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Dear Annie: I’ve never written an advice column before, but I honestly don’t know where else to turn.
My mother is elderly, physically frail and becoming increasingly confused. Earlier this year, she developed pneumonia and was so sick she could barely function. Her longtime boyfriend, who’d spent years neglecting, stealing from and verbally — and at times, physically — abusing her, refused to take her to the hospital. He even prevented EMTs from entering the house because he had drugs inside. I eventually got the police involved, and she was finally taken to the hospital.
After that, she ended the relationship, but another problem quickly became clear. She was no longer able to live independently. She can barely stand or walk because of a failed back surgery. We tried moving her in with my brother’s family while we figured out a long-term plan, but after she suffered another fall, it became obvious that it wasn’t safe. Her evaluation determined she needed skilled nursing care.
Now she’s in a care facility, and she hates being there. She’s become someone I barely recognize who lashes out at everyone who loves her. She said such hateful things to my brother’s family that they eventually had to step away for their own well-being.
Now her ex-boyfriend is back in her life. He takes her out for hours, then returns her to the nursing home in soiled clothing. We suspect he’s using her for money, but she insists he’s the only one who cares about her. Eventually, all of my siblings reached their breaking point. I was the last one still trying.
Then my sister shared a voicemail Mom had left her. The things she said about me and my siblings broke something inside me. She has accused me of kidnapping her, stealing from her, trying to have her killed and every other terrible thing you can imagine. I can no longer have a conversation with her without experiencing intense anxiety.
To make matters worse, my fiance died suddenly of a heart attack last month. When my mother learned he had died, her only response was, “One less queer in the family.” That was the moment I realized I had nothing left to give.
Today I only manage her financial affairs because someone has to, but emotionally, I’ve had to step away. Every interaction leaves me drained for days. My own health is beginning to suffer.
I know she’s elderly. I know she may not be entirely herself anymore. I know dementia and illness can change people. But where is the line between honoring a parent and protecting yourself? How do you stop feeling guilty for walking away from someone you love when staying is destroying your own health? Thank you for any perspective you can offer. — A Son Who Doesn’t Know Where Duty Ends
Dear Son: In one year, you’ve watched your mother lose her independence, your family crumble under the strain of caring for her and your fiance die suddenly. That’s more grief than anyone knows what to do with. Even if your mother’s confusion and accusations are the result of dementia or another illness, it doesn’t make the words hurt any less.
You’re already doing what your mother needs most by making sure she’s safe and her affairs are being managed. You don’t have to sacrifice your own physical and emotional health to prove your love. Sometimes the best thing to do is help how you can and accept that you can’t meet every need.
As for her ex-boyfriend, if you believe he’s exploiting or abusing her, share your concerns with the nursing home’s staff. They may be able to monitor the situation or limit his access if her safety is at risk.
Allow yourself to grieve both the fiance you lost and the mother you’ve lost in so many ways. It’s easy to lose sight of, but caring for someone shouldn’t come at the cost of losing yourself.
Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our early 60s, married for 40-plus years. We plan to retire and travel soon. But the past year or so he seemed to become obsessed with his smartphone, holding his phone all the time and guarding it. I asked him if he had a Facebook account and he said no. But when I entered his cell number in the Facebook login and a common password we use, it came up with “invalid password.” (It would have said “no account found” if he didn’t have one.)
I told him I wanted to talk and asked him to be honest if he had a Facebook account. He yelled no and ran out of the room. Then, while he was at the store one day, I opened our iPad to read the news and the screen had a notification of a message or call from a woman. Her name had pink heart emojis around it. I have no idea who she is, as we don’t have any friends or family with that name.
We’ve had a few counseling sessions in which I told him that I saw the notification from the woman. He insists he doesn’t know her. I told him I’d meet him halfway, but he needs to be truthful or we can’t get this resolved. He still won’t budge. The counselor doesn’t believe his story either and told him so. After three sessions, she said he’s definitely nervous and hiding something, but that if everything else in the marriage is OK, maybe I need to let it go.
I cannot let it go! He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but how can I believe him? I cannot get past this. I have lost so much sleep over this ordeal and am sad every day about this. What do you suggest? — Betrayed Wife
Dear Betrayed Wife: You were wise to listen to your intuition around a year ago when it spoke to you about your husband behaving differently. Now it might be hard to hear that little knowing voice within. Your (understandable) anxiety and distrust are drowning it out.
So, counterintuitive as it sounds, I think you’ll get a clearer perspective on your marriage if you take some time to focus on yourself. Go on vacation with friends or alone, just to get away for a few days. Keep a journal. Begin a meditation practice. Enroll in some fitness classes. Take up a new hobby. The goal is to hush that maddening din of frustration, anger and fear so that you might once again hear your intuition loud and clear. Then let it guide you.
Note that none of this is meant to take the place of marriage counseling. Your counselor also offers crucial perspective and guidance, and I encourage you to keep going.
Dear Annie: This is another suggestion for Enough Said, whose elderly relative carries on extended conversations. I’m also an introvert and not a fan of talking on the phone, but my mom is. As I do want to hear from my mom, I make sure I have something to do during the conversation, such as folding laundry or even coloring. Modern speakerphones are helpful with this solution. — Another Introvert
Dear Another Introvert: A great, practical tip. And while I know this isn’t the exact situation with you and your mom, for people who have social anxiety and dread phone calls in general, some light multitasking (e.g., doodling) during a call is a good way to relax.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.