Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’m struggling badly with something that occurred over a week and a half ago. I’m a mom. My son is 15. I’ve been dating a man for two years now, but I’ve known him for over six. He has no kids and has always expressed his interest in becoming a dad.

A year ago, we decided to try for a baby, but I was a bit hesitant considering my son is 15 and I was 35. In my head, that’s kind of old, particularly for me because I’m not very healthy. I have sickle cell disease, so I’d capped my latest age to give birth at 32. He’s a good man to me, and my son’s very fond of him. He told me I wouldn’t have to worry about a thing and that he was preparing for a child for a while now, but it simply didn’t happen. I also knew he would be a great dad, so we agreed to try, and now I’m 36 and expecting.

My issue is that we had an argument the other day and he texted me that he regretted getting me pregnant. I was so hurt. I couldn’t believe he would say such a thing after none of his other relationships produced a child. Now I’m not speaking to him because I’m very upset, and I told him I will not add his surname to the baby’s birth certificate if he’s so regretful. He’s tried to apologize and reached out to my mom to vent his frustration, but I don’t want to hear from him. I didn’t wait 15 years just to have some guy say such a horrible thing to me. Do you think I’m going too far? — Baby Blues

Dear Baby Blues: Your feelings are valid and understandable given the hurtful words exchanged. Words, especially in moments of anger, can leave lasting scars. Communication is crucial here. It’s important to address the hurt and the root cause of the argument to understand whether this was momentary frustration or indicative of deeper problems.

Evaluate the relationship’s overall health and what future you see with him. Is this a one-off or a red flag? Consider if you can overcome this with time, conversation and possibly counseling. The choice on how to move forward should align with what’s best for you and your child.

Dear Annie: I’m 75. When I was 19, I worked with a lady. We were friends, nothing more. She left and got married. I did, too. We both went in different directions. Her hubby was killed in an accident after her three children were born, and she hastily got married again but it didn’t work out. We had a casual thing till she met another man she was with for 13 years. Then he died of cancer. As for me, my marriage lasted 36 years, but my wife and I drifted apart. I remarried again, a marriage that lasted for seven years. Then we both were single, her for 12 years and me for another seven.

I’m a surfer and put up a post on social media, which she saw. She asked if it was me from long ago. We eventually got together and have been seeing each other for the last nine months. I have only been really in love twice. She has turned out to be the second woman I fell in love with. My problem is she loves me but won’t fully commit. She says she can’t go there again but wants me in her life. When she feels she’s getting too close, she backs off. We do the man-woman thing, but after, I have to go home and can never stay over. How do I break this barrier down? — Long Ago Love

Dear Long Ago: Navigating a relationship where one partner is hesitant about full commitment can be challenging. It’s clear you both share a deep connection, but her past experiences are causing her to protect herself from potential heartache. The key here is patience and understanding.

Instead of focusing on breaking down her barriers, concentrate on building a foundation of trust and security between you. Show her through your actions and consistency that you’re there for her, and communicate openly about your feelings and desires for the relationship, without pressuring her for more commitment than she’s ready to give.

Remember, relationships evolve at different paces for everyone. With time and continued support, she may become more open to a deeper commitment.

Dear Annie: I lost my 32-year-old son (the baby of my three kids) almost two years ago to a fentanyl overdose; we all battled his addiction right along with him for more than a decade. He was in and out of jail, and actually skipped out on a court-ordered rehab (which of course led to more jail time).

He had several broken romantic relationships because he stole from his girlfriends. I paid for rehab, which failed within 60 days of him getting out. I paid for his room at a sober living house, which he got thrown out of within two weeks because they found drugs on him.

He was homeless at times because I couldn’t let him live with me; I was not going to be stolen from, but I did buy him groceries and clothing as needed. When he was sober, he was an amazing young man — intelligent, loved to read and draw, was a wonderful musician, was funny and silly with his niece and nephew, and was very giving of his time and energy to anyone who needed help.

Unfortunately, the addiction removed that amazing young man farther and farther away from us until it took him completely. My son was cremated, and many family members got pendants with his ashes in them as a memorial. I wear mine every day, so he is always next to my heart.

Most days I still cry a little bit because I miss him so much. I, too, have guilt about everything. What more could I have done to save him? The only options that I can see would have completely torpedoed my own life, which means they weren’t really options.

I had an inscription put on my son’s urn: “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” My advice to parents and grandparents with an addicted child is to remember that you can’t save anyone from themselves, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much it hurts. Be kind to yourself. All we can ever do is love them and pray that someday, something will change within them to bring them away from that hell. And, if the worst happens, pray that they find the peace in heaven that they could not find here. — Probably Crying Forever

Dear Crying Forever: I am so sorry for your loss. Your son sounded like a wonderful young man. Thank you for sharing your letter. I hope it brings comfort to others in similar situations.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.