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Dear Annie: Although many years have passed since my husband died, I don’t feel any peace. There was no justice whatsoever.
A young girl talking on her cellphone (cellphone records proved this!) lost control of her vehicle on a busy early morning on the highway. Four witnesses testified to her weaving erratically all over the narrow highway lanes. My husband’s vehicle went over the guardrail to avoid her. His vehicle dropped down an embankment approximately 40 feet below and landed on its roof.
Firemen extricated him from his vehicle, and he was transported by ambulance to the hospital’s critical care unit. He suffered a brain bleed and fractures of the thoracic and cervical spine. After 26 days in a coma, my beloved husband passed away. My daughter and I lost the most wonderful father and husband. The other driver? She lost nothing. This girl had no injuries whatsoever.
The state said that she would receive no jail time, just 100 hours of community service for taking a human life. It was so obvious, even from the beginning, that her family’s wealth and connections, plus the corrupt state’s attorney, bought her way out. The state reasoned that she graduated as class valedictorian from high school and would be attending college. She had her whole life ahead of her. What about my husband’s life?
At the hearing, the judge asked her if she was talking on her phone. She looked him right in the eye, lied and said no.
People have commented that I should get over it. I can’t get over it, and I will never forgive her. There was no justice. I firmly believe that there are people who don’t have a soul or a conscience, and she is one of them. The heartache of losing him, plus the other many hardships of life, has made it very difficult for my daughter and me to survive. — Unable To Forgive
Dear Unable To Forgive: I’m so sorry to you and your daughter for the loss of your husband. You both were robbed of more time with someone you loved deeply, and no matter how many years pass, that pain doesn’t simply disappear.
But holding onto this anger hasn’t punished the young woman who caused the crash; it’s only prolonged your own suffering. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing what happened or agreeing with the court’s decision. It means freeing yourself from carrying her actions with you every day. It isn’t easy, but you’ve already spent years carrying this burden. You deserve some relief.
A good therapist or grief support group may help you find comfort among others who understand this kind of loss. You may never find justice to your satisfaction, but I hope that, in time, you can find some measure of peace.
Dear Annie: I am not someone who talks easily. Most of the time, I respond when spoken to, but otherwise I keep to myself.
I grew up in a home where silence was a weapon. When my mother was angry with my father, she would stop speaking to him. Sometimes it lasted for days. Sometimes, believe it or not, it lasted for years. Somehow, they are still together, though now it seems less like love and more like old age, habit and their shared dependence on each other.
When I was 22 and in the military, I met my first wife. We had a child, and at first, life seemed manageable. But when we argued, she could become cruel. She would say the meanest things she could think of, especially when she was drinking. When I tried to talk and she would not calm down, I shut down. It felt like the only way to protect myself.
But shutting down did not solve anything. Over time, things got worse. Her drinking increased, then drugs entered the picture. Our home became chaotic. During one deployment, I realized things had spiraled even further. There were people in our house, and eventually, cheating. She also became physical with me. More than once, I was the one removed from the house, even though I was the one with marks on my body.
After seven years, I filed for divorce and got custody of our son. He is now 24 and doing well. My ex and I have since buried the hatchet, and she has apologized.
A few years after that divorce, I met my current wife. She was 18, and I was 27. We loved each other and quickly had three children. She was nothing like my ex, but I brought my old habits with me. When things got hard, I shut down. I failed in ways that matter deeply: I was not always present, I did not listen well, I did not help enough around the house, and I lacked patience with our children at times.
My wife would say she is not perfect either, but after 18 years together, she is perfect to me.
Now our children are mostly grown, and the distractions of raising them no longer hide the cracks in our marriage. My wife has told me she cannot keep living this way. We have talked about my need to change, and I have tried before, but it never lasted.
For years, I avoided therapy because I thought going meant there was something broken in me. My ex used to call me weak and worse, and part of me believed that if I got help, she would be proven right. I was also afraid my wife would see me as damaged and leave.
Now I have finally called and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I know this will not be fixed in a week or two. It may take months or even years. My wife has asked for space, so I will be moving into the front room for now. We are also preparing to talk to our children about what is happening.
I love my wife. I want to change. But I am terrified that I will do the work, become better for her and our family, and she may still choose divorce.
Is it possible to truly change with help and still have a chance at saving my marriage? — Trying to Learn How to Talk
Dear Trying: Yes, change is possible. But the change has to be for more than saving your marriage. It has to be because you are finally ready to stop letting silence run your life.
Therapy does not mean you are broken. It means you are brave enough to stop handing your past the steering wheel. Your ex’s cruel words were not a diagnosis. They were weapons.
Your wife may or may not stay. That is the painful truth. But becoming a better listener, father, husband and person will never be wasted work. Give her the space she asked for. Continue your growth through attending therapy. Try to make small changes every day in the direction of taking care of yourself.
Show up. Listen. Help without being asked. Speak before you shut down. Apologize without defending yourself.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stay and try to work it out when it is difficult.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.