ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: I have a friend, “Marcy,” whom I’ve known for about six years through a mutual group of acquaintances. She was very kind when my mother was alive, often coming over to help, and she has also helped with my kids. Over time we became friends. Marcy is single, on disability and doesn’t drive. I’m married and work full time, and I’ve always tried to be accommodating and to help when I can.

Recently, she has been pressing me to drive her to a specialty clinic out of state for a consultation she scheduled on her own. This isn’t a referral from her local doctor. To take her would mean three to four days off work for me and an eight-hour drive each way in the middle of winter.

A few months ago, she went to a similar clinic in another state, and it didn’t offer anything more helpful than her local treatment options. She even ended up hospitalized while she was there.

I’ve given her other transportation ideas, but she says none of them will work. I don’t want to be a bad friend or make her feel rejected, but I don’t believe this trip will help her — and I simply cannot take a week off work to do it. I also suspect part of this may be mental and/or self-inflicted.

Her medical problems have increased over the past year, especially after “Elaine,” the relative she lives with, began treatment for cancer. Over the last two years, Marcy has pushed away nearly everyone in our group except one or two people because they “don’t have enough time for her.” She nearly ended our friendship over something similar.

When Elaine and Marcy stayed with us for a while so Elaine could regain strength, I noticed a pattern: Whenever stress rose — Elaine needing treatments, plans with other people or someone else going through a hard time — Marcy would retreat to her room and soon afterward end up in the hospital. In the last six months, she’s been hospitalized more than Elaine has.

I don’t want to confront her harshly, especially since I’m one of the few people she has left, but I’m at a loss. Any advice would help. — Caring but Confused

Dear Caring but Confused: You’ve been more than a good friend to Marcy; you’ve been a lifeline. But even the most generous soul has limits, and it sounds like you’ve reached yours.

An eight-hour winter drive and several days off work for a nonreferral appointment is far beyond what any friend should be expected to provide. You’ve offered alternatives, and she’s rejected them.

The pattern you’ve noticed — health crises rising with stress — suggests Marcy may need more support than friends can provide. Nudge her gently toward talking with a doctor or counselor about what’s been happening. If she reacts badly, remember that a friend who requires you to sacrifice your job and peace of mind is asking too much.

You’ve carried her as far as you reasonably can. Now give her the chance — and the responsibility — to reach for the kind of help that can truly support her.

Dear Annie: In 1996, I met a man while traveling. At the time, I was a single mom of three in a new city and state away from family. I was struggling with finances, child care and transportation. My family and I weren’t close and had many disagreements, so I moved far away. When I arrived at my destination, this man got off with me and did not continue his journey.

Within three weeks, we were married. Shortly after that, we had full custody of his young son. We were married for 17 years. During those years, my husband did everything but beat me. He had countless affairs, didn’t always contribute financially and took no responsibility for the home or the kids. I was the main breadwinner and took on all that was required of the home and children. The last affair he had was with a woman who I considered, as well as her husband, to be a friend. One day, she called me and said she was pregnant with his child. She divorced her husband and pursued mine with a force. He decided to part ways with me, my children and his family. He bought them a house and married her. A year later, he called and told me the baby wasn’t his but that he was staying because he had cut ties with everyone and the child was all he had.

Fast-forward the clock eight years and now he is divorcing her because she didn’t contribute in any way to the household and she was having affairs. Now he wants me back. At the end of our marriage, I became ill and went on disability. With the increase in everything, I need financial help. Even in our marriage, he was never my physical, emotional or spiritual type. None of that has changed. But being over 50 and on disability with medical issues is not at the top of anyone’s desires for a partner. I just don’t know what to do. I can go back to him and settle for good insurance and financial help, or I can be alone. Also, I still live far away from my family. My children live a few hours away, and I am very alone. What is your advice? — Mulling Over My Lost Marriage

Dear Mulling: Rekindling a relationship with your ex-husband would serve a means to several ends — but is that really a good reason to do so? Remember, this is the same man who broke your trust, was unfaithful to you and left you to single-handedly build and maintain a home and life for your children. Just short of physically hurting you, he has wreaked havoc on your mental health and personal peace in every possible way.

What might seem like a tempting choice now will only turn out to be disastrous in the long run. You already know the ending to this story. I promise that being single and on your own is the less isolating and lonely choice compared to settling for a person who has proved time and again they aren’t anywhere close to being worthy of you.

Dear Annie: The holiday season is in full swing, and with it comes time for something I dread: GROUP TEXTS!

I realize we are in a convenience society, but if you are really serious about wishing ME a happy/merry whatever, please take just a few seconds to send something personal to me instead of grouping everyone together. Inevitably, you get the group text followed by 20-plus annoying dings from people you don’t even know saying the same thing back to the person who sent the group text. Am I the only one who feels this way, or am I being a bah humbug? — Don’t Group Me

Dear Don’t Group Me: With the exception of family or close friend group chats, you’re right that these sort of mass messages lessen the thoughtfulness and cheer of a holiday greeting text. At the very least, the person starting the text could copy and paste the same message to each of their friends individually. If it really bothers you, you can always remove yourself from the text group and message the sender privately to discuss the holidays one-on-one.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.