ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I’ve been married nearly 40 years. My wife’s father has passed, and her 81-year-old mother still lives on the family farm. My wife is on a loan her mother took out to buy part of that farm, and she handles everything for my mother-in-law. One of her brothers lives in the farmhouse and is a slob. He won’t take off work to take their mother to appointments, so my wife does that, too.

Now she wants to build a house on the farm next to her brother. In October 2024, she survived a “widowmaker” heart attack and had a stent placed. Her brother had a valve replaced in his heart in 2018 but is healthy now. I’m almost 62, disabled due to heart issues and a stroke, and I have COPD. If we move to the farm, I worry I’ll be responsible for maintaining three acres of land (mowing, burning the fields, etc.) and cleaning up after her brother. I’d also have no legal right to stay if she dies first, and we would have to sell our current home, which is in both our names.

I don’t want her family’s property or money. I admit I wasn’t a good husband for the first 29 years of our marriage, but I’ve changed for the better. Still, it feels like I can’t do enough. Every day, I think more and more about divorce, and letting her have everything except my dog and clothes. I have no desire to date or marry again; I just want peace and quiet in the years I have left. Our children are grown, almost 36 and 39, and we have no grandchildren.

I have zero clue what to do, and I’m tired of trying any more. — Plowing Toward Divorce

Dear Plowing Toward Divorce: You don’t sound like a man who truly wants a divorce. You sound like someone who wants security and peace of mind before uprooting his life for a move that leaves him vulnerable in more ways than one.

Your wife isn’t wrong for wanting to be closer to her aging mother. But any plan that reshapes your life together must take both partners into equal consideration.

Before you talk about divorce, talk about logistics. Meet with an attorney together and understand exactly what your rights would be. Discuss maintenance, finances, your health situations and what happens if one of you dies first. You might be surprised how clarity can quiet a lot of your fears.

Dear Annie: I’m in my 80s and the patriarch of the family. I have many relatives within a 40-mile radius. Over Thanksgiving, I didn’t receive one invite or inquiry from anyone. I’m a widower and live alone. This is an ongoing problem. I could be a skeleton before any family member found me.

I’ve been very generous to my family, although I’ve stopped being “the bank” because my family owes me over $10,000. I’ve stopped asking for it. I’ve given away cars as well as money. I recently bought presents for all my great-great-relatives and never received a thank you.

Is there something wrong with me, or is this now the norm? — Generous and Gutted

Dear Generous and Gutted: There’s nothing wrong with you. What you’re describing is neglect, plain and simple, and it hurts.

You’ve given generously, but generosity doesn’t obligate others to show up. Sometimes people grow so used to receiving that they forget how to give.

Try widening your circle. A senior center, church group or volunteer work can offer real companionship. Family matters, but it isn’t the only place belonging is found. You deserve to be valued for your presence, not your presents.

Dear Annie: Five years ago, I lost my father to heart problems. Three months ago, I lost my mother after a terrible fall. I am 66, and I was her caregiver. I took early retirement at 62 so I could be there for her, and I do not regret it. But now that she is gone, I feel like the role I built my life around disappeared overnight, and I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing with all this quiet.

People have been kind, and I know they mean well, but I keep getting caught off guard when someone casually asks, “How’s your mom doing?” or “What happened?” I will be standing in the grocery store aisle, trying to act normal, and suddenly I am swallowing a lump in my throat and forcing a smile. I do not want to make other people uncomfortable, but I also do not want to pretend I am fine when I am not.

I live alone. I am the only family member left. The one steady comfort has been my dog. Every week or so, I take him with me to the cemetery. I sit there, let the tears come, and hug him like he is the only one who understands. Sometimes I even tell him, out loud, that none of this is his fault, because he seems sad, too, and I swear he is grieving in his own way.

Where I live, there are no grief classes or support groups that I can find. I am trying to figure out what is normal and what is a sign I need more help. Should I be looking for a book that can guide me through this, or is it time to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist? And if pets grieve, too, is there anything I should be doing differently for him, besides holding him close? — Missing Them Both

Dear Missing Them Both: I’m so sorry. You didn’t just lose your parents; you lost the role that gave your days structure and meaning. After years of caregiving, the quiet can feel like a shock to the system. That’s not weakness. That’s love with nowhere obvious to go.

When people ask, “How’s your mom?” they’re usually trying to connect, not pry, but it still stings. You don’t owe anyone a play-by-play. Keep a simple sentence ready: “She passed a few months ago. I’m taking it day by day.” Or, “It’s still fresh, and I’d rather not get into details.” Then shift the conversation. That’s not being cold. That’s having boundaries.

The cemetery visits with your dog are actually a healthy kind of ritual. If it’s where you can let the tears come, let them come. And yes, pets can grieve, and they also pick up on our grief. The best support for your dog is steady routine, movement and affection. Keep the walks, keep the hugs, and keep talking to him. You’re doing more right than you think.

As for whether to read a book or see a psychiatrist, I’d start with a therapist or grief counselor, even if it’s online since your area doesn’t offer groups. A psychiatrist is most useful if you’re sliding into deep depression, panic or sleeplessness that won’t ease. Either way, getting help isn’t “too much.” It’s sensible.

You spent years taking care of someone else. Now it’s your turn to be cared for, too.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.