Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My husband and I are very open and trusting with one another. However, I noticed he has recently been more cautious about me looking at his phone screen while he’s using it. It seems he’s always trying to close a window and lock his phone whenever I walk into the room.

So, I gave into my curiosity and looked at his phone while he was still sleeping one morning. I found a “hidden” folder of explicit photos of women — most of whom we know in real life. Neighbors. One of my close friends. And they’re not “nudes” that these women would have sent to him. These are photos taken from their social media pages where they may have been wearing something skimpy (like a bathing suit) or posing in a promiscuous way.

I don’t know how to handle bringing this up to my husband. I feel really guilty in the first place for breaking our trust and snooping on his phone, but it feels really strange that he has photos like that on there, especially of people we know. It feels like cheating.

I’m not a prude about explicit content. People look at it; it’s no big deal. I don’t consider someone in a relationship who watches pornography to be a cheater. However, again, these are women we know, and to save these kinds of photos to your phone is so strange. I want to tell my husband how this has made me feel, but I’m really hesitant to even say anything at all. I’ve been holding in my emotions while I figure out how to approach this, and it’s making me sick. I can’t handle seeing him every day and not telling him what’s on my mind.

Annie, what do you think? Is it a big deal that my husband has these photos? Is it even worth it to have this conversation? If so, where the heck do I start? — Shocked at Secret Photos

Dear Shocked: Anything that makes you or your partner uncomfortable is certainly worth having a conversation about. I agree that risque photos of women you both know feels more alarming than admiring a supermodel or popular female celebrity; the familiarity with and accessibility to these women in real life is understandably unsettling.

Come clean with your husband about what you saw and how it made you feel. The longer you sit alone with this information without confronting it, the more anxious and insecure you will be — in yourself and in your relationship. While you describe your marriage as one that is “open” and “trusting,” those, too, can benefit from couples counseling. The fact that you felt compelled to look through your husband’s phone in the first place tells me that the pillars of trust in your relationship could use some TLC.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Doubting Everything in Life,” a young girl who is a rising high school junior. The introverted teen wrote about her fear of making wrong decisions. You offered her some good advice. May I add this quote that we shared with our kiddos?

Teen: “What if I fall?”

Mother: “Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”

I might add that I still use this on my 80-year-old self. — Sunny Grandma in Indiana

Dear Sunny Grandma: A beautiful quote and sentiment, indeed, courtesy of Erin Hanson. Oftentimes, the most wonderful things in life come from taking chances. No matter what lies ahead for “Doubting,” I hope she remembers this and that she is strong and courageous enough to handle anything that comes her way.

Dear Annie: I have a family of grandnieces and nephews who never say thank you or let you know they received their gift. They are young, and I’d blame my niece for not teaching them, but she has five children, and I can imagine it’s hard for her to find the time to teach them to say thank you.

My mom, the great-grandma, stopped sending them gifts because she never heard if they liked them or even if they received them. I don’t want to do that. I blame the parents more and would still send $20 for each of their birthdays. So I sent the oldest, my 14-year-old grandniece, a birthday card with a $20 bill in it, and I sent a text wishing her a happy birthday on her birthday. She thanked me for the birthday wishes but never mentioned the card. So I waited a few days and texted her to see if she got the card, and she replied “yes.” That’s it — just “yes.”

She’s 14, and I’m starting to feel like my mother — that if she can’t even type the words “thank you,” why do I bother? I waited six weeks to see if she would mail a thank-you card, but nothing.

The other grandnieces and nephews from other families send us a text with a picture or video thanking us. They are all out of state, and all I want is an acknowledgement that it got there and how it meant a lot to them that we are thinking of them on their special day.

It’s just this one family, and I didn’t want to treat them differently, like my mom does. My husband says to overlook it because it’s how they are raised, but I feel I should let my grandniece know that if she can’t appreciate the gift, then I will just wish her a happy birthday through text and call it a day. I feel she’s old enough to understand that she should thank someone. — Unappreciated

Dear Unappreciated: You are correct that she is certainly old enough to understand. Her mother is doing her a disservice by not teaching her the importance of gratitude. It has the power to create great things. It is your money, so do what makes you feel most comfortable, and if that is not giving her money anymore, then don’t give it. But I would convey to her WHY you have stopped. She might not even know. A mother is not the only person who can influence good manners on a child. A great aunt can certainly have a positive influence, so talk with her first.

Dear Annie: If I may, could I make another suggestion to go along with “Concerned Animal Lover’s” list? Every month, I donate several small bags of cat and dog food to our local food bank. A good friend of mine volunteers there, and she once told me the story of an elderly man who came in looking for food for his cat. All she had was pouches of tuna.

That really made me think. I know a lot of people will go hungry in order to feed their beloved pets. And with today’s economy, it’s even more difficult for some to make ends meet. So, I would like to encourage people to donate some pet food to their local food banks to help people out. — Another Animal Lover

Dear Animal Lover: What a wonderful suggestion. Thank you.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.