Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I have been married now for just over three decades to who I thought was the love of my life. For years, I have noticed that my husband regards his birth family to be No. 1 and our immediate family No. 2.

He was hooked on his beautiful and caring mom until she was tragically taken back home to rest with our Lord. Now it seems that his wonderful sister has become like his mom. He discusses EVERYTHING with her. As you can tell from my letter, I absolutely adore my in-laws, and I do not mind sharing the ups and downs of my birth family with them, but on my own time, not my husband’s. When I brought this up to him, he got very indignant. I thought that I had brought up the subject to him in a very caring way. No, it was horrible.

I have been very patient with him over the years through his addictions and ailments. I have stuck by his side. Now he’s been unemployed for over a year. Although he picks up all the slack at home, which is something I really appreciate, I can no longer sleep next to him in good conscience. I know that we could use a good therapist, but what I really want to know is if it’s time to throw in the towel. — Last to Know in Maryland

Dear Last to Know: After three decades together, feeling like a secondary priority in your husband’s life must be particularly painful and isolating.

Given your husband’s current unemployment and previous struggles, it’s possible that his leaning on his sister represents a search for stability or escape rather than a deliberate neglect of your relationship. However, he should still be making room for you in the same ways he does for his sister, and did for his mother before her.

Before deciding to throw in the towel, I would strongly recommend, as you mentioned, exploring therapy. If therapy is not an option or doesn’t lead to improvement, then it might be time to consider more serious changes. Whatever decision you make, be sure it is one that puts your emotional and mental well-being as top priorities. You deserve to feel valued and central in your marriage.

Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to “Protective of Pets,” the woman whose husband shows great disdain for her dogs but somewhat tolerates the animals their granddaughter brings around. She said her husband “allows her” to have only one pet inside. Allows her? This sounds like a marriage where she cooks, cleans and does the majority of the family’s emotional and social business. I am sure she is working more than 40 hours each week and the house is likely equally her domain, so she should decide the rules.

I deeply regret my early years of marriage when my husband declared, “I don’t want a dog in the house,” and my dog lived outside for two years. I am sure this shortened my pup’s life.

“Protective” needs to stand up and advocate for her pets as it is her home as well. She needs to fight the patriarchy in this situation and get what she needs emotionally on a daily basis, which sounds like her dog as a companion and not her husband. — Up With Pets, Down With Patriarchy

Dear Up With Pets: I agree it’s very likely that this woman’s husband is controlling in more ways than just this one, which can only be putting more of a strain on their marriage. Couples counseling, if possible, would be the best next step.

And as much as “Protective” loves her pets, the life they have been subjected to — living outside — is an unfair one. Many other readers suggested rehoming these dogs to families who can love and care for them in the way they deserve. I wholeheartedly echo them.

Dear Annie: I’m 72, and my husband is 80 years old. We have our own home, three acres, and we attend most of our grandkids’ plays, contests, games and practices.

Today’s parents go overboard when it comes to sports and extracurricular activities. They are unable to find time outside of school to be kids. Parents refuse to cook the family a nutritious meal because it’s easier to feed everyone unhealthy takeout.

We’ve made comments about how we are running everywhere with all the activities for our grandchildren, including running them to practices on days when they don’t have games, swim lessons, tennis, taking their dogs for walks, etc.

We finally drew a line. We cannot afford to stay in hotels to watch our granddaughter play softball in another state. She’s only 12! Clubs are addicting to parents, and they convince the kids they are joining.

How dare they say to us, “We’re millennials and that’s what we do. You’re retired, so what do you have to do?” Really! Well, we raised our children with a sense of balance. We ate a MEAL at the table at 6 p.m. — no takeout! We allowed only ONE sport and ONE in-school activity at a time. Weekends were for family — not traveling to a match. We took care of our family instead of gaslighting why we couldn’t. We offered to help them instead of them helping us. We had BALANCE in our lives.

Millennials — you can’t hold a candle to us. We’ve earned this time to relax, and guilting us is unacceptable and shows your lack of character. We were lucky to make it through numerous rounds of Covid that we caught from sitting at basketball games. Yet we still cut tree limbs down, carry bags of salt to the softener, we hoe the garden by hand because the tiller tossed us around like puppets on a string. Asking for help is like talking to a rock. We’re tired and sore. We are exhausted. Sitting and relaxing is welcomed. But many evenings we’re walking in the house at 9 p.m. after a match, and we wonder how much stress these millennial parents are putting on these children?

If being rude and complacent to others’ needs is what a millennial is, you failed Humanity 101 and excelled at Gaslighting 400!

Please note, many folks we know 60 and up are as confused as we are. A few have moved away as an excuse to not feel guilted into being Millennial Grandparents.

We love family, but we’d love it more if they truly understood what family meant versus being the family coach and manager. Am I wrong for not wanting to attend my grandchildren’s games? — Retired and Busy

Dear Retired and Busy: You are correct that today’s youth is overscheduled and overprogrammed by helicopter parenting. In fact, there is evidence that children actually need to be bored a little to become more creative and explore life.

Being bored can strengthen kids’ and adults’ creative muscles and imaginations. There is nothing wrong with your grandchildren having activities so long as they take the time to recharge their brains. One of the best ways to do that is by being bored. When they are bored, encourage your kids to go on a nature walk or even just to take a long shower. Anywhere where they can find peace.

You sound resentful at going to attend your grandchildren’s games. If you don’t want to go, then don’t go, but know that you will be missing out on something they enjoy. Try not to be so harsh and judgmental on your “millennial” children. They are doing the best they can. It is a different time than when you were raising your children. Sports are better than just sitting around and playing video games all day. Try to look at the good parts of their parenting. Seeing the glass as half full will lead you to more joy and satisfaction in life.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.