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Dear Annie: I’m an 18-year-old woman who just started my freshman year of college out of state. Everything is going well, and I’m meeting new people with different perspectives.
One thing I’m experiencing is my “I don’t know” phase, which is new for me. Especially with relationships, I don’t know if I like certain boys because they’re convenient or if I really like them.
For context, there were two boys who lived on the same floor as me before I changed rooms because of roommate issues. They were attractive, and I thought I liked both of them, but I wonder if it was just out of convenience. I distanced myself after asking each of them to grab food. Both said yes, then stood me up. I waited almost 90 minutes and even texted them, with no response. Lesson learned. I WILL NEVER wait that long again for anyone.
A few weeks later, I started eyeing a sophomore in one of my classes. I think he’s cute, but then again, I DON’T KNOW! We’ve talked a couple of times, mostly about schoolwork.
Around that time, I had a dream that I had a boyfriend who posted me on social media and made me laugh, but I couldn’t make out his face. Later, I realized he reminded me of the guy from class. I even talked to the RAs in my dorm about him, and we stalked his Instagram page (jokingly!).
Lately, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. I finally asked if he wanted to hang out, and he agreed, but he was leaving campus for the weekend, so he said we’d have to figure out another time.
Afterward, I was so nervous! I really wanted to give him my number but didn’t get the chance. Talking to him felt different from the boys who stood me up, and I thought about him for the rest of the day.
I’ve never been in a relationship or even been kissed, so maybe all this uncertainty comes from lack of experience. I don’t want to like a boy just because he’s convenient because that feels wrong, and I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me.
Am I wrong for feeling this way, or is this normal? I think I’m starting to like him, but, yet again, I don’t know. Please help! — Uncertain Student
Dear Uncertain Student: The way you’re feeling is totally normal! You might not know what — or who — you like yet, and that’s OK. At 18, you’re not supposed to have all the answers, so take some pressure off yourself. College is as much about learning who you are as what you study.
Don’t worry so much about whether a crush starts out of “convenience.” Most relationships begin because two people happen to cross paths. What matters is what develops from there.
As for the boy in your class, grabbing coffee doesn’t have to mean anything more than that. Talk to him, spend some time together and see if you like the person in front of you, not the one who made you laugh in your dreams. You’ve already learned one lesson from the boys who stood you up, and there will be plenty more to come.
Everyone has been in your shoes at one time or another. You live, you learn, and little by little, “I don’t know” becomes “now I know.”
Dear Readers: Sunday is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. People are encouraged to forgive, reflect and start fresh. And while it is a Jewish holiday, its message is one that just about anyone can appreciate.
The idea is simple: Take a look at the year behind you and ask yourself a few questions. Was I kind enough? Did I make time for the people I love? Did I hold onto a grudge longer than I needed to? Did I say “I’m sorry” when I should have? Did I spend too much time worrying about things I could not control?
That last one may deserve its own holiday.
Rosh Hashanah gives us permission to stop, reflect and begin again. Jewish families traditionally hear the sounding of the shofar and eat apples dipped in honey to symbolize the hope for a sweet new year.
I love that tradition because it is both simple and optimistic. We cannot know what the coming year will bring, but we can decide how we want to meet it.
Maybe that means being a little more patient with your spouse. Maybe it means calling the friend you keep meaning to call. Maybe it means forgiving someone — not because what happened was OK but because carrying around anger is exhausting.
And sometimes the person we most need to forgive is ourselves.
Most of us are harder on ourselves than we would ever be on someone we love. We replay mistakes, second-guess decisions and wonder why we did not know then what we know now.
But that is the whole point of growing older and, hopefully, wiser. We learn.
A new beginning does not have to happen on Jan. 1. It can happen anytime we decide to do something differently.
We can listen more and interrupt less. We can put our phones away at dinner. We can say thank you more often. We can stop waiting for the “perfect time” to enjoy our lives.
Rosh Hashanah reminds us that life is precious, relationships matter, and none of us gets everything right.
So whether you are Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, spiritual, agnostic or simply someone trying to be a decent human being, perhaps there is something worth borrowing from this beautiful holiday.
Take a moment to appreciate what you have. Make peace where you can. Tell people you love them while they are here to hear it.
And if you happen to have an apple nearby, dip it in a little honey. We could all use a sweeter year.
And to everyone, may the year ahead bring more kindness, more laughter, more forgiveness and fewer reasons to lose sleep over things that probably will not matter a year from now.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.