ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My daughter, 31, left home at 19 to attend university. Within weeks, she began dating a boy she’d met through the school’s Facebook group. Coming from our cultural background, we weren’t comfortable with relationships outside marriage, but after two years, she moved in with him, mostly on her terms. They lived together for six years, bought a house, got a dog, eventually married and, two and a half years later, had my precious granddaughter.

My daughter has always dominated her marriage. Everything has to be on her terms. She’s intelligent, determined and successful, but also bossy, pushy and demanding. Outwardly she can be sweet, but behind closed doors she often belittled her husband, and his laid-back nature just let her have her way.

About a year and a half ago, while I was babysitting, my daughter suddenly announced she no longer loved her husband and wanted to separate. I was shocked, but she bulldozed through the conversation and didn’t let me say a word. Deep down, I was sure another man was involved. Within six months, the house was sold, assets divided and custody arranged, with little thought to the impact on their young daughter. My daughter was also left with the dog, which my son-in-law wanted no part of anymore.

It’s been nearly a year since the split. My daughter appears to have a new partner, though she won’t confirm it, only dropping hints to “familiarize” us with this new relationship, while her not-yet-ex-husband has turned to online dating. My granddaughter now splits time between them.

At her father’s house, she still sees her other grandparents weekly. But with us, my daughter controls every visit and barely lets us into her life. We went from caring for our granddaughter regularly to limited contact with her and only when my daughter is present. She uses her daughter as leverage, essentially saying to us, “Accept my choices or lose contact.”

Being around her feels like walking on eggshells. If I disagree, I’m met with silence, manipulation or explosive behavior. I cry every night, heartbroken over what feels like losing a limb. I feel for my son-in-law, who I believe was wronged, and I ache for my granddaughter, torn between two homes and two very different upbringings. Most of all, I am at a loss for how to move forward.

Deep down, my instincts tell me this new relationship won’t last, but I don’t know how to stand by my values and still hold on to my only grandchild. How can I stay in her life without surrendering completely to my daughter’s demands? — Heartbroken Grandmother

Dear Heartbroken Grandmother: You’ve been handed a difficult situation and one that’s not yours to fix. Your daughter is making choices you don’t agree with, but she’s an adult and, unfortunately, fighting her will only jeopardize the time you have with your granddaughter.

You don’t have to endorse your daughter’s decisions; you just have to stop giving her reasons to shut you out. Keep your focus simple and on what matters most. Your granddaughter needs stable, consistent and loving adults in her corner, and you can be just that, even if not as often as you’d like.

Hold your values quietly and let time do some of the heavy lifting. Calm consistency has a way of opening doors that force never will.

Dear Annie: My husband and I love each other very much, but we have grown apart for a while now. I’ve done my best to be a good and loving wife, yet it seems to be hard for him to give me physical affection. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to be without me, yet we physically seem to be 1,000 miles away.

I try to be affectionate, but it seems like it’s “whatever” for him. I don’t feel connected to him and feel like we’re more just friends and partners. Over time, I have given up and don’t bother with being affectionate anymore. We have a young child together, and I don’t want to divorce. I’ve told him how I feel 100 times over the years, and he says that he’ll try in the future. But he never is able to give me what I need.

He also asked why I can’t just accept him for him. I feel like that’s very selfish because I try to cater to his needs, but he wants me to just deal without something that is very important to me. I feel hurt and depressed about it. I told him that if that’s the case, we should focus on our child and that he should not expect anything emotional or physical from me. We agreed to be friends and partners, but he says he doesn’t want that. He wants us to grow close and for me to be his wife. He wants to be able to be sexual with me, too.

I’m angry because it’s been the same song and dance for a long time with him saying this or acting like he’s going to be different. I end up getting disappointed, and on top of that, I feel like it’s disrespectful to be able to have sex with me without being affectionate. I understand people have their love language, but if his lack of affection and connection makes me deeply sad, along with us acting like we’re friends instead of husband and wife, then why can’t he suck it up and do what will make me happy with this one thing? I don’t find it unreasonable for someone to act like they love me instead of only saying it and then telling me they can’t live without me when I’m fed up. — Hopeless

Dear Hopeless: Be hopeful. People do change, especially when you both love each other but seem to be having different ways of expressing it. Perhaps you should both read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman so that you each get a better understanding of how your partner shows love and how they need to receive love. He seems to say that he wants to work on your marriage, so express to him that actions speak louder than words. That if his actions don’t change, it is just empty promises. But your actions have to change as well. You have to let go of the anger and frustration from the past and move forward. If you cannot do that, then it might be time to seek the help of a professional marriage counselor.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.