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Dear Annie: I know I am stuck in the “old ways,” but I am trying to adapt to changing times. It is becoming very common for couples to live together before marriage.
While I have come to accept traditional and extravagant weddings as an occasion to finally declare their commitment before church and family, what I still struggle with are the bridal showers. This tradition is to gift the bride (and groom) with the necessities to set up their home as they begin their married life together. Many couples now have lived together for years in a furnished home. I doubt they are living without dishes, pots, towels, an iron, toaster or bedsheets! Why, just because they decide to marry, do they think they should be showered with everything new? I sit in shock as brides open all those gifts that I know they must already have. One bride even said that since she had most everything, all the new gifts would be put away until she and her husband have a new home someday. Really? I’m to furnish her future home?!
If times have changed, maybe traditions should, too: Cancel the bridal shower if the couple has already set up house. — Like the Old Ways Better.
Dear like the old ways better: I love the old ways as well. But I’m not so sure that the old ways were all that different. Whether people are living together or not, they still would appreciate an upgrade from their used pots, pans, dishes, glasses and sheets. After the wedding ceremony, they will be living together as a married couple, and that is something that should be celebrated!
Worry less about what is in the couple’s cupboard and more about what is in the couple’s heart. Wish them a very long and happy marriage and give them a gift that they will appreciate together as they enter this new and sacred phase of life.
Dear Annie: I have been talking to a guy overseas who says he’s in the military. However, I think he is sort of starting to be a scammer. Over the past few months, he has been asking for iTunes and Amazon gift cards. Now he wants me to open up a bank account online in my name, claiming that his colleague will be the one to add the money to the account. He keeps pressing me to give him my information, such as my online username, password and Social Security number. I feel reluctant to do this. What should I do? — Feeling Uncomfortable
Dear Feeling Uncomfortable: Heed your feelings. This guy isn’t just “starting to be a scammer”; he’s been a scammer all along. Don’t let him prey on you any longer. Take screenshots of his messages for your records and write down any other information you have on him; then block him on all messaging platforms. Don’t tell him you’re doing so, as he’ll just try wiggling his way back into your heart.
Then report him to the Federal Trade Commission (https://www.ftccomplaintassistant.gov), and check out the FTC’s blog post titled “Has an online love interest asked you for money?” You might recognize some uncanny similarities to your experience.
Dear Annie: For as long as I can remember, my mother has been extremely generous with gifts, sometimes to the point of being over the top. My sister and I have always thanked her, while also telling her she doesn’t need to fill our cars with presents for birthdays and holidays. Still, she continues.
Lately, though, her gift giving has started to feel less generous and more confusing.
Recently, she asked what my son wanted for his birthday. I gave her a list with several options at different price points. She immediately chose the most expensive item and announced, “I’ll get that for him.” But then she began asking whether a cheaper version would work, whether we could reuse something his older sibling already had, or whether I could contribute toward the cost.
There were plenty of less expensive choices on the list, so I couldn’t understand why she insisted on choosing the priciest gift only to make an issue of paying for it.
Something similar happened with my sister. My mother bought her an elaborate gift, then told other relatives that my sister is terrible with money and can barely pay her bills, implying that she needs my mother’s financial help. None of that is true. Eventually, the comments got back to my sister, who felt humiliated. My mother, meanwhile, came across as the generous parent rescuing her financially irresponsible daughter.
For context, I don’t believe my mother is struggling financially. She and her husband are comfortably retired, travel internationally frequently, and enjoy a lifestyle that includes a large home, expensive cars and country club memberships.
I’ve spent years in therapy learning that I can’t control my mother’s behavior, but I still struggle to understand it. Her generosity sometimes feels less like kindness and more like a way to create obligation, control the narrative or make herself look magnanimous at someone else’s expense.
How do you graciously accept a gift when it seems to come with emotional strings attached? And is there an appropriate way to address this behavior without turning every birthday and holiday into a confrontation? — Puzzled by the Presents
Dear Puzzled: A gift is supposed to come with a bow, not a bill of emotional obligations.
Your mother may enjoy being seen as the generous one, but generosity loses its shine when it is followed by guilt, criticism or a public accounting of what she has done for everyone.
You don’t have to figure out why she does it. You only have to decide what you will accept. The next time she starts negotiating after choosing an expensive gift, simply tell her to choose something she feels comfortable giving.
And if her gifts continue to come with strings attached, you are allowed to politely decline them. Gratitude is important, but so are boundaries.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.