ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: If you are invited to a wedding shower, should you always be invited to the wedding?

I was invited to a good friend’s shower for her daughter. I gave a generous gift. No wedding invitation ever came.

I’ve now found myself questioning this friendship in silence. No mention was ever made by either of us regarding what I consider a tacky insult.

What are your thoughts? — Questioning

Dear Questioning: My thoughts are with you. On the surface, it sure seems tacky, and it is certainly understandable that your feelings are hurt. That being said, maybe she just had a very small family wedding. Maybe it was the shower that was her big celebration. But until you find out the reason, you will remain hurt and angry. Communication with your friend will help clarify a great deal.

Dear Annie: My grandson, “Billie” is 5 years old and still not potty trained. We have tried everything to get him to use the toilet — rewards, bribes, “gentle threats,” etc. We suspect he has encopresis — the repeated, involuntary passing of stool into the clothing. This can happen when impacted stool collects in the colon and rectum, while the more liquid stool involuntarily leaks out around the impacted stool.

In our grandson’s case, he has to wear a Pull-Up so that he doesn’t soil his clothing with the liquid stool. He rarely has a regular bowel movement. And because he’s wearing a Pull-Up, he also rarely pees in the toilet. We give him fiber gummies so that he’s not constipated and try to encourage him to eat good food and drink plenty of water. But he’s a 5-year-old boy, and he isn’t too interested in what’s good for him.

Of course, the other kids tease him about this. He knows he should be using the toilet and is ashamed of himself. He says the problem is him, that there is something wrong with him. And of course, the more we try to help him, the more pressure is put on him.

Is there anyone out there who has faced this problem and can give me some advice? It breaks our hearts to see him so ashamed. He’s a very sweet kid, and no child should feel bad about themselves. — Pooped Out and Sad in the South

Dear Pooped Out and Sad in the South: Before you suspect that your grandson has encopresis, I would seek the help of his pediatrician and get a firm diagnosis. The sooner you all seek the help of a trained professional pediatrician, the sooner you can get Billie treatment. You are correct that sometimes it’s not the behavior itself but the social pressure or self-consciousness that your grandson feels different from his peers. If he does seem really embarrassed about it, while it is probably purely physical, there is a slight possibility that it is psychological. If that is the case, then it is important to find a good family therapist to get to the root of what is going on in Billie’s life that might be causing him stress.

Dear Annie: I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. I’ve been through surgery and radiation treatments. According to the oncologists, I should now consider myself a “survivor.” Since I have scars, I’m taking medication for the next 10 years that has potentially really bad side effects, and the chance of reoccurrence is a definite possibility, I don’t feel like a “survivor.”

I readily admit that I’m depressed. I maintain that this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to something bad that has upended and changed my whole life for the foreseeable future. I’m not suicidal, and although some mornings are hard, I get up every day, shower, brush my hair and teeth and maintain my usual schedule.

The worst thing to me about cancer is that I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve gone from an actual person with thoughts and interests to people only wanting to know about the cancer. It’s all anyone asks about. That being the case, I tried to talk to people about how I feel, but the word “depressed” freaks people out more than “cancer.” Now I just say I’m fine or OK to make others feel comfortable, which applies to my doctors as well.

I don’t need medication, and I tried online and in-person group discussions a few times, and they aren’t for me. I’ve noticed the same thing with people who lose a loved one or have something else bad happen — they aren’t allowed to be depressed.

When did it become shameful and something that needs to be fixed when people have a true human emotion to events? Sad things should understandably make us sad — and maybe depressed? Please note, I’m not talking about people with real diagnosed clinical depression or other mental issues. — Sad “Survivor”

Dear Sad “Survivor”: The word “survivor” may sound triumphant, yes, but it doesn’t cancel out the fear, pain and lifelong change you’ve endured to get here.

It is a victory to be where you are today, and there’s nothing troubling about feeling conflicted. What is troubling is feeling you have to hide it — especially from your doctors, who need the full picture, whether it’s pretty or not. You’re allowed to say, “I’m getting through it, but it’s still hard,” and you deserve people in your corner who can hear that without panicking or minimizing it, no matter how uncomfortable it may make them.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes and ask honestly for the support you need. A survivor isn’t someone who feels strong all the time; it’s someone who keeps going despite hardship. By that measure, you absolutely are one.

Dear Annie: After 15 years, my wife says she is filing for divorce. I’m disabled and don’t drive. I work part time and receive disability money. My wife has always helped me get to and from work because I don’t drive myself, and she also handles our bills.

I still love her, and I need to know why she has become so bitter toward me. And why did she wait till now, after I sank so much money into this life we’ve been building? What changed? — Stunned Spouse

Dear Stunned Spouse: I’m so sorry. The end of a marriage is always sad, but when you don’t see it coming, it can feel especially blindsiding.

Perhaps the question isn’t what suddenly changed but what has built up over a long time. From what you describe, your wife has carried a lot of the day-to-day — transportation, paying bills, keeping everything afloat — which can wear a person down. That doesn’t mean this is your fault, but it might explain some of the “bitterness” you’ve picked up on.

If she’s willing, ask for an honest conversation. You might not be able to change her mind or salvage the relationship, but getting some answers can help you at least make sense of its ending.

In the meantime, focus on building independence where you can — transportation alternatives, financial management, legal advice. It’s important to start planning how you’ll take care of and protect yourself going forward.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.