Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for eight years and share two beautiful children. About four years ago, I found him gambling, using substances and going places behind my back while he was supposed to be at work.

We have been in therapy since early 2020, both individually and as a couple. Since that time, he has repeatedly made the same hurtful choices. He says he wants our marriage to be better, but it seems that he’s unwilling to give up his impulsive and selfish ways. Most recently I discovered, while looking through our joint bank account transactions, that he lost $2,000 in online gambling in the last three weeks. When I asked him about these charges, he admitted what he had done and told me he never planned on sharing this mistake with me.

I am hurt, appalled and feeling so lost. I have tried very hard to improve our marriage based on what he says he needs from me, but I don’t know if he will ever agree to fully change his harmful behaviors. I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. Is there any hope for us, or has the damage gone too far and we should part ways? — Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: Your feelings of helplessness and disappointment are more than valid. The fact that your husband is lying, using substances and acting so carelessly with your shared money is already alarming — but even more so with children in the picture.

It sounds like you’ve already tried to approach these incidents with grace. Now your husband is in need of tough love. The National Council on Problem Gambling (1-800-GAMBLER) and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (1-800-662-HELP) are both helpful resources, available 24/7. In no uncertain terms, inform your husband that if he is unwilling to turn his act around, you’ll have no choice but to move on without him. What’s most important is protecting yourself and your children from someone who has proven to be an unpredictable and potentially catastrophic force.

Dear Annie: I read about people in your column wanting to end their marriage because they don’t love their significant other anymore. Here is a piece of advice I was given back in the ’70s that, if followed, may help others avoid this. I’m sorry to say I didn’t follow it for two short-term marriages, but I did for the third one and we are still going strong.

I had a teacher in high school who told us the story of when he announced his daughter was getting married. People were excited for him. He said he asked his daughter one question — what do you think it was? All the girls in class said, “Do you love him?” He said no. He asked her if she liked him. You always hear of people falling out of love, but you rarely hear of someone falling out of “like.” It’s better to start out liking someone and let it grow into love so you have a firm foundation for the future. — Love vs. Like

Dear Love vs. Like: Brilliant — thank you for sharing this lesson.

Long-lasting, successful relationships are incredibly special, but rare. After the butterflies and the honeymoon period fade, it’s vital to take stock of what remains. Shared values, mutual respect and steadfast commitment to one another are undoubtedly three very important elements in the recipe to longtime love.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 26 years, and we both are in our 60s, and neither one of us is in good health. When we married, I had three girls and he had two girls. My husband’s girls are very jealous of me and my girls. I have always tried to love his girls, but they haven’t been very lovable. My girls and I have been told by his girls that we are not their family.

If that’s the way they feel, I get it; I really do. Let’s keep in mind that his girls are 38 and 42.

A few weeks ago, my three girls and some of my grandchildren were here because we were meeting my niece for the first time. Well, his oldest daughter blasted me on social media, saying that if you don’t treat your stepchildren the way you treat your own children, then you don’t love your spouse, and she was tired of being left out. (But keep in mind that, in her head, we are not family.) Her comments cause a lot of problems. My husband’s kids come here all the time. We cook for them and get in the pool. There have been occasions when I’ve left for a little while to give them time to spend time with their dad. I even got blasted for that. Every time something goes wrong, it seems to always be my fault. I’m only as good as what I’ve done lately. I love my husband, but I’m struggling mentally and physically.

After 26 years, shouldn’t things have changed? My husband said that he doesn’t let anyone disrespect me, but he didn’t say one word to his daughter, yet my daughter is upset because the last time she disrespected me, she got in trouble. I stay at home and don’t go anywhere except to the doctor, but all of this drama finds its way here. Please help me! — Lost It Along the Way

Dear Lost: Some people will never let go of the dreams from their past. It seems that your two stepdaughters will never be able to accept that you are married to their father, and instead, they will always view you as an impediment to the relationship that their mother and father had. Without going to family counseling together, it is unlikely that you will be able to change this attitude. You shouldn’t take their comments too personally. If you are confident in how you treat them, be the bigger person and continue to accept them as family. Ask your husband to support you with his daughters and let them know that he is grateful for the relationship that you have with his daughters. If they understand his appreciation for you, then they may be more accepting.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.