Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My 96-year-old mother has two children — me and my older sibling, “Jennifer.” Our mother’s trust originally had Jennifer as trustee, but she moved to the West Coast, about 2,000 miles away. A year and a half before Jennifer moved, she tried to steal some small, expensive pieces of jewelry from our mother. She was caught standing by our mother’s jewelry box tucking these items into her bra.

During the last six months before Jennifer moved, she completely stopped helping and seeing our mother, except to talk to her on the phone, even though she lived only 20 minutes away. Jennifer stopped offering to help with grocery shopping and taking our mother on errands and to doctor’s appointments. Jennifer took advantage of an empty home our mother owned by storing dozens of her own personal items there without my mother’s permission. She also threw out some personal items my mother had at that same home without mother’s permission.

Jennifer’s actions, of course, made my mother extremely angry, and because Jennifer was moving so far away, it made no sense to have her remain as trustee. It would be nearly impossible for her to fulfill her duties as trustee, which include the responsibility of power of attorney.

Afterward, I asked my mother to tell Jennifer of the change to the trust. I also volunteered to tell her in case my mother preferred that I do it. She said she didn’t want me telling Jennifer. She said she would tell Jennifer when she was “damn good and ready” because my sister did many things to my mother without telling or asking her.

It’s been four years now, and my sister has not been informed that she is no longer the trustee. In the trust, we do split everything 50/50, and I have all of the correct documents to prove I am now trustee. From my understanding, a person can change their trust and not disclose it to anyone if they choose.

I really haven’t spoken to, or seen, Jennifer since she moved, except for an occasional holiday card. My mother does hear from my sister every few weeks with a phone call, and I get the impression my mother fears if she told my sister of the trustee change, my sister would be upset and stop all communication and her once-a-year, two-hour visit.

Should I take it upon myself to let Jennifer know or just honor my mother’s wishes and inform Jennifer upon my mother’s death? I don’t foresee my mother telling Jennifer after all of this time. — To Tell or Not

Dear to Tell or Not: You should not tell your sister. It would just cause unnecessary conflicts between the two of you and between your sister and mother. Your mom was fair and split things 50/50, so there is no need to start a fight.

Dear Annie: I notice many readers have problems and anxieties. Maybe something my mother taught me will help them.

She lost two husbands to illness and had a chronic illness herself. We almost lost my brother on the same day my dad died. She raised three boys in a small town taking any job available. Through all these hard times, she always found something to make us laugh. People loved her laugh and smiling face. There is a fine line between laughing and crying, of course. I know she crossed it many times, but few knew.

I was married for 62 years. Our disagreements were short-lived because one of us would make the other laugh. There is a side benefit to this type of lifestyle. When she died at age 82, neither of us had any wrinkles.

In business, I printed small yellow cards with the word SMILE and gave them away. Many people told me they put it on their bathroom mirror and always started their day with a smile.

Whatever your problem is today you won’t remember it in six months. Why ruin a beautiful day feeling miserable. There are other things to think about. If life deals you a hard blow, and you don’t know what to do, remember this.

You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there. — Larry T.

Dear Larry: Thank you for the big smile and big perspective. I’m grateful to people such as yourself, who find little ways to make the world a brighter place.

Dear Annie: About one year ago, I ended my very first relationship. We were together for about six months. He was a horrible boyfriend, but that was only the beginning of it. He sexually violated me the entire time we were together. He didn’t listen to a single thing I asked him to either do or not do. He would kiss me even when I told him I didn’t want to kiss him, sit close by me when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, and touch my legs no matter what I did.

When it was happening, I pinned the blame on myself. I thought I was just scared to do all of this stuff because I’d never done it before. But now I realize it wasn’t my fault.

I haven’t seen or talked to him since I broke up with him. But since then, I’ve been tortured by the thought of him. Everything reminds me of him and makes me feel anxious. I told myself things would get better and in a month I’d be back to normal. But it’s been a year and I still feel tortured remembering what happened. Every night, I’m scared to fall asleep because my dreams are filled with him sexually abusing me. What do I do? — Desperate

Dear Desperate: It is horrendous that your ex-boyfriend treated you so poorly. Intimate relationships are premised on the idea of feeling safe enough around one another to be vulnerable. He turned that on its head. I’m sorry this happened. But I promise you won’t feel this way forever. With the help of the right people, you can process what happened, seek justice and begin to experience life again. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or visit rainn.org to connect with trained specialists who can help you identify the next steps in the path toward healing.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.