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Dear Annie: I have been with “Garrett” for over four years now. I have a son who is 9, and we share a daughter, 3. I was a single mom for four years before I met Garrett, so I did everything on my own.
Garrett is always willing to make my lunch for work, clean after I get home from work, do laundry, etc. so I can relax. My problem is I tend to say no. I’ll do it myself, and then I become overwhelmed trying to do everything. I know I’m being resistant, but I feel as a mom, it’s my sole responsibility to do so. How do I loosen up and let him help me out more without feeling guilty that I’m not doing enough? — Used to Being Manic Mom
Dear Manic Mom: Take a moment and cut yourself some slack. After so many years as a single mom, it makes sense you might feel like you’re not operating at full capacity. But I guarantee you’re doing much more than you’re giving yourself credit for.
It takes time to adjust to the idea of letting another person into your life and routine, but try your best to normalize it and get comfortable. You are lucky to have a husband and father who wants to pitch in as your equal: That’s what good partners do. Now, you just have to let him.
Dear Annie: I’m a teenager about to be a junior in high school in the fall. So far, high school has been bland. Nothing exciting happens. I guess the only thing that is exciting is the fact that I’m going to Japan on a school trip in less than two weeks. I want to go to college, but I want to attend a college out of state because I want a fresh start. Plus, I don’t want to see former classmates at college. (I have some ideas in mind as to which out-of-state colleges to go to, but I haven’t visited them yet. My main focus is to see if they have Japanese as a major.)
I want a fresh start for myself; I want to have some kind of friend group (I’m an introvert), a boyfriend, and I want to attend parties but not so many that it’s like I only went to college just to party. But I’ve noticed that I have a hard time making decisions about certain things because I’m too worried that whatever I choose will be a bad decision in the future. I tend to dwell on the future rather than the present, which makes me very upset with myself. I tend to be very hard on myself, which makes me feel like I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to this stuff.
I also noticed that I’m always worrying about things instead of just relaxing and “being a teenager.” Other times, I feel like I’m behind in everything that should happen to teenagers. Sometimes, I just want to give up and stop trying because nothing is going right for me. But other times, I want to keep going and try and see what happens. What should I do? — Doubting Everything in Life
Dear Doubting: Another instance that warrants more self-love and grace. You sound like a very bright, conscientious, mature teen with so much potential and promise. None of us know exactly what the future holds. Don’t let the fear of that unknown rob you of today’s joy and living your present life to the fullest.
Continue pursuing your passions, like studying Japanese and traveling. Meet new people, try new things, take chances, and keep an open mind. You have a good head on your shoulders that, regardless of what decisions you make or paths you take, I’m confident you’ll always land on your feet.
Dear Annie: My wife and I are members of a local church, though I will admit we are not exactly front-pew regulars. We go about once a month, sometimes more during holidays or when life is calmer. Our faith matters to us, but we practice it quietly and privately.
One of our neighbors and her husband also belong to the same church. They are much more involved. He does readings, and she sings in the choir. I respect that, and I admire people who give so much of their time.
The problem is that this neighbor seems to have appointed herself the church attendance monitor. At neighborhood cookouts, driveway chats and casual gatherings, she will say, in front of others, “I didn’t see you in church on Sunday.”
It always lands like a little public scolding. My wife and I both feel embarrassed, as if we have been called to the principal’s office in front of the whole class. Sometimes there is a perfectly good reason we missed church. Sometimes we were tired, traveling, helping family or just needed a quiet Sunday at home. But I do not think we should have to explain ourselves.
We like our neighbors and do not want to create hard feelings. At the same time, our church attendance is personal, and I do not appreciate being shamed over potato salad at a block party.
What can I say that is polite, firm and maybe even a little humorous, so she gets the message without turning it into a neighborhood feud? — Keeping the Faith Privately
Dear Keeping the Faith: Your neighbor may have an important role singing in the choir, but that does not make her head of admissions.
The next time she points out that she didn’t see you in church on Sunday, smile and say, “We must have missed each other. But thank you for thinking of us.” Then change the subject.
If she insists on figuring out what you did in the time you weren’t at church, say something even clearer, such as, “We prefer to keep our church attendance private.” Translation: It is none of her business. But that is subtly said with a hymnal in one hand and good manners in the other.
You do not owe her any explanation on what you do with your own time and how you observe your own religion. Faith is something that many people consider to be deeply personal, and you have every right to keep yours private.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.