Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I work in a small office with only four employees and one supervisor. Two of my colleagues and I are coffee drinkers. Instead of starting a coffee fund, we started taking turns bringing in a fresh container when we find the previous one is running low. This system has worked for us and has prevented any issues from arising.

What we do have an issue with is our supervisor helping himself to the coffee without ever offering to chip in for his share. This has been going on for almost a year, and the three of us are really getting fed up. It has gotten to the point where we will purposely get less coffee just so he won’t have a chance to get any. I realize this might be petty, but I don’t know how to make him understand that he is taking advantage. All we want is for him to contribute his fair share.

How can we approach this subject with him? What can we say to make him realize he is in the wrong? — The Fa“brew”lous Three

Dear Fa“brew”lous Three: The way you signed your letter indicates an exclusive club in which outsiders might not feel welcome. Now, since the troublemaker is your boss, the three of you have to make a decision: Is it worth it to upset your supervisor? If not, then decide in advance that the three of you will pay for him.

But if you really resent that — because it is unfair — then I would suggest putting a coffee plan for the office in writing and asking everyone who drinks coffee, including the supervisor, to participate. The plan should be impersonal: If three workers participate, the cost — or responsibility for bringing a container — will be so much, and if four people participate, the cost per person will be that much less. If he refuses to participate and continues to drink your coffee, then you can either tell him to cut it out or report his behavior to his boss.

The main thing is to keep it impersonal. Don’t attack him for being a mooch. Just lay out the numbers for everyone to see.

Dear Annie: My husband of almost 20 years died in a motorcycle accident. Since then, I was unintentionally reacquainted with my first kiss/boyfriend, “Fred.” We met again, literally, the same week my mom died. We both fell hard in love with each other.

After enduring numerous horrific drunken hurtful situations with Fred over a period of five years, who never told me he blacks out when he drinks alcohol, I am finding myself wondering how much of our five-year relationship he remembers. Does he remember it as I do? We live apart in our own houses.

He helps me a lot. He’s my mechanic, landscaper and handyman, and he’s also a friend. He knows that I’ve been dating and seeing other men the entire time we’ve been apart. Knowing that he experienced a traumatic head injury, do I dare try a relationship with him again? He doesn’t drink any longer. He said he has no apparent desire to. Do I give him another opportunity to make a life together? — Second Chances

Dear Second Chance: I’m very sorry that you suffered the loss of your husband. Fred sounds like he is trying. The fact that he does not drink anymore is huge and would change the dynamics of your relationship. However, without more specifics about this traumatic head injury, it if difficult to know how that could change your relationship. Are you ready to support him through any subsequent mental, emotional or physical traumas? If you love him, he loves you and you’re both going into this relationship with your eyes open, then go for it. If he starts drinking again or if you’re not on the same page, then it’s time to say goodbye to Fred.

Dear Annie: I have a friend, “Donna,” who lives in another state. We’ve been friends for three years. Due to past trauma of being cheated on, I have trust issues, not just in relationships but friendships as well. I’ve damaged and even lost a few friends because of these issues.

Donna is an introvert and doesn’t want to talk all the time. I’m more extroverted. When she says she can’t or doesn’t want to talk, I have doubts about our friendship and it causes fights between us. It hurts because I know she’s a true friend, but I struggle to bring myself to trust her because I think about what I’ve experienced before.

Truth be told, ever since I moved, I’ve missed having a true friend who’s close by. Making friends where I moved to has been a struggle. I’ve tried counseling, but it is expensive. I want to go, but affording it is a challenge. I dislike where I moved from but miss the hell out of my friend. Please help. — Lonely in Wyoming

Dear Lonely: Don’t take Donna’s introversion too personally. Everyone has different communication styles, and just because yours don’t exactly match doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love and value your friendship. Let her know how much you miss her and how you’ve been struggling in isolation after your move. Suggest that you set a standing date — once a week or every other — for a phone call or FaceTime to catch up and keep in touch.

As for settling in in your new city, put your extroversion into volunteering, joining a club or hitting some local scenes to meet people who share your interests. There might also be online therapy or low-cost counseling near you that’s more affordable than the options you’ve already looked into. Remember that growth takes time. Be gentle with yourself.

Dear Annie: I wanted to take a moment and let you know how much I enjoy your column; I think you give the best responses to your readers. I do not have a question, but rather some valuable advice for your readers. You see, I grew up in a home with a toxic marriage modeled by my parents. I remember being about 10 when my mom found out about my dad’s affair and we rode around with a baseball bat, searching for the “other woman.”

Fast forward, they just celebrated 50 years together, and my dad calls me complaining about my mom, and my mom calls me complaining about my dad. I am frankly TIRED of it. If you are in a bad marriage, consider this your approval to end it. I married a man who my counselor said was cut from the same cloth as my mom. It is true! We model and are drawn to it and don’t even realize it.

My mom always taught me that you stay no matter what. I am about to graduate college and will be a social worker. I am so excited to empower/teach others to end what does not serve them. Love is not enduring unlimited abuse, and you don’t get a trophy for the years you stay. This really damages the children; they typically grow up modeling the same stuff they’ve seen, and when you put them in the middle, it sucks! The more I heal, the more dysfunction I see. — Willing to Walk

Dear Willing: Thank you for your letter and wise words. I’m sorry to hear about all the traumas you’ve experienced but am glad they have given you such a strong sense of self-worth and awareness of what you deserve. I agree it’s so important to protect ourselves, our mental peace and overall well-being. Here’s to letting go of the things that do not serve us.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.