Trending
Dear Annie: In response to all the working mothers who are weighed down by guilt, I’d like to share my experience.
I am 75 years old, and when I was growing up, my mother worked from 5 p.m. to 11 p.m. I usually came home from school around 3:30 or 4, and my memories of that time are nothing but warm.
Before leaving for work, my mother made dinner for my father to heat up later. She ate her own dinner at 4, and I would sit at the table with her and tell her about my day. She always gave me one bite from her plate while we talked, and somehow that small ritual has stayed with me all these years.
On her days off, she made time just for me. We colored together, read books or found something simple to do side by side.
I never remember feeling neglected because my mother worked. I remember feeling loved.
As you said, it really is about the quality of the time we give our children, not simply the quantity. — Grateful Daughter
Dear Grateful Daughter: Thank you for writing in and sharing your perspective. Your story is a good reminder that children often remember the quality of the time spent together more than the amount of it.
Dear Annie: My father was a very successful salesman who always dressed impeccably for work, client meetings and the golf course. But the minute he came home, he changed into what made him comfortable: old pants and worn T-shirts.
When my sister was about 12, she told our mother that she was embarrassed to bring friends over because of the way Dad dressed at home.
My mother gave her an answer I have never forgotten: “Those who care don’t matter, and those who matter don’t care.”
Looking back, I realize how much wisdom there was in that simple response. My father worked hard, provided for his family and was perfectly comfortable being himself in his own home.
I hope your readers who worry too much about appearances might take something from that. — Proud of My Father
Dear Proud: Thank you for writing in and sharing your mother’s wisdom. She had it exactly right. The people worth keeping around are usually far more interested in who you are than what you’re wearing.
Your father knew when to dress for success and when to dress for the sofa. There’s something to be said for being comfortable in your own clothes and your own skin.
Dear Annie: “Numb and Lost” wrote to you regarding emotional detachment as a result of trauma and challenges in their life and struggles with finding proper therapy. As a 37-year-old male who has had difficulties and consequent challenges in therapy, I can relate.
In many ways, finding good therapy is its own battle, on top of the battle presented by whatever it is that causes us to seek therapy in the first place. It’s not fair, and it can make an already difficult situation seem all the more hopeless, but persistence is key.
I recommend the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI, as a starting point for anyone looking for help with their mental health. They can provide resources specific to a person’s location and situation. You can find them at NAMI.org.
Trying to find a good therapist can be a difficult journey. Take one step at a time. When you find a good one, it’s well worth it. — Persistent Waddler
Dear Persistent Waddler: You are correct that finding a good therapist can be a battle in and of itself. But it is well worth it. As Thomas Carlyle wrote, “Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.” Thank you for your letter.
Dear Annie: I am the person who wrote to you a few years ago about sending a box of thank-you notes and Forever Stamps as gifts to nonresponders. It was not very successful. This year, I rethought the problem and decided to be straightforward, at least with my own five grandchildren, who range in age from 11 to 25.
I decided that if I didn’t tell them, I shouldn’t expect them to read my mind. I told them straight out what my expectations would be going forward. “If I give you a gift in person,” I said, “you open it in front of me, and you thank me, and that is sufficient. If I send you a gift in the mail, I expect a timely communication saying that it has arrived and was appreciated.”
I explained that I don’t text, so I would need a phone call or email to inform me that the gift had actually arrived and was not lifted by a porch pirate. I told them that, henceforth, I would be maintaining two lists: a “gift” list, and a “cards only” list. If they don’t contact me in a timely fashion, they will be bumped to the “cards only” list.
One hasn’t been here to get his gift yet; one opened his gift in my presence; one called me from out of state, and we had a nice chat; and one opened his gift in my presence but called me anyway, saying, “Granny, I just wanted to be sure I stay on the ‘gift’ list.”
I haven’t heard from the last, the 11-year-old, so I will stick to my word when his birthday comes later in January. At some point, I might give him another chance, but NOT this year.
Seems like this will work! — Saying It Straight
Dear Saying It Straight: I love this approach. You are correct that people are not mind readers, and being direct with your expectations will help prevent many irritations before they become serious problems.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.