ANNIE LANE

Dear Annie: My husband and I finalized our divorce in April after nearly a year of separation. I’m at a loss as to what to do now when it comes to my ex’s birthday and Father’s Day. We share an 8-year-old son who is severely autistic, so when it comes to holidays and whatnot, everything is my doing with only a little assistance from our boy.

In the past, I always made sure to mark these occasions. But for context, I initiated the divorce because I felt like a married but single mom and couldn’t take it anymore, feeling like I had two “kids.”

On my recent birthday, my ex took our son on a weekend trip. I asked if they could stop and pick me up something at one of my favorite shops while they were out of town. Instead, I got something that clearly came from a gas station, likely on the way home. Last year, I got gray hand towels. For Mother’s Day, I received nothing except the card our son made at school.

If I say anything about my disappointment, I know I’ll just be told these gifts are what our son picked out, which is probably only half-true at best. After this past Mother’s Day, I did tell my ex that if he expected recognition from us on Father’s Day, it must go both ways. I got a meek apology from him, but I’m not hopeful of any real change.

I don’t want to do nothing for him, but I also don’t want to keep rewarding his behavior and keep feeling like the only one trying. Any advice on how I should handle these events now and in the future as we adjust to our new normal? — Tired of Doing It All

Dear Tired: It sounds like you’ve carried the bulk of the load for your family for a long time, so your resentment makes perfect sense. The fact that you still want to show your ex grace and respect, mostly for your son’s sake, speaks volumes about the kind of mother you are.

Now that he’s no longer your husband, you’re not obligated to keep showing up in the same ways you always have. When it comes to gifts like these, it really is the thought that counts. Helping your son pick out or make a card for his dad is more than enough and a heartfelt way to support your son’s relationship with his father without overextending yourself.

As for your ex, it’s time to adjust your expectations. He’s shown you repeatedly, both during your marriage and now in divorce, where his priorities lie — it’s largely what led you to leave him. From here on out, focus on what you can control. It’s a losing battle to dwell on what you hope he’ll eventually do or wish he’d done all along.

Dear Annie: I love your column and am writing to offer a different point of view for the woman whose family does not celebrate her birthday or Mother’s Day or Christmas the way she wants. She says she gives them presents, but they don’t reciprocate.

Well, I have a friend who goes overboard in celebrating these holidays. She will spend an entire year looking for the special gift. At times, it’s more like 50 gifts, and, of course, my friend feels let down at my ONE gift card.

Annie, I don’t have the time, energy, money and, most importantly, the desire to drive all over the state searching for the perfect gift. I think my friend and this dear woman should take a hint. Yes, people do give what they would want to receive. I would love one restaurant or Walmart or Target gift card and that’s it!

If a person doesn’t give you something, maybe they don’t want something. This woman should try it. They might wish her a happy birthday or Mother’s Day. They could give her a greeting card. But that should be enough. Just because this woman decorates and does all this other stuff doesn’t mean everyone else wants to do the same. I know I don’t.

I repeatedly tell my friend that we should stop with the gift giving. But she doesn’t get it, and year after year I can tell that she is disappointed.

I really don’t want other people to give me extra special gifts, because I don’t want to do this for them.

My suggestion is that my friend and the woman who wrote to you should save all this hoopla they spend on other people and throw their own party for themselves, because in reality, that is what they want. Thanks for listening to me. — Over the Top

Dear Over the Top: Why not just be comfortable with your gift and also be comfortable with your friend who seems to enjoy going above and beyond? Many people express their love through giving and doing, and clearly that describes your friend. Why judge her for it? Just be secure with your gift. The quality of time you spend with her is much more important than receiving or giving large quantities of things.

Dear Annie: My husband recently got promoted to CEO of the company he works for. At first, we were all so excited for him. In the last two months, he has seemed to become almost arrogant toward us. He just complains at the dinner table about how no one can do the job as good as him. Not really sure where this arrogance came from. What do I do to help him slow his roll? — Married to an Ego Man

Dear Married: One of my favorite quotes is: “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” Talk to him and point out how his arrogance will only hurt himself and others in the long run.

Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.