ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: Hoping you can offer some advice! My son has been married for six years to a beautiful girl who rarely speaks to us and acts as though we don’t exist. Her distance has gotten much worse over time, and we have no idea why. We love her and are just as kind to her as we are to our other kids and their wives. My husband and I are so sad. This has broken our hearts.

We haven’t said anything because we don’t want to upset our son, but lately even he appears unhappy with her attitude toward us. When we’ve referred to her as our daughter — as we do our other daughter-in-law, who loves the title — she’ll say, “No, thank you. I already have a mom and dad.” We’ve always felt as parents ourselves that you can NEVER have too many people to love your child, so we were quite hurt by that.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. She’s so cold and distant toward us that even our friends and family have noticed and commented. We are good people, we stay out of our kids’ business and we keep our opinions to ourselves. Our motto is, “If you want our thoughts, you’ll have to ask for them.” We don’t meddle or cause waves ever, yet she continues to find ways to fault us for things. It’s completely unsubstantiated, but it persists!

It’s to the point I have so much anxiety that I’ve considered seeking out a therapist. This DIL is so unapproachable, so to avoid conflict, we just sweep EVERYTHING under the rug to avoid causing our sweet son any grief.

Please let us know if you have any advice. Our hearts are broken! — Boy Momma

Dear Boy Momma: You sound like a warm, openhearted woman, which makes this kind of tension with your daughter-in-law especially painful. Her definition of “family” seems different from yours, and no matter how welcoming you and your husband are, nothing will change if she isn’t willing to bend.

Keep being kind, but stop chasing her approval. Be pleasant when you see her and keep things light, but focus on the relationship you have with your son. You said he’s started noticing her behavior, too; let him take charge on how to handle it. It’s his marriage and ultimately his to manage.

And yes, talking to a therapist is a great idea. At the very least, it’ll give you a safe place to unload your pain and maybe even give you some tools to cope with her coldness.

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to my husband, “Gabe,” for over 30 years. He’s never been a very good partner. We have two daughters who I’ve given my life to while he contributed very little to raising them.

Our adult daughters treat me like garbage and put their dad on a pedestal. These girls are absolutely horrible to me, and I can’t take it anymore. Gabe never has my back with them. I never thought I would be in such a horrible marriage where he lets our kids speak to and treat me like a second-class citizen.

What are your thoughts? — Just Over It

Dear Just Over It: It’s no wonder you’re fed up. You’ve spent decades doing the heavy lifting, being both mom and dad to your girls, and getting very little in return.

The second-class treatment ends now. You can’t control your family’s behavior, but you can control their access to you. Set boundaries and stick to them. Don’t argue, don’t beg and don’t tolerate disrespect. Disengage. When they start in, end the conversation. When they need something, decide if it’s worth your energy.

If you can, talk to a counselor to help you work through the years of hurt and frustration. You’ve been last on the list for long enough. It’s time to move yourself to the top.

Dear Annie: My youngest just left for college, and the quiet in this house feels deafening. For more than 20 years, my whole world revolved around being a mom. My days were built around carpools, practices, grocery lists and late-night talks in the kitchen. Now the rooms are still, the laundry baskets are empty, and I find myself standing in the doorway of my kids’ rooms just to feel close to them.

Everyone tells me to enjoy it, to travel or pick up a new hobby, but I just feel sad. I miss the noise, the laughter, even the arguing over who finished the milk. I miss being needed. My husband seems to be adjusting fine, but I feel this ache that I cannot shake. It is pride and loneliness all tangled together.

I know this is supposed to be a normal part of life, but it feels anything but normal to me. How do I fill the space that motherhood used to take up? How do I move forward when so much of who I am feels left behind in those busy, beautiful years? — Missing the Mayhem

Dear Missing the Mayhem: I get it. When the kids leave, the quiet can feel overwhelming. For years, your whole life ran on their schedules, their noise, their needs. Then suddenly, it is just still. It takes time to get used to that.

But here is the good news: This is not the end of something. It is the start of something new. You finally get to think about you again. What did you love before the carpool lines and college applications took over? Painting? Reading? Hiking? Start there. Even little things help, like coffee with a friend, a weekend class, a new recipe or a day trip you plan just because you can.

Your kids will always need you, but in a different way now. They still want to know you are cheering for them, and they will love seeing you happy and busy, not sad and waiting by the phone.

Dear Annie: My son got married about eight months ago, and while I truly do love his new wife, I admit I’m scratching my head over a few things. Maybe it’s the times changing, or maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but it feels like I got a fourth child instead of a daughter-in-law.

When they come over for dinner, I do what I’ve always done: make a nice meal, fix everyone a plate and pass the rolls. I’ll serve my husband, my boys and even the dog if he looks hungry enough. But my new daughter-in-law? She piles food on her own plate, sits down and tells my son to get it himself. My jaw nearly hit the mashed potatoes. He works all day to provide for her, and the least she could do is hand him a pork chop! Instead, I find myself jumping up to fix his plate while she’s scrolling through her phone.

And the laundry, don’t even get me started. Because they don’t have a washer and dryer, she brings her clothes over, and somehow, I end up doing them. It’s like my son got married, and I gained another load of towels.

Should I speak up, or just keep folding her laundry and praying she buys a washing machine? — Lost For Words in Georgia

Dear Lost For Words: You sound like a loving mom who just wants the best for her son — and maybe a little appreciation for all that you do. I can see why this is bothering you. You raised your son to work hard and be respectful, so it’s natural to want his wife to show him the same care.

That said, times have changed a bit. Some couples split chores differently, and letting him fix his own plate might be their way of keeping things equal. Try not to take it as disrespect; it’s just a different rhythm.

But the laundry, that’s fair game. You’ve done your share over the years. It’s perfectly fine to set a kind boundary there. You should say something like, “Honey, I love helping when I can, but I can’t keep up with all this laundry anymore.”

No lectures or phone calls to her mom are needed. A little warmth, a little humor and a gentle reminder that you’ve already earned your break will go a long way.

Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.