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Dear Annie: Every year, around Memorial Day, I tell myself this will be the summer we slow down. I picture lazy mornings, dinners outside, long walks after sunset and maybe even reading a book that is not interrupted every three minutes.
Then somehow, by the second week of June, my calendar looks like it was planned by a cruise director with a caffeine problem. There are family visits, graduation parties, barbecues, kids’ sports, camp forms, beach weekends, house projects and friends saying, “Let’s definitely get together soon,” which apparently means finding one open Tuesday in August.
Last weekend, I spent two hours packing for a “relaxing” beach day: towels, chairs, snacks, sunscreen, hats, water bottles, extra clothes and enough sandwiches to feed a marching band. By the time we got there, someone was hungry, someone was hot, someone forgot goggles, and I was already fantasizing about going home.
Meanwhile, social media is full of people posting golden-hour photos with captions like “simple summer joys,” while I am sweating in a grocery store wondering why I agreed to host 18 people for dinner.
I love my family and friends, and I do want to make memories. But I am tired of feeling like summer only counts if every weekend is packed and every moment is picture-perfect.
How do I enjoy the season without turning it into a performance? — Sunburned and Scheduled
Dear Sunburned and Scheduled: Summer is supposed to be a season, not a second career. Pick a few things that truly matter, leave some weekends gloriously unplanned, and remember that children often remember sprinkler afternoons and ice cream cones just as much as elaborate outings.
Memories do not need a packed cooler, a perfect sunset or photographic evidence. Sometimes the best summer plan is saying no, sitting down and letting the lemonade sweat instead of you.
Dear Annie: My best friend has become impossible to make plans with. She cancels at the last minute, usually with a vague excuse, then acts hurt when I stop inviting her. Last weekend, I made dinner reservations for four, and she texted 20 minutes before that she “wasn’t up for it.” This has happened so many times that I now feel foolish counting on her.
I love her and know she may be going through something, but I’m tired of rearranging my life around someone who treats my time like a suggestion. How do I stay kind without becoming a doormat? — Tired of Being Canceled on
Dear Tired: Kindness does not require you to keep a standing reservation for disappointment. Tell your friend you care about her, but last-minute cancellations have become hurtful and inconvenient. Keep inviting her when you truly want to, but make plans that do not depend on her showing up. Boundaries are not punishment; they are how friendships survive reality.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. When we met, we had both already lost our parents. During all our time together, my husband’s younger brother has spent Christmas at our home — even after we got married and he got married, after we moved out of state and had children (now 17 and 20), and after he and his wife had their child (10 years old).
A few years ago, they decided to stay at an Airbnb for Christmas for several reasons, including visiting other family and friends in our mutual hometown. However, they spend a portion of every day of their stay, which can range from five to seven days, with us, and of course, they spend all of Christmas Day, including Christmas morning, at our home. They don’t even ask; they simply inform us what days they’re getting in and leaving.
In the very early years, when my brother-in-law was single, and even when he was first married, we were happy about this. Their bohemian, unconventional lifestyle was kind of charming, and it felt the way having younger siblings does. But now we’re all in our late 40s, and I’m over it. I’m very resentful that I do so much to enjoy my favorite holiday and I’m forced to share it with people we’re no longer as close with and who contribute absolutely nothing to the celebration.
I know my husband loves his brother, but it’s funny that most years, my children and I seem to spend far more time with them while they’re here than he does. I feel trapped, and I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t want to damage their relationship, but I don’t want to feel this way about Christmas for the rest of my life.
I’d hoped that eventually they would want to stay back to give my nephew Christmas in his own home, but they don’t even get a tree or do anything. They wait till they’re here and share our Christmas. They’re not financially challenged, nor do they have any legitimate reason why they need us to host the holiday for them.
Am I wrong? If not, I need your help. — Desperately Seeking a Solo Family Christmas
Dear Desperately Seeking: What started as a fun tradition has quietly turned into an expectation, and you’re not wrong for wanting Christmas to feel like your own again.
The key here is your husband. This is his brother, and the conversation needs to start with him. Don’t frame it as feeling “trapped,” but as wanting more space for your own family traditions and a little peace during your favorite holiday.
You don’t have to ban the in-laws entirely. Maybe you celebrate together every other year, or maybe the gathering shifts to Christmas Eve dinner instead of Christmas morning — without a week of constant drop-ins. After two decades, it’s OK to say a tradition has run its course and explore something new. Just remember: Your family can’t respond to feelings you never express.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.