out here and see how things go? Or do I need to break it off before then? — Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty: If you’re feeling guilty now, imagine how you’ll feel if she moves there. It’s time to end things. Keep it short and sweet. Thank her for the years you’ve shared, and then tell her you want to break up. Have this talk sooner rather than later. You’re not doing her any favors by dating her out of a sense of obligation. She deserves someone whose face lights up when her name lights up his phone. Let her go find him.
Dear Annie: I’m a prostate cancer survivor. I notice lots of pink in October for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but I haven’t noticed as much light blue in September for National Prostate Health Month. The last time I checked, the number of men affected by prostate cancer is similar to the number of women affected by breast cancer, but it does not seem to get as much attention. Although there is not much of September left at the time I’m writing this, I’m still hoping to get some of these facts out.
Prostate cancer is the most common cancer among men. About 1 in 7 men will develop prostate cancer in their lifetimes, and about 1 in 39 men will die from the disease. Risk factors include age, family history and race. African-American men are likelier to develop this form of cancer.
Know your risk. Talk to your doctor to see whether you should be screened for prostate cancer. — Survivor in Blue
Dear Survivor in Blue: Though it’s no longer September, your message is as important as ever. For more information, visit the Prostate Cancer Foundation’s website, at www.pcf.org.
Dear Annie: I’m hoping you might have some advice for me about how to meet people and make new friends as an adult. I’m 40, and I’ve been depressed for about a year. I was seeing a therapist for almost a year, but have recently given up on him. We tried different things, but I still feel pretty stuck and alone. I’ve tried going out by myself, but people generally don’t talk to me when I do, and I get incredibly nervous and anxious — sometimes it feels like my body is going to explode. It’s much easier when I have someone I know with me, but most of my friends are work friends who I rarely see anymore since COVID.
I have two or three friends I rely on a lot, but I’m almost always the one who initiates everything. I worry that I’m becoming a burden to them. When I’m by myself, I’m also really disinterested and unmotivated to do things that I would normally enjoy doing with friends. I’ve tried online dating too, but that hasn’t really gone anywhere. So I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle where I’m depressed and alone, but I don’t know how to meet people or build a social life.
I wanted to ask you what you think I should actually do to meet new people. How do you make connections when you don’t already have a group of friends to introduce you to people? I feel like I’ve tried going out, but I’m not sure I’m doing it in a way that gives me a real chance to connect with anyone. If you have any advice or ideas, I’d really appreciate it. — Hopeless and Stuck
Dear Hopeless and Stuck: You do not need a whole new social life overnight. You need one small opening.
Instead of simply “going out,” try going somewhere built around repeated contact. Sign up for a class, volunteer at your church, or join a walking or book club. Friendship usually grows from seeing the same people again and again, not from hoping a stranger starts a conversation.
And please don’t give up on getting help just because one therapist wasn’t the right fit. The depression and anxiety you describe are making an already difficult task much harder. Finding someone new to talk to could help you get your footing again.
As for your friends, initiating doesn’t automatically make you a burden. Sometimes one person is simply the planner.
Start small. One class. One invitation. One conversation. A full life is rarely rebuilt all at once.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.