Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My daughter, “Emily,” has been dating “Ben” for almost two years. Ben is a great guy, aside from one issue that’s been bugging me: He refuses to drive anywhere and instead has my daughter drive him. He says it’s because a few years ago he was in a car accident and has been scared to drive since. (He was not hurt in the accident.) He has Emily drive him to and from work every day. Emily never complains about it, but it drives me insane because Emily and her kids were also in a car accident a few years back and suffer PTSD from that accident. Ben is aware of this, but doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks it’s no big deal for Emily to get over her fear while avoiding getting over his fear. I want to say something to him so badly, but I haven’t. And every time I say something to my daughter, she gets upset with me. How can I approach the situation without making it worse? — Miffed Mom

Dear Miffed: Your intentions are good, and your irritation is understandable. But Emily is the one behind the wheel, figuratively and literally. When she’s tired of driving him, she can stop. Meanwhile, you can earn interest by keeping your two cents in the bank: If you avoid offering advice when your daughter hasn’t asked, she’ll be more likely to ask you for advice.

Dear Annie: I agree with “What Did You Say” that mood music in TV shows often makes it hard to hear the dialogue. I would add that background noises meant to create “realism” also frequently drown out what the actors are saying. Isn’t the dialogue important enough to make it audible? Because the problem is in the show itself, it doesn’t help much to turn up the volume. If I turn it up enough to make out the dialogue, then the music and ambient noise are so loud that it is annoying.

My wife and I always watch shows with the closed captions on. We find that we even enjoy movies more at home than at the movie theater because we can have the captions on at home. It also helps a lot with BBC shows where the accents and British slang can make it hard to catch what is said. But it would be even better if the shows’ directors and editors highlighted the dialogue and turned down the sound effects. — Not Ready for the Ear Horn in Lafayette, Indiana

Dear Not Ready for the Ear Horn: You’re not alone. A 2017 survey found that 98% of people use closed captioning at least some of the time. While closed captions can certainly be helpful, some have pointed out that they’re far from perfect and, during some live broadcasts, the captions lag behind the visuals. The following letter writer offers another tip to try.

Dear Annie: With regard to the letter about TV dialogue: Very often the problem is that people have their TV set for “surround sound” audio as if they have multiple speakers when they only have the TV speakers. This causes the “background” track to be louder because the “voice track” is expected to be broadcast from its own speaker. — Kate H.

Dear Kate: This is another possible contributing factor to the problem. The exact troubleshooting instructions will depend on the TV manufacturer. For anyone unable to easily find these audio options in their TV settings menu, it’s worth reaching out to the manufacturer’s customer service line.

Dear Annie: I’m stunned by the number of letters to advice columns from parents who gave their children everything and are devastated that their adult children refuse or limit contact with them. I can understand their disappointment and loneliness; it must be painful.

There are people who believe that adult children are responsible for their aging parents’ happiness. They feel entitled to time, attention and a sense of human connection from their grown children, but it’s not a realistic expectation. We’re each responsible for our own vitality, joy and sense of connection.

Adults who want close relationships with their parents put in the time and effort. If adult children avoid contact with their parents, there’s a reason; there’s some kind of disconnection. Parents and adult children need to accept responsibility for the part they play in relationship troubles and be willing to make amends and make changes.

Clinging to the narrative that you did everything for your children and they should now comply with your expectations for the relationship won’t help to heal the disconnection.

If you’re wondering, I have two middle-aged children and several “bonus children” who are estranged from their parents. I’m old, sick and extremely grateful that they all keep showing up here voluntarily. — Family Therapist

Dear Family Therapist: Yes, if you want a close relationship with your children, or really anyone for that matter — spouse, friend, sibling, etc. — you have to put in the work and effort. We get out what we put in. Thank you for your letter.

Dear Annie: I would like to add to the letter about continuing giving past the holidays. I have a good friend who volunteers at our local food bank.

A few years ago, she told me a story about an older gentleman who came in looking for food for his cat. All she had were some pouches of tuna, which she gave him. The story stuck with me.

I know how important pets are, especially to the elderly, and I imagined there are people who would go hungry in order to feed their pets.

So since then, every month, I donate small bags of dog and cat food to the food bank. I would like to encourage others to check with their local food bank and see if there is a need for pet food. And perhaps it would also ease the burden on our shelters, as if people have access to food for their pets, they wouldn’t have to make the heartbreaking choice of surrendering their beloved pets. — Think About the Pets

Dear Pets: Thank you for your letter. You bring up such an important point, which is that taking care of our own four-legged pets, and helping all pet owners do the same, is a wonderful gift to be given year-round.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.