ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My husband and I are invited to my co-worker’s daughter’s midweek black-tie wedding at 3 p.m. My husband and I would need to leave work early to attend, and I feel it’s a burden to both take time off work and purchase or rent black-tie attire for a warm weather event in the summer.

Is it acceptable to decline the invite and just send a nice gift? The couple getting married have been living together for a year, although I congratulate them for making vows to each other. I wish the couple was more understanding of the possible financial burden to their guests.

Your advice is much appreciated. Thank you. — Formally Frustrated

Dear Formally Frustrated: An invitation is just that; it’s an offer, not a summons. Couples plan weddings that suit their vision, and guests decide what suits their circumstances. No offense needs to be taken on either side.

If attending means leaving work early and investing in black-tie attire you’re unlikely to wear again, it’s perfectly acceptable to decline with a warm note and a gift. Wish them a beautiful day, send your congratulations and rest easy.

Good manners are always in season — even when black tie isn’t.

Dear Annie: I left home (the state I grew up in) 14 years ago and swore I wouldn’t come back. To put it lightly, my family has a very different mindset. Through therapy, I’ve learned just how different we are and that it was healthier for my sanity to stay away.

But my husband, after speaking with them (they can be very charming on the phone), wanted to get to know them. My mother was ill, so he and my family convinced me to come back to take care of her.

It hasn’t been all bad, but it has become a huge financial, and at times physical and emotional, burden — not because of my mother, but because of everyone else. I have my own home in the state I chose to make home, and between my sisters arguing over who gets control of my parents’ nonexistent finances and worrying about my stepdad if his blood sugar takes a turn, it’s almost unbearable. They even went so far as to list my house behind my back, hoping they could get a good offer and I would be stuck here.

My question is: How do I make a polite exit from this nightmare without hurting my mom and making her feel abandoned? I’m so tired of the nonsense and just can’t deal with my sisters or my stepfather anymore. My husband and I are paying for everything and getting no respect. I feel close to a blowup, and I’m craving the solitude of my home.

Please help me. I want to go home. — Homesick and Overwhelmed

Dear Homesick and Overwhelmed: You came back to a painful situation out of love, and that speaks very well of you. But love for your mother doesn’t require sacrificing your peace, your finances or your home indefinitely.

Your responsibility was always meant to be her well-being, not refereeing your sisters’ arguments, caregiving for your stepfather or carrying the entire family’s burdens. If your mother needs care, help arrange a sustainable plan — shared responsibilities among family who live nearby or outside help from health services — before you leave.

Then speak honestly and kindly. Tell your mother that you love her and that returning when she was ill was the right thing to do, but you and your husband need to go back to the life you built. Reassure her that leaving doesn’t mean abandoning her.

You did the loving thing by coming when she needed you. Now it’s OK to do the healthy thing and go home.

Dear Annie: My husband and I are the parents of an 18-year-old son who is a kind, thoughtful and deeply romantic young man. He has been dating the same girl since junior year of high school, and like many first loves, theirs feels very big, very serious and, to them, very certain.

The problem is this: We recently discovered that our son is planning to propose to his girlfriend this summer, just before they both leave for college. Yes, propose. He has apparently been saving money for a ring, talking to a few close friends about how he wants to do it and imagining some grand declaration of forever before either of them has even stepped foot on a college campus.

His girlfriend is a lovely girl, and we care for her very much. This is not about disliking her. It is about feeling that 18 is simply too young to make such a life-altering promise. Neither of them has lived independently, managed adult responsibilities or had the chance to grow into who they will become. We worry that what feels romantic now may become a burden later.

At the same time, we do not want to mock his feelings or push him away by acting dismissive. Young love may be inexperienced, but it is still real to the people living it.

How do we talk to our son about slowing down without insulting his heart or making him dig in his heels? — Not Ready For Wedding Bells

Dear Not Ready: Your son is in love, not on trial, so start there. Tell him you respect his feelings, but marriage is not a race and love does not expire at the campus gates.

At 18, a promise ring is plenty. An engagement before college is like buying the nursery before the first date. Encourage him to let the relationship grow through real life, distance and time. If it is meant to last, waiting will not hurt it. If waiting does hurt it, that tells him something important.

Dear Annie: I am one of six siblings, and none of us lived closer than four hours from our mother as she grew older. That distance made everything harder. We did our best to keep an eye on her and noticed small changes whenever we visited. Over time, she began limiting how far she would drive, but she was still active, involved at her local senior center and surrounded by a wonderful support system of friends who checked on her and brought her food.

Some of my siblings worried we should insist that she move closer to one of us or into assisted living. But to me, it never seemed fair to pull her away from the community she knew and the independence she valued. She always said she would consider assisted living “when it was necessary,” but she also made it clear that she understood the risks of staying in her home and was willing to accept them in order to keep living life on her own terms.

She remained in her home until she passed away at 91 and stayed active until just the last weeks of her life. Looking back, I still wonder whether we did the right thing.

How do adult children know when to step in for an aging parent, and when to respect that parent’s wish to keep living independently, even when it comes with real risks? — Trying To Do Right

Dear Trying To Do Right: It sounds like your mother gave herself one of life’s greatest gifts: the dignity of living on her own terms. And you gave her the grace to do it.

Safety matters, of course, but so does freedom. Your mother was not abandoned. She was supported, loved and allowed to remain part of the life and community she cherished. That is no small thing.

You did not fail her. You honored her. And for that, your whole family deserves congratulations.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.