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Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for over 50 years. While we are physically unable to have sexual relations due to several health factors, I’m not missing it. Why? Because he has terrible hygiene practices and the biggest is not brushing his teeth enough. He has horrible halitosis now.
I can barely manage to travel short distances in the car with him. He likes to listen to music, but in the car, he whistles to it. He’s always unaware that when he does this, I put my hand over my nose and mouth, and direct the AC vents up toward him to help blow it away. He angers easily and gets insulted when I suggest he brush more and use mouthwash. I know if he tried to be more diligent regarding his breath, I would want to have some cuddle-up time.
He reads the newspaper cover to cover, so I’m hoping he will recognize himself and make some adjustments — not just for me, but for us. — Wishing I Could Talk to Him
Dear Wishing: After 50 years of marriage, there shouldn’t be anything you can’t say to your spouse. Instead of confronting him in an accusatory way, make sure to come from a place of kindness and concern. Let your husband know that you care about him and want to make sure, most importantly, that he’s taking care of himself. It’s not the easiest conversation to have but assure him that he shouldn’t be embarrassed. At the end of the day, you simply have his best interest at heart.
Dear Annie: What is the proper etiquette for paying the bill at restaurants while dining out with in-laws?
My daughter is married to a wonderful man who is from a large family. He has three brothers who are all married with several children each. My daughter is our only one. There are times when I attend dinners with this wonderful family, but I’m not sure what to do when the bill comes. There are 15 of them and only one of me (but five of them are mine, too, being my daughter and her family).
I have offered to help out with the bill several times, but they have taken care of it before I can get my wallet out. What should I do next time I am invited to their family dinners? I don’t want to be thought of as taking advantage of their generosity. — Not a Cheapskate
Dear Not a Cheapskate: I’m confident your in-laws don’t think anything of the sort. Likely, they’ve taken it upon themselves to reach for the bill because they realize how many more of them there are than you. Before the next family meal, take one of your son-in-law’s parents aside to express your gratitude and see how you can contribute for your portion before the check comes. I’m sure they will appreciate your mindfulness.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and we agree on most things except how to spend our free time. I love to travel. Even a long weekend in a new city makes me feel excited and alive. I enjoy planning the itinerary, trying local restaurants and coming home with stories and memories. My husband would rather stay home, work in the yard, watch a game and sleep in his own bed.
Whenever I suggest a trip, he immediately starts listing the cost, the airport delays, the crowds and everything that could go wrong. Last year, I planned a four-day trip for our anniversary, and he spent most of the time complaining about the hotel mattress and how much everything cost. I came home feeling more disappointed than refreshed.
Lately, I have started traveling with my sister or a close friend, but my husband gets quiet and hurt when I go without him. He says married couples should want to experience things together. I agree, but I also do not think I should have to give up something that brings me so much joy. At the same time, when he suggests another quiet weekend at home, I feel restless and trapped.
I love my husband and enjoy the life we have built, but I am beginning to resent always having to choose between traveling without him and staying home unhappy. How can two people with completely different ideas of adventure find a compromise that does not leave either one feeling rejected? — Packed and Ready
Dear Packed and Ready: Marriage does not require two people to share every interest. It requires them to respect what brings the other person joy.
Plan one or two trips a year that suit you both, perhaps somewhere relaxing with fewer crowds and less rushing. Then travel with your sister or friends without guilt, while encouraging your husband to enjoy his time at home. Compromise should stretch both people a little, not leave one person permanently stuck on the couch.
It may help to talk less about the destination and more about what travel means to each of you. For you, it sounds like adventure, discovery and making memories. For him, home may represent comfort, security and peace of mind. Neither perspective is wrong, but understanding the feelings beneath your preferences can make compromise feel less like sacrifice.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.