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Dear Annie: I sit here writing to you starting another week much like the past six months of this year: depressed by the way time has altered my life.
I’m 76 and married. My routine rarely changes. I wake up, listen to the news and eat breakfast. I straighten up the house and make the bed. I sometimes go shopping or have doctor’s visits. I read, do needlework and pay bills. My family lives 200 miles away, and I talk to them every Sunday. If I don’t, I feel more depressed. Visits from family have lessened since our children have grown and gotten jobs.
I feel like crying most of the time and have no one to talk to about how I’m feeling. Most people have told me to get a hobby, but I have limited resources to pursue one, if I could even decide on one. I just don’t want to do anything. I’m not much of a joiner, so I go from one day to the next, counting the hours till bedtime, and then I start the process all over. The thought of my late relatives going through this alone and me not realizing it at the time till I’ve experienced it myself breaks my heart.
I fear if my husband dies first, I will die alone here or in a small apartment. I want to sell our house and plan for our older years. I think maybe I’d like to move closer to my family, but my husband refuses to plan for that or deal with this situation. He’s happy where we are, near his family, with his daily hobby set up in our basement.
What is happiness? I’m thankful for my health so far and that our needs are taken care of. We have food, a warm house in the winter, a cool house in the summer, a washer and dryer. I’ve been on one of the weight loss/diabetic meds for over a year and feel I’ve gotten worse. I’m sure we will increase the dose at my next doctor’s visit soon, but to what end? No change, just a life that is defeating and lonely. — Crying Alone in NC
Dear Crying Alone: Your letter doesn’t sound like someone who’s simply defeated or lonely. Crying often, losing interest in things, oversleeping and feeling as though every day is just something to get through are all signs of someone who’s genuinely depressed.
At your next doctor’s appointment, don’t just talk about your current medication. Tell your doctor exactly what you told me. Depression is treatable, and it’s also worth discussing whether your meds could be affecting your mood.
At the same time, remember that getting better isn’t something that just happens to you; it’s something you have to participate in. You don’t have to become a social butterfly overnight, but you do have to begin taking baby steps toward the life you want. More phone calls with your family, a daily walk, enrolling in a local class, scheduling lunch with a neighbor — these small efforts add up.
And don’t give up on the conversation with your husband. You deserve to be heard when you say you’re unhappy. A good partner doesn’t have to have all the answers, but he should be willing to face the questions with you.
Dear Annie: My next-door neighbor recently cut down several beautiful old trees along our shared property line. These were not little saplings. They were tall, graceful, historic-looking trees that had been there long before either of us bought our homes.
They gave our street character. They shaded our yard in the summer. Birds nested there. In the fall, they were gorgeous. Now the view from my kitchen window is a raw stump, a fence and the side of my neighbor’s house.
I know the trees were technically on his property, and I understand that people have the right to make decisions about their own land. But I am heartsick. It feels like something irreplaceable was taken away overnight. I am also angry because he never mentioned it to us beforehand, even though the trees affected both properties.
My husband says I need to let it go because there is nothing we can do now. But every time I look outside, I feel sad all over again. I do not want to start a war with the neighbor, but I also do not know how to get past the loss.
How do you make peace with a neighbor’s decision when it changes the place you love? — Missing the Trees
Dear Missing the Trees: Anyone who has loved an old tree understands your grief. A mature tree provides much more than just landscaping. It can offer protection, shade and a place for squirrels and birds to hang out. When it disappears one day without warning, the loss can feel shocking.
Your husband is right that there’s nothing you can do to put the trees back, but that does not mean your sadness is silly. You are mourning a piece of your daily landscape. Give yourself a little time to feel that.
Then do two things. First, resist the urge to let your strong feelings of grief to fuel a neighborhood feud. Your neighbor may have had reasons to cut down the trees that you do not know. The trees may have been diseased, damaging pipes, threatening the house or simply part of a plan you dislike. You can be disappointed without declaring him a villain.
Second, take back what you can control. Plant something beautiful on your side. Talk to an arborist or local nursery about fast-growing trees, native shrubs or layered plantings that will bring back shade, privacy and birds. It will not be the same as the old landscaping, but it can become something lovely in its own right.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.