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Dear Annie: Seven years ago, I retired and moved to a different state.
A friend of mine who lives in my old town has continuously used my new house like her personal hotel. She has family and friends in my area and will text, “Are you open to company?” when she wants to come visit. When she does, she only sleeps at my house while she does business or sees her other friends.
This last visit, she gave me a day and a half notice and then stayed for nine nights. She never says when she’s leaving, and I had to tell her on night nine that it was time for her to go. She seemed genuinely hurt by it, but she did leave the next day.
In the past, I’ve been very generous with this woman, even letting her stay at my house for six months a decade ago when she was having marital problems. On that occasion, I had to take care of my elderly mother for a few days at my house, and she just packed up and left without telling me.
I used to include her in my annual beach trips until two years ago, when her behavior got so bad that I vowed never to invite her again. Since then, we exchanged occasional texts and phone calls, until this last “hotel” experience.
We’re both senior citizens, and I’m a widow. We’ve both changed over the course of our friendship, and we have nothing in common. Conversations with her can be very unpleasant.
How do I end this hotel dynamic without being mean or ghosting her? I tend to stay clear of drama. I’ve written letters before when I’ve had issues with people, but no matter how nicely I try to explain things, I always get backlash. — Tired of Being a Best Western
Dear Best Western: You don’t need to end the friendship to close the hotel. The next time she asks if you’re “open to company,” simply tell her you’re no longer able to host overnight guests.
You don’t need to write a long letter explaining every grievance. The more reasons you give, the more there will be to argue about. She may be disappointed or even angry, but you’ve been more than generous with your home. You’re allowed to decide who’s welcome to stay in it.
If you’d still like to see her, offer to meet for coffee or lunch when she’s in town instead. And if you’ve truly outgrown the friendship, it’s OK to let it fade on its own.
Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to “Unable To Forgive,” the woman whose husband died at the hands of a texter on the road. She felt there was no justice, and I felt heartbroken for her and her daughter.
I see so many drivers on their phones and/or driving erratically without any thought for others. One outlet may be to channel her grief into making sure this doesn’t happen to other families, such as sharing her story with local news outlets, fighting to have laws changed so there’s mandatory jail time for drivers who commit these crimes, or even filing a civil suit against the driver.
I know that a civil suit can be expensive, but maybe there’s a lawyer out there willing to help her. There are good people everywhere, and I hope they hear her story. — Driven To Make a Difference
Dear Driven: Thank you for your letter. While nothing will bring back this husband and father, I agree that his family may find some small sense of peace by helping others who’ve suffered the same loss — or by working to spare another family from it.
Dear Annie: I feel a little silly even writing this because my mother is a wonderful grandmother. She absolutely adores my children, and they adore her. But lately, I’ve started to feel like she is much more interested in being their grandmother than in being my mother.
A few weeks ago, I called and asked if she wanted to meet me for lunch. I had been having a stressful week and was honestly looking forward to sitting down with my mom and catching up. Her first question was, “Are the kids coming?” When I told her no, that I thought it might be nice for just the two of us to have lunch, she suddenly remembered a few errands she needed to do and suggested we get together another time when the children were free.
This wasn’t the first time. If I invite her over, she immediately asks whether the kids will be home. When she calls, she wants to know what they are doing, what sports they have and when she can see them. She rarely asks how I’m doing or what is going on in my life. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear from the room completely and she wouldn’t notice as long as the grandchildren were there.
I really am grateful that my children have such a loving grandmother, and I don’t want to sound jealous of my own kids. But I miss my mother. I miss having lunch with her, talking to her as a daughter and feeling like she wants a relationship with me, too — not just with the family I created.
Is it selfish to feel hurt by this? And how do I tell my mother that I still need her to be my mom without making it sound like I’m competing with my own children for her attention? — Missing Mom
Dear Missing Mom: It’s clear that you’re not actually jealous of your children. You’re just missing your mother and the way your relationship used to be, which is a very different thing than jealousy.
Tell her gently that you love seeing her as an adoring and present grandmother, but you miss spending time with her as her daughter. You need more time with her in which you can stay in the role of being your mother’s daughter, not just the mother of her grandkids. She may not realize how left out you feel; it doesn’t seem you have taken the time to tell her. By communicating with her that you miss her, it will probably make her feel good. She will feel needed by you and her grandchildren.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.