ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I’m a senior citizen. Fifty years ago, another young girl and I were in a juvenile detention facility for very minor infractions that would not lead to incarceration today. I was repeatedly raped by two counselors throughout our months there. This other girl was not mistreated in any way because she was related to the spouse of one of the administrators. We’re not good friends but have stayed in touch over the years because of this shared experience.

She’s talked off and on about writing/publishing an autobiography, which I’ve encouraged. Recently, I met someone in her writing group. Her fellow writer shared with me what a traumatic life my friend had, mentioning the specifics of my sexual assaults, including details and thoughts which I shared and that she incorporated into “her” story. My friend’s autobiography relates my story as her own.

I was pretty upset to hear this. Not only is it my story and didn’t happen to her, but it wouldn’t have happened to her; she knew it couldn’t because she had a protected status.

I told my friend that I had become aware of this situation and she immediately became hysterical, insisting she was too upset to talk further, effectively shutting down any possibility of sorting it out. I don’t know how to proceed. It feels like a significant loss, to walk away from this relationship, and yet I’m shocked that she’s stealing my story and I’m stymied by her loud, tearful reaction to my attempt to talk about it.

Do you have any advice? — Stolen Story

Dear Stolen Story: What happened to you was real and it was yours. No one has the right to take that kind of trauma and claim it as their own. It’s seriously violating, and your shock and anger are completely understandable.

Right now, the biggest thing you can do for yourself is set a firm boundary and hold it. If your friend can’t handle a face-to-face conversation without shutting you down, put it in writing. Tell her plainly that these experiences are not hers to share or publish, and that you hope she respects your wishes and removes them from her work.

Losing this relationship would be painful, yes, and it’s natural to grieve that. But if walking away is what it takes to protect your peace, it’s the right choice. You survived something terrible once. You do not need to endure a second violation now.

Dear Annie: I never ever thought I’d be writing to an advice columnist, but here I am!

My partner moved out several months ago to “work on our relationship.” Since then, I haven’t seen them even though we are technically in the same city. Each time a plan is made, they cancel. Yet, they seem to have lots of time for others.

Christmas was a no-show. They were supposed to come for dinner, spend the night and go to a family gathering the next day. Nothing. No phone call, no text, nothing. I finally took their gifts out from under the tree as I don’t want to answer questions as to why they’re still there.

So, how exactly is this helping our relationship? They keep telling people we are still together. I think we’re finished, wouldn’t you say? — Looking for a Second Opinion

Dear Second Opinion: “How is this helping the relationship?” The honest answer is, it isn’t. A partner doesn’t “work on a relationship” by disappearing from it. Whatever they may be telling other people, what matters is what they are showing you. Love doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be present.

You deserve a relationship that doesn’t leave you guessing or quietly pulling gifts out from under the tree. You deserve to know where you stand without having to chase the truth. You never thought you’d be writing to me, but I’m glad you did. Sometimes putting the facts on paper is enough to confirm what your heart already knows.

Dear Readers: This time of year, my inbox fills with the same quiet sentence written a hundred different ways: “I’m tired of being the reasonable one.”

It comes from the woman hosting Sunday dinner who gets criticized no matter what she serves. The man who keeps lending money to a sibling who never pays it back. The adult child who answers every call from a parent, then spends the rest of the night feeling guilty, angry and sad all at once. And it comes from people who love deeply, try hard, forgive often and still find themselves shrinking to fit someone else’s comfort.

If that’s you, I want to tell you about something close to my heart: my new book, “Out of Bounds.”

I wrote it because boundaries are one of the most misunderstood — and most necessary — forms of love. We tend to think a boundary is a wall, or a slam of the door, or a dramatic speech that ends in a family feud. We worry it will make us look cold. We fear it will start a fight. We tell ourselves it’s not worth the trouble.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of listening to your letters: What’s (SET ITAL)not(END ITAL) worth it is the slow erosion of self-respect that happens when you keep saying yes while your whole body is begging for a no.

“Out of Bounds” is for the people who don’t want to cut anyone off — they just want to stop being walked on. It’s for the readers who love their families, value loyalty and know in their bones that something has to change. It’s for anyone who has ever wondered, “How do I stand up for myself without becoming someone I don’t recognize?”

Inside the book, we talk about the everyday moments where boundaries matter most: the backhanded jokes, the “small” comments that sting, the constant favors that aren’t returned, the relatives who treat your time like it’s theirs to spend. We talk about how guilt hooks you, how old family roles keep you stuck and why “keeping the peace” often means you’re the only one paying for it.

Most of all, we talk about what boundaries really are. They are not punishments. They are not revenge. They are the clearest form of honesty. A boundary simply says, “This is what I can do. This is what I can’t. This is what I will accept. This is what I won’t.”

And yes, it can be that plain.

You’ll find practical language in these pages — words you can borrow when your emotions are loud and your courage feels small. You’ll find reminders for the moments you’re tempted to backtrack (“Maybe I overreacted,” “Maybe I should just let it go”). You’ll find gentle, steady encouragement to stop negotiating yourself down.

Because here’s the truth I want every reader to carry: You can be kind and still be firm. You can forgive and still protect yourself. You can love someone and still insist on being treated with respect.

If you’ve been living out of bounds — overgiving, overexplaining, overextending — I hope this book feels like a hand on your shoulder and a light at the end of the hallway, not telling you to burn bridges but showing you how to stop lighting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

“Out of Bounds” is now available on Amazon. I hope it helps you all feel less alone.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.