ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I see that you often answer questions pertaining to families trapped in addiction. I grew up in that special hell with all of the complex trauma issues that go along with that lifestyle.

I am a card-carrying member of Alcoholics Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I have found ACA the most helpful. You never mention it, so I thought I might bring it to your attention. The Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families goes beyond Al-Anon. Sometimes, these addictions were in the previous generation, and while our parents didn’t drink, all of the emotional nonsobriety was there. ACA teaches us to go back, reparent our inner child, learn what we didn’t receive as children, then reparent and provide that love and support to ourselves. Just a suggestion. May you research it and find it useful. — Alternative Around Alcoholism

Dear Alternative: A wonderful suggestion indeed — many thanks. You’re right that ACA reaches past Al-Anon to help those plagued with experiences of alcoholism but also general dysfunction in their childhood and home lives. Some chapters are still being developed, so if you’re interested, consult the web to see what options are available in your region.

Dear Annie: I have been with my fiance for 21 years, and we’ve been engaged for nine. We have three beautiful girls together, and he has two older kids from his previous marriage. He has always made me feel like second best. He always puts his ex’s feelings before mine and never takes what I say into consideration. I bring this up to him, and he says that I need to grow up. He tells me that my daughters and I should know our place as women.

He caters to his other two kids all the time and listens to them, but when it comes to our girls, he tells them to stop being sissies and to shut up. He tells his older kids to be there for their mom and help her out, and to my girls, he says I’m lazy and don’t care. I work 50-plus hours at the hospital and take our kids to sports while he expects to have a full-course meal on the table and for me to cater to all of his needs. He says he works hard and “doesn’t have time for this crap.” I no longer know what to do. He makes me feel unworthy, unappreciated and devalued as a human. I no longer want to be intimate with him because he makes me feel so bad about myself. I am in a verbally abusive relationship. What should I do? My girls are also being verbally disrespected. — Woman in Need of Relationship Advice

Dear Woman in Need: You aren’t a woman in need of relationship advice; you’re a woman in need of a new relationship. This man is a walking red flag, from his disrespect toward you and your daughters to his lack of contribution in your home life to his verbal abuse and, I can’t help but notice, his failure to solidify your relationship in marriage after two decades together and a ring already on your finger.

Sharing children with this man means you will always be tied to each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to be his wife-in-waiting or his keeper anymore. Put a stop to this mistreatment. Put yourself and your happiness first. Show your girls what a healthy, loving relationship looks like and what not to settle for. There’s someone else out there who is just waiting for the chance to love you.

Dear Annie: I got divorced after 27 years of marriage. I didn’t leave because I stopped loving my husband — I left because I was lonely inside my own home. We stopped talking, stopped laughing, stopped noticing each other. I spent years saying, “It’s fine” until one day I realized I didn’t want my life to be fine. I wanted it to be real.

My best friend, “Leah,” was my lifeline during that time. She took my calls on my longest nights. She sat with me on my porch with a bottle of cheap wine and let me cry until my face felt tight. She told me I wasn’t selfish, I was human. She promised me I wasn’t alone.

After the divorce, I started dating again — slowly, awkwardly, like learning to walk in new shoes. And then I met someone kind. He brings me coffee without asking. He remembers the names of my kids’ friends. He looks at me like I’m not broken.

Leah’s reaction has been … strange. At first, she was supportive, but now she makes little comments: “Must be nice to have someone.” Or “Don’t get too excited — you know how men are.” She’ll scroll through pictures of us and say, “He’s fine, I guess.” And when I told her he wanted to take me away for a weekend, she went quiet and said, “Well, some of us don’t get to run off.”

The part that hurts is that I’ve always been the one cheering her on. When she got promoted, I brought champagne. When her son struggled in school, I helped her find tutors. I’ve been loyal in a way I thought mattered.

Now, every time I share something happy, I feel myself bracing for the sting that follows. I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to shrink my life to keep her comfortable. How do you handle a friendship that feels like it’s punishing you for moving forward? — Finally Happy, Quietly Guilty

Dear Finally Happy, Quietly Guilty: You did not leave a lonely marriage just to minimize yourself once again.

Leah’s comments are not harmless. They are reeking with jealousy that she has dressed up as honesty. Call her behavior out once, kindly and clearly. Tell her you value her friendship, but the digs need to stop.

If she adjusts, great. If she doubles down, believe what you are seeing and stop handing her your good news like it is something for her to critique.

In the meantime, share the sweet updates with people who can simply say, “I’m happy for you,” and mean it.

A real friend claps when you win, no matter what. A real friend won’t say, “I’m happy for you, but…” Real friendship and support is unconditional.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.