ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I’ve lived in my home for eight years, and it’s always felt like a peaceful place to land. My husband and I have put a lot of care into it, not because we’re perfect but because we enjoy sitting outside and making our yard feel welcoming. We planted a few shrubs, we keep the grass trimmed, and I love tending to my small flower bed in the spring.

A few months ago, new neighbors moved in next door, and their yard has become a constant source of stress for me.

I’m not talking about “a busy season” or “they missed a weekend.” Their yard is completely unkempt. The grass is knee-high. Weeds have taken over. There are piles of branches and leaves along the fence that never get bagged. Near the side of their garage sits a growing collection of broken outdoor items, including an old lawn chair and a couple of plastic bins that look like they’ve been there since move-in day.

The part I can’t stop thinking about is the impact on the rest of us. Last week, I was watering my plants when I saw a rat (or a very bold mouse) dart out of their tall grass and disappear under my hedge. I actually froze. We have a dog, Pippa, and she’s always sniffing along that fence line. I’ve started worrying about ticks, pests and who-knows-what hiding in the weeds once warmer weather hits.

Here’s what makes this hard: The neighbors seem fine as people. The wife, “Marie,” has waved and introduced herself. Her husband, “Charlie,” keeps to himself but has nodded hello. They aren’t loud, rude or hostile. They just don’t seem to care about the yard at all. I don’t know if they’re overwhelmed, dealing with health issues or simply have different standards.

A friend came over for coffee recently, looked out the window and said, “Oh … wow.” I laughed it off, but I felt embarrassed and irritated, like I’m the one failing some neighborhood standard.

I don’t want to start a feud. I don’t want to call the town and be “that neighbor.” But I also don’t think it’s fair that we’re the ones worrying about critters and staring at a mess every day.

Is there a respectful way to bring this up without sounding judgmental? Or do I need to accept that I can’t control what happens on someone else’s property? — Next Door and Nervous

Dear Next Door: You can’t control their yard, but you can control your boundaries and your sanity.

Speak with Marie kindly and directly. Tell her your concern about pests and ticks with the tall grass along your shared fence, and ask her if she would mind trimming that section back. Keep your concerns specific. Avoid giving her a general speech about standards. Sometimes people truly don’t realize how far something has gone.

If nothing changes, check your town’s nuisance or overgrowth rules and report it without drama. That isn’t being “that neighbor.” That’s using the grown-up version of a referee when someone won’t stop hogging the ball.

And in the meantime, create your own visual fence — a row of shrubs, a privacy screen or taller plantings. If they insist on living like they’re on a nature preserve, you’re allowed to put up a tasteful border.

Dear Annie: I moved 600 miles away from my hometown 40 years ago, but keeping up a relationship with my parents (who’ve since passed) and my four siblings was always important to me. Family was paramount to my mother, and she instilled that same value in me.

I traveled back home countless times, eventually with my husband and two children, for each of my siblings’ and their children’s and grandchildren’s weddings, milestone birthdays, holiday celebrations, etc. When my sister moved to another state, I visited her several times. For my 40th birthday, I flew to my hometown and hosted them all at a nice restaurant. For my 60th birthday, I hosted my siblings at an expensive vacation home in Kauai.

My son is getting married this month and has chosen to have a destination wedding, also in Hawaii. My sister can’t attend because her husband is sick, which is understandable. One brother let me know he couldn’t attend because he had a trip planned near the date, though he didn’t say where to. Another brother said he might attend, but when the date was announced, he said he couldn’t make it because of hunting season.

I was shocked and saddened when, via social media, I found out that both brothers and their families were in Hawaii together just a month before the wedding. I had spoken by phone with both of them just before this, and they hadn’t said a word about it.

I started to take stock and realized my siblings have only visited me when they were on their way to some other destination and my home was a convenient stop along the way, or when my husband was giving one of them a boat or a car. Only one attended my wedding; none attended my daughter’s. Now I feel like a fool for clinging to a false sense of family.

I’m done with reaching out or following them on social media. I have my own sweet family here around me. At this point, I don’t care if I ever see my siblings again in this lifetime. And I suspect I never will if I’m not the one making the effort.

Am I being too harsh? Have I been a fool all these years? — Letting Go on the West Coast

Dear Letting Go: You weren’t a fool. You were loyal and invested in what mattered to you. Most people would consider themselves lucky to have a family member like that.

Discovering your brothers went to Hawaii but couldn’t manage your son’s wedding — or at least couldn’t be honest about why — is the kind of revelation that truly stings.

You’re not harsh for recognizing the imbalance. Relationships require mutual effort, and it’s exhausting to be the only one extending it. If stepping back brings you peace, do so without guilt.

You’ve built a loving life where you are. Invest in the people who show up and stop chasing those who don’t.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.