ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I am 28, a college graduate, and have been told by my family and friends that I am good-looking. I am respectful of women I take out on dates; I pay for all the meals, am pleasant and interesting to talk to, and am neat and clean. I smell good, from cologne to fresh breath, and always dress neatly and fashionably. I am in finance and make six figures. However, rarely do I get a second date. I can’t understand why.

Do all women just want “bad boys”? I am successful professionally but am in a dead end romantically. I want to find someone to build a relationship with, eventually marry, and start a family, but I can’t do that if I can’t even get a second date. What’s wrong with me? — Looking for Love

Dear Looking: Loosen up! Stop focusing on doing all the “right” things and instead focus on having fun and living in the moment. Show girls your sense of humor; get in touch with your goofy side; plan creative dates.

You also sound overly concerned with how your dates view you, but what do you think of them? Make sure to evaluate the connection you have with these women and think about how you feel when you’re with them. Remember: you’re looking for your future partner, not a set of boxes to check.

Dear Annie: We’ve been married nine years and have a 3-year-old daughter. We share responsibilities in raising her. But I’m beginning to feel like I’m being used. I work nights and when I get home from work at 8 am, I’ll find a list on the kitchen table of chores my wife wants done. Aside from the fact I need to sleep, I take my daughter to pre-school three days a week and pick her up three hours later.

I’m drifting away from my wife and she is increasingly angry at me. Please don’t suggest counseling. She’d never do it because she says the fault is all mine. — Two Ships Passing in the Night

Dear Two Ships: Sit down as a couple, and lay out both your work schedules, household responsibilities and other obligations. It sounds like you two barely have time to see one another and probably don’t know what the other is up to when you’re not around. Come to an agreement that better balances the household chores while making sure your daughter’s child care is still well supported. If you can, work in some one-on-one quality time as a couple, too. It’s important to make time to reconnect with each other amidst the hubbub of daily life.

Dear Annie: I’m a 63-year-old widow with three grown children. Two of them live nearby and are wonderful children, while the third is estranged and lives several states away. It’s been six years since I’ve seen her. She’s sent very brief emails wishing me a happy birthday, etc., but nothing more.

Over the course of these six years, my other children discovered their sister has been telling her friends and acquaintances that she was severely abused growing up, specifically sexually abused by both her now-deceased father and her brother. These are vicious lies.

When she was a teenager and going through a cutting phase, we got her psychiatric help. I obtained access to her medical records of these visits, and the doctor diagnosed her as having a severe personality disorder as well as being a compulsive liar.

She apparently made up so many unbelievable stories, including being raped by celebrities and being abandoned in the woods at the age of 6 during a camping trip, that the doctor told her that unless she started telling the truth, he would no longer treat her. She never went back.

Her two siblings have no contact with her and consider her dead to them.

My struggle is that I’m still her mother. I still worry about her. I worry if she’s on drugs. I lose a lot of sleep and really need to, at least emotionally and for my own health, let her go. She’s 27 now and responsible for her own choices.

A big question I have for you revolves around the fact that she doesn’t know that we know about the lies she’s told her friends. Her side of things is that we are toxic and she had to extricate herself from us. But I feel I have to be prepared if she ever shows up on my doorstep wanting to come back into my life, no matter how remote a chance that may be.

I’ve gone through this many times in my head — her standing there, not having seen me in six years, wanting a hug, me wanting to hug her, but knowing the lies she’s made up about her dad, her brother and her past. I feel that if I simply embrace her, I will be betraying her brother and accepting the lies she’s told. She never pursued anything legally, just told her friends these things.

Our family wasn’t perfect, but she grew up pretty privileged. How could she have done this? Would I just forgive and invite her in? Would I tell her I know about her lies and close the door in her face? I know the likelihood of her appearing out of the blue is very low, but I must be prepared if it does happen. Any advice? — Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving: Two things can be true at once: You can love your daughter and worry about her, while also feeling betrayed and standing firmly by your husband and son.

From what you describe, your daughter has long struggled, and you may never fully understand the choices she’s made or the stories she’s told. That’s a painful reality, but it’s not one you can fix.

If she ever does return, you don’t have to decide everything in a single moment. You can meet her with love and still be clear that rekindling any sort of relationship will take time, honesty and effort — largely from her.

For now, focus on finding some peace for yourself. A mother’s love never goes away, but remember to take care of yourself, too.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.