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Dear Annie: My husband has recently become obsessed with Twitter. He spends hours a day on his computer away from his family. I’ve supported this unusual hobby until recently.
I noticed he and another female Tweeter calling each other “besties,” and they have cute nicknames for each other. I confronted my husband about it, and he told me that it was just for the “audience” and that I’m being jealous.
After more digging, I found some personal messages between them where he tells her how amazing she is and how he can’t wait to grow with her. Not only that, but he also said some very negative and inappropriate things about me — his wife — to this random woman.
I’m devastated and humiliated. What should I do?! — Naive Wife?
Dear Naive Wife: Having an online outlet to explore interests and make friends is one thing; crossing boundaries and disrespecting your partner is another. Even if your husband were a major social media influencer, it wouldn’t excuse putting down his wife or fostering this kind of relationship with another woman for an “audience.”
Don’t let him dismiss your feelings as jealousy. Tell him plainly that his relationship with this woman — and especially the way he’s spoken about you to her — has damaged your trust and humiliated you. Then ask what he’s willing to do to repair that damage. A couple’s counselor can help you both address what’s happened and begin rebuilding what’s been broken.
Dear Annie: My daughter, now a married adult with a son, and I have always had a good relationship. I’ve helped her in all the important moments of her life, including her studies, which I financed, her wedding and the birth of her son. Today she is in a good financial position, and she and her husband live comfortably.
The one rough spot in our relationship is politics. During the last election, she tried to convince me to vote for her party. She is a Democrat. I didn’t vote this way as I am a Republican, and I have different opinions. I know she has friends who feed her political beliefs, and now she thinks my family and I are her enemies because we don’t believe the same things she does. Because of this, she has cut ties with me and doesn’t allow me to have a relationship with my grandson.
What do you think about this situation? — Politically Estranged
Dear Politically Estranged: Yours is a sad situation and an increasingly common one. I’ve received letters from readers on both sides of the political aisle who feel the same heartache you do. You have beliefs you’re not willing to walk away from, and the same is true of your daughter.
Instead of focusing on the political divide between you, focus on the relationship you hope to rebuild. Send her a short letter telling her you love and miss her and your grandson, and that you’re always there if she ever wants to talk. Don’t debate, defend or try to change her mind.
Give her some space and time, but keep the door open. Hopefully, one day, she’ll walk back through it.
Dear Annie: I have a best friend whom I love dearly, and we have been close for years. She is funny, generous and has been there for me during some difficult times. But lately I have noticed a pattern that is starting to wear on me.
Whenever I try to tell her something about my life, she interrupts before I can finish and somehow turns the conversation back to herself. If I mention a stressful situation at work, she immediately tells me about something worse that happened to her. If I share good news about one of my children, she jumps in with a story about her own family. Even when I am upset and really need someone to listen, I rarely get more than a few sentences out before the conversation becomes about her.
Recently, I was trying to tell her about something that had really hurt my feelings. Before I could even explain what happened, she interrupted and spent the next 20 minutes talking about a similar experience she had years ago. I went home realizing she never even asked how my situation turned out.
I don’t think she is deliberately being selfish, and I would hate to damage a friendship that means so much to me. But I’m beginning to feel invisible.
Is there a kind way to tell her that friendship needs to be a two-way conversation without making her defensive? — Looking for a Listening Ear
Dear Looking: Good friendships need room for both people to be heard. Your friend probably doesn’t even realize she is doing this, so when you bring it up, do it with plenty of kindness and without accusing her. You might simply say, “Sometimes I really need you to just listen before we move on to something else.”
A true friend should care enough to hear you out and make an effort.
Dear Annie: My adult son is in his 30s and works as a teacher in New York City. He is hardworking and responsible, but his salary is modest, and living in the city is expensive.
From time to time, he asks me for financial help. Most recently, he wanted money to help pay for an expensive weekend getaway with his girlfriend. I love my son and enjoy being able to help him when he truly needs it, but I am starting to wonder whether I am making it too easy for him to spend beyond his means.
I also worry that he feels pressure to keep up with his girlfriend’s expectations. There always seems to be another nice dinner, gift, trip or special experience he wants to provide for her. She seems lovely, and I do not want to blame her, but I sometimes wonder whether he is stretching himself financially to make her happy.
I want to support my son without interfering in his relationship or making him feel judged. At the same time, I think he needs to learn to live within his salary.
Would it be wrong for me to tell him that I am happy to help in a true emergency, but I am no longer comfortable paying for vacations, gifts or other luxuries? — Trying to Help, Not Enable
Dear Trying: Loving your son does not require financing a lifestyle he cannot afford. It is perfectly reasonable to help with a true emergency and say no to vacations, gifts and other extras.
You can be kind and firm at the same time. His relationship and spending choices are his responsibility, and learning to live within his means may be one of the most helpful gifts you could give him.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.