ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My son recently got married. My new daughter-in-law used to dress so cute. She always had makeup on and her hair done. But nowadays, she dresses like a slob. There are days I swear she doesn’t brush her hair. She’s told me herself that her mom has said to her, “What’s wrong with you? Since you got married, you’ve let yourself go,” and I think the same thing. I want to say something to her, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. What should I do? — Troubled MIL

Dear Troubled: Don’t say anything about her looks. Changes to appearance can sometimes point to stress, exhaustion or depression. Maybe her priorities have simply shifted after marriage. Either way, criticism, especially from her mother-in-law, is far more likely to strain your relationship than to strengthen it.

Instead of focusing on the outside, take note of the inside. How does she seem beneath the surface? Be warm, curious and supportive. If something deeper is going on, she’s far more likely to open up to someone who makes her feel accepted rather than evaluated.

Dear Annie: My 14-year-old sister leaves her papers and schoolwork everywhere — in the kitchen, the living room, even the hallway. Every time I ask her to please move it into her room, which is an utter disgrace, too, she replies that she will do it later. And yet, days later, it’s still in the same place. This results in me bringing it all up to her room for her, only for it to end up right back where it was.

She’s so messy and leaves her things downstairs as she can’t be bothered to tidy her own room enough to store her work there. What’s worse is I’m a very clean and tidy person, so I tend to avoid her room if I can help it. But when her mess scatters the whole house, my OCD gets very triggered and I end up in this pattern. Please help! How can I stop her from doing this? — My OCD Nightmare

Dear OCD Nightmare: Just because your sister is messy doesn’t mean you have to be her maid. Every time you gather up her papers and carry them to her room — even if it’s partly to make yourself feel better — you’re teaching her that someone else will eventually handle the problem.

Stop rescuing her from her own clutter. Instead, calmly set a boundary: Anything she leaves in shared spaces gets stacked in one designated spot — no chasing after her, no cleaning up behind her. Let her deal with the consequences of her own disorganization.

And a word of caution to you: Be careful about casually labeling yourself “OCD.” Lots of tidy people feel stressed by mess. Actual obsessive-compulsive disorder is much more serious than simply liking a clean house.

Dear Annie: I recently found a pair of earrings missing from my jewelry box. These earrings had belonged to my mother. My sister-in-law spoke of wanting them and felt (for some unknown reason that she herself could not express) that she deserved them. I have no proof that she took them. I don’t even know how long they’ve been missing.

What should I do? — Suspicious

Dear Suspicious: If your sister-in-law took the earrings, then she has to live with herself knowing that she stole something. As they say, you can buy many things, but you can’t buy a good conscience. Next time you see your sister-in-law, tell her that they are missing and ask if her husband has seen them around. You could also ask your brother if he has seen Mom’s earrings around the house — without accusing anyone; you are simply on a mission to find them.

Dear Annie: I’m writing in reference to the man who is convinced his wife threw his old jeans out and yelled at him because she has bipolar disorder. It isn’t her bipolar disorder causing her to behave that way; it’s you!

I don’t have bipolar disorder, and yet my husband drove me to react the same way. He wears nice clothes to his office and then comes home and puts rags on for me to look at all night. He would have nice jeans and shirts in his closet, but instead he ate dinner and watched TV dressed like he was going to change his oil or do some painting. He would also try to go places with me dressed like that.

“I’m not going to see anyone I know,” he would say, and I replied, “I have to look at you! Thanks a lot for trying to look nice for me.”

The biggest frustration is that I have always tried to look nice for him.

I regularly took my husband’s raggedy clothes and cut them up to make cleaning rags from them. I did this so he would not continue to wear them. He was an absolute embarrassment. One day, he wanted to go somewhere, and I went to get in the car with my old painting jeans and sweatshirt, no makeup, hair hanging in my eyes. He said, “Aren’t you going to change?” I said, “No, I’m not going to see anyone I know.” — Fed-Up Wife

Dear Fed Up: On the one hand, you could look at it how flattering it is that your husband feels so comfortable with you that he doesn’t have to impress you. Instead, it sounds more like he is taking you for granted and you are tired of it. Marriage takes work, and part of that work is not taking the other for granted. Get curious about why he doesn’t feel the need to dress nice in front of you.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.