Trending
Dear Annie: My husband and I have one daughter, and family has always been important to us. She has several cousins around her age, and we’ve always hoped they would grow up close. Over the years, we’ve been the ones reaching out to make plans, but the effort is rarely reciprocated.
I don’t believe anyone is intentionally trying to hurt our daughter. It simply feels as though she’s an afterthought. She often isn’t included in birthday parties or family get-togethers, and when relatives gather nearby, no one thinks to invite her.
Recently, several of her cousins spent time together just minutes from our home. Our daughter happened to see them, and it broke her heart. She came home asking why she wasn’t invited. As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to watch your child feel forgotten, even when no one meant to hurt her. We understand families have their own dynamics and that people don’t always think to include everyone. We don’t want to intrude, but it’s still hard not to feel hurt.
I’ve realized I can’t control how close other people choose to be, but I can control what I expose my daughter to. At some point, continuing to show up hoping things will be different starts to feel like I’m asking her to keep risking disappointment. As she gets older, I don’t want her growing up wondering why she’s never included or feeling like she has to earn a place in her own family. I want her to be able to accept things as they are and make peace with it, not grow resentful.
If our relatives ask why we’re no longer attending every holiday or gathering, I want to answer honestly but without anger or blame. I simply want them to understand that I’m choosing to protect my daughter’s heart.
How do I explain that sometimes the healthiest thing a parent can do is stop putting their child in situations where they consistently feel overlooked? At what point do you stop chasing relationships that only seem to matter to one side? How do I set that boundary with kindness while making it clear that my daughter’s emotional well-being has to come first? — Worried Mom in the Middle of the Mitten
Dear Worried Mom: Love shouldn’t have to be chased, and neither should belonging. If your daughter consistently feels like an afterthought in her own extended family, it’s fair to ask whether these relationships are causing her more harm than good.
You don’t have to make a grand announcement or assign blame. Accept the invitations that feel right and politely decline the ones that don’t. Encourage your daughter to invest her time and energy in people who nurture her in return. If your relatives ask why you’ve been around less, answer honestly but kindly. Tell them your decision is entirely about protecting your daughter’s heart and spirit.
One last thought: Be careful not to make this your daughter’s story. The greatest gift you can give her is the confidence that love and belonging should never have to be earned.
Dear Annie: I am a retired RN, and I was interested when one of your readers wrote that if an elderly person falls, they should not be allowed to drive. I am here to tell you there is no direct correlation between falls and driving. Falls for the elderly occur for many reasons — some known and others unknown.
The statement in your column was not qualified. Perhaps it should say that in some cases people should not drive due to a medical condition, such as dizziness, seizures, visual deficits, cardiac condition or medications.
Although the elderly perhaps are known to fall more frequently, the origin of the cause of falling is often unknown. It also may not affect their driving safely. Mobility too may be limited, but that does not necessarily affect one’s safe driving ability.
The fear of drivers causing an accident after a certain age is of course natural, but so are all deaths while behind the wheel, and there are factors other than age that lead to accidents. People are living to an older age, with many having no cognitive deficits. However, some may have slower reflexes.
There are online defensive driving courses for seniors, including ones offered by AAA and AARP for under $30. Completion of the course may give you a discount on insurance premiums. It certainly is a good idea to at least consider these courses even if insurance does not give a discount when you complete the course.
Hope you can use this information. — Older Drivers
Dear Older Drivers: Thank you for this very helpful information. I hope that people look into taking one of the driving courses for seniors. It sounds like it could be very beneficial for everyone. I love hearing from professionals.
Dear Annie: I saw your column where the person who wrote to you was trying to stop an older driver from getting behind the wheel of a car.
My sister had a great solution to the same problem.
Mom (80-plus at the time) went away for a few days, and when she returned, my sister introduced her to “Penny” and said, “You remember Penny? She will drive you wherever you want to go.” She was lucky enough to have someone Mom was familiar with, but that was pre-ride-share services.
I would recommend saying the following to one’s elderly parents: “Hi Mom/Dad. This is your Lyft/Uber app. I/we set up an account for you. Here’s how to use it.” If your loved one is able to get behind the wheel, they can use the app.
Mom wasn’t happy, but “Penny” became a great asset for us and safety for Mom and the public! She died peacefully at 86, never injuring herself or anyone else. — Been There
Dear Been There: What a great solution. I hope your tips inspire others to do the same.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.