ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I’m wrapping up a HORRIBLE, out-of-the-blue abandonment divorce from my soon-to-be ex-husband.

In 2023, I came home from teaching kindergarten to find out my ex took the majority of our furniture and moved out of state. He blocked me and erased me as if I didn’t exist. It took several months to locate him with a private detective. I’ve had to borrow money from my family in order to get him to pay me alimony. He makes three times more than I do and fought me on this.

I wish he cheated on me because being abandoned is worse. My children both graduated from college when all this happened and moved out of state; my daughter lives across the country. Holidays are awful, and I’m tired of being alone, finding myself missing a narcissist I used to love. I have zero family in the state I live in, and I still work.

Two and a half years later and I’m still like a zombie. I’ve tried talking to a therapist, but it didn’t work for me. Sometimes it feels like, what’s the point? — Almost Divorced

Dear Almost Divorced: The end of a marriage is hard enough, but one that catches you by surprise and strikes swiftly is especially hard to recover from. Your ex didn’t just leave; he vanished without answers, explanation or closure.

You probably don’t actually miss the narcissist you used to call your husband. You miss the safety, routine and security you lost overnight. Healing from that kind of shock takes time, often more than a couple of years, and it’s rarely linear.

Going it alone is what’s keeping you stuck. If one therapist wasn’t the right fit, that doesn’t mean another won’t be. A different counselor, a support group or even one weekly commitment that gets you out of the house can help you move in the right direction.

Despite everything you’ve been through, you still have a life that matters, children who matter and work that matters. The voice telling you it’s pointless is just your pain talking, not reality. Don’t let it get the final word.

Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to “Friendly Neighbor in Lincoln, NE,” who wondered why their greetings on daily walks are seldom returned by those they pass.

When I was growing up, my mother used to say hello to everyone. At the store or walking down the sidewalk, she would smile and greet just about every person we passed in our small town, sometimes stopping for short conversations. It drove me nuts. I was too shy to even look at strangers.

When I finally asked her why she did this, she explained it in a way I’ve never forgotten. She said that if you look someone in the eye and smile, chances are they’ll automatically smile back. Now you’re both smiling — easy as that. Saying hello helps, too. She even suggested making it a game: If I smiled and said hello and they did the same, we both won. If they didn’t, at least I still won.

We started playing that game together, and it changed me. I became more self-confident and outgoing. I wasn’t afraid to talk to people anymore. I’m now in my 60s and raised my kids to play the game, too. They’re both grown now, and I’m so proud when I see them look people in the eye, smile and say hello. They’re winning! — Fellow Friendly Neighbor

Dear Fellow Friendly Neighbor: Thank you for your letter. I love this! Your mother was right: Kindness doesn’t have to be matched to matter. That alone is its own reward.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and our intimate life has always been great. Lately, though, over the past couple of months, he’s become interested in role-playing. He loves to play the husband with a mistress, saying things like, “Don’t let my wife catch us,” or “I hope your husband doesn’t come home and find us.”

I’m wondering if it means something more and if I should be concerned. Should I be worried that he might actually have a mistress? — Freaked Out by Fantasy

Dear Freaked Out: Fantasies are often a way to explore desire without any real-life intention behind them. Pretending to cross a line doesn’t necessarily mean your husband actually wants to cross a line.

That said, your feelings matter. Fantasies should bring couples closer, not leave one partner feeling unsafe or unsettled. It’s worth a calm conversation outside the bedroom. Tell him how it’s made you feel and ask what appeals to him about it.

What matters is his response. If he listens and respects your boundaries, that’s reassuring. If he brushes off your feelings or keeps pushing, that’s a red flag to pay attention to.

Dear Annie: My daughter met a man who lived out of state, and they had a long-distance relationship for about two and a half years. They visited each other several times a year, and we all came to really like him. We were happy to see her be with someone who treated her so well.

This past May, they asked if he could move in with us. My husband and I talked about it and decided to give it a shot. This man moved in with us in June with the understanding that he needed to get a full-time job. After eight weeks doing absolutely nothing but sitting on his phone, my husband helped him secure a full-time job.

We still like him, and he’s still a very nice person, but now that we’re living together, we’re seeing a different side of him. He goes to work, but when he comes home, he does nothing. He’s constantly on his phone and waits for my daughter to fix his plate. She does all their laundry and even lays out his work clothes for him the night before.

Our other children are growing frustrated and tend to stay in their rooms to avoid the situation. He will sometimes ask if we need help after the fact, but while we’re busy, he just sits and watches. He doesn’t have a lot of common sense and seems to have lived a very sheltered life compared to how we raised our kids.

When we try to talk with both him and our daughter, it usually ends in tears or our daughter getting upset and walking away. Remember, they’re both 21. How do we handle this? — Mama on Alert

Dear Mama: What you’re seeing is a disappointing pattern, and you have every reason to be concerned. You opened your home in good faith, and it’s reasonable to expect some effort in return. As you’ve learned, how you address this matters, and it’s possible to be firm without damaging the bond you’re trying to protect.

Set clear, nonnegotiable house rules and stick to them. In your home, adults are expected to contribute, consistently and without being prompted. That isn’t mean or pointed; it’s basic respect. If your expectations aren’t met, be prepared to set a timeline for him to move out. Clarity now will save resentment later.

As for your daughter, keep the door open and model what a balanced partnership looks like. She may not hear you yet, but she’s watching. Let what she sees be that healthy relationships work best when both people show up and stay engaged.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.