ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My daughter will be 26 this year. Her father and I divorced when she was 14. I feel like she had more sense as a 12-year-old than she does now. She had her fair share of issues growing up, and I took her to therapists until she turned 18. Needless to say, we’ve had a rough relationship the last few years. It’s hard to talk to her as I know she’s still mad at herself for decisions she’s made as well as hurting from trauma she experienced growing up.

Early last year, she got pregnant by a guy she’s been dating but who we’ve never met. She had a miscarriage about nine or 10 weeks in. We haven’t cared to meet this guy because of how he made her feel during all this. Seeing her scared and crumbling was very hard as her mom. Still, she stayed with him and continued on with her life choices, including distancing herself from her family and loved ones, and running around in not-so-great areas with this guy and his family. Overall, she wasn’t being a nice person, either.

Speed up to present day, she got pregnant again with the same guy. By the way, we still have not met him. Her car has been repossessed not once, but twice, and she got it back both times. She still lives at home and is in no way ready to be a parent. She planned to keep the baby at first but has now decided to get an abortion. I didn’t like either situation, but I know it’s her choice.

I love my daughter very much and I tell her I’m here for her whenever she wants to talk. I cannot make her go to therapy, though she does need it. She’s not much on accepting and dealing with emotions. I know she has to make this decision on her own, whatever it may be. I’m hoping she will wake up and see how much she has to offer, not only to herself but to her future. I’m at my wits’ end, and I don’t know what else I can do. Any advice would be much appreciated! — Mom at Her Wits’ End

Dear Mom: One of the hardest realities of parenting is watching your child make choices you wouldn’t, while pushing you away in the process. Despite your daughter’s hardships, you’ve done the right thing — offering your support if and when she’s ready for it, while also giving her the space she needs to figure things out for herself. That balance isn’t easy.

You’re right that this is her decision, and she’ll have to navigate whatever comes next. But since she’s still living under your roof, you do have a say in what’s acceptable in your home. Setting expectations that protect her well-being and help keep her from sliding further off track could give her some much-needed structure.

You’re not powerless. Keep the door open. Remind her of her worth and how much you believe in her future, even if she can’t see it yet. And yes, absolutely continue to encourage therapy. A support group or therapist of your own could make a world of difference as you cope with loving your daughter from the sidelines of her life.

Dear Annie: I’m writing this concerning my family. I have five sons and one daughter who are all grown and have children.

My third son, “Jake,” has two adult daughters and an adult son. When Jake’s two daughters were kids, I went head over heels in buying things for them. The son wasn’t born yet. I bought nothing but the best for the girls, and now that they are in their mid-30s, I don’t hear a word from them. I bought them stuff from a very expensive boutique, yet I don’t even get a phone call on Mother’s Day or my birthday from them saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, Grandma” or, “Happy birthday, Grandma.”

And it’s not just this year; it’s every year. I never hear from them. But on the other hand, my daughter-in-law’s mother is deceased, and they go to her grave on Mother’s Day and any other holiday, posting on Facebook saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, Grandma.” But they can’t even pick up the phone and call their grandma who is still alive to say “happy Mother’s Day” or “happy birthday.”

When I look back, I realize that I also gave them lots of love and took them to church, and when they were kids, they stayed at my house most of the time. It’s not just monetary things. I feel so left out of my grandchildren’s lives. There is much more that I can say about this situation, but that’s all for now. — Brokenhearted in Ohio

Dear Brokenhearted: Assuming that there has not been a huge fight or reason that they are upset with you, my guess is that they got busy in their lives. It is petty to focus on the expensive gifts that you gave them as children and does not give you the best look. Instead of complaining about all you did for them and how they don’t appreciate you, switch the narrative in your head and focus on how much you love and miss them.

Then focus on ways you can connect with them. Reach out to your son and ask him what they would really be interested in doing with you. Give to them your time, love and attention, and my guess is that you will get it back tenfold. Try to let go of the jealousy you feel when they visit their deceased grandmother, and look at it as what beautiful grandchildren you have — that they honor their grandmother.

Once you let go of your bitterness about people not behaving exactly as you think they should, you will be surprised by how kind and wonderful they can be.

What we put in is what we get out. Make sure you call them on their birthdays and show them the unconditional love that you want from them and that they want from you. Don’t get hung up on everything they do wrong, and instead get hung up on everything they do right.

Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.