Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Under what circumstances is it OK to cancel your plans with one friend in order to spend time with someone else?

I have a friend who repeatedly cancels her plans with me if she suddenly gets an invitation from someone who is higher status/more socially prominent. I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but she feels I am being too sensitive and that it’s best to “keep things loose,” with the understanding that both parties are free to opt out if something else comes up. The frequent cancellations make me feel like I’m her “backup friend,” with whom she only spends time if she doesn’t get a better offer. What do you advise? — Blown Off

Dear Blown Off: If a friend makes you feel like a backup, she is no friend at all. Even the term “backup friend” is an oxymoron; there’s no such thing!

Once you commit to plans, you should honor that commitment. That doesn’t mean there’s no room for flexibility — we’re all busy, after all — but a pattern of blowing you off for “higher status” company is unkind and unfair.

I would firmly tell this “friend” that you honor your word after making plans with someone and that you expect her to do the same. If she continues to blow you off, she’s probably not even worth penciling in.

Dear Annie: I am turning 38 this year. I’m a father of two with a third due in November — this time, a girl.

I’ve always had an exciting life and liked to party hard with my friends and sometimes with my wife. I like to live on the edge, but recently, things are changing.

My friends think they want to chill and not do the same things we have done in the past. My wife says I need to chill, too, and just take it easy.

I feel different this time around. I feel upset when they don’t want to hang out and just have boys time. I can’t sleep sometimes, and I fight with my inner self from time to time.

I do still go out and make new friends, but it’s not the same, and they’re not like my old ones. I don’t feel happy about this whole situation.

What should I do? — Man-child

Dear Man-child: It sounds like your friends are experiencing a shift in priorities. Having a family doesn’t mean giving up what makes you happy, but it is about compromise and putting others’ needs above your own.

Perhaps it’s time to reexamine your priorities, too. As a father of almost three, you should put being a good role model and taking care of yourself to better support your family at the top of the list.

Commit to balancing boys time out with more boys time at home with your sons, and girls time with your wife and daughter when she arrives. Partying hard is not good for your health, anyway, and it doesn’t set a good example for your kids; they need their father around. Spend time and hang out with your old friends, of course, but give the toned-down activities they’re into these days a shot.

You said it best: Things are changing. With the start of this new chapter, expect there will be more shifts, but treasure all there is to be excited about at home, not just on the edge. Your family will surely appreciate your presence and support.

Dear Annie: I am a 52-year-old man who came to this country when I was 15. I met this friend, “Tom,” when I was in high school, and I spent a lot of time at his house when I was 16.

His mom, “Diane,” was very kind to me, and she was 39 years old at the time. She would take me home after a visit. One night, when she was taking me home, she stopped the car and molested me.

From then on, Diane would molest me quite often. She started brainwashing me and manipulating me, saying that I didn’t need anyone but her. So I disowned my family and moved in with this family. Diane divorced her husband to be with me.

I didn’t want any of this, but that was all I knew at 16. I eventually married my abuser when I was in my early 20s. During our marriage, I could have and should have left. I stayed because she had been brainwashing me since I was 16 to love her and only her.

Fast-forward to 2019; Diane divorced me because she found someone else who is still married and 15 years younger than she is.

Now I miss my own family and keep thinking about how she robbed me of my teenage years and years afterward. My question is: Is there anything I can do legally to hold her accountable for the molestation since there is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse? — Loss and Regret

Dear Loss and Regret: I am so sorry that you had to encounter such a horrible, manipulative person when you were young and vulnerable. No child — and child is what you were — should have to suffer that type of abuse. You sound like you have had some good therapy because you see now that her behavior was truly manipulative and intended to brainwash you. My guess is that your healing and self-care journey will last a lifetime, but that will only make life more joyful. What we put in, we get out of this life.

Of course you miss your family, and that is what the healing is for. Tell them that all the time — how much you missed them. You can’t go back to the past, but you can look to the future. There is a reason the rearview mirror is a lot smaller than the forward-facing windshield. Look toward the future and, as much as you can, forgive your perpetrator and forgive the young boy who didn’t know any better. Once you give yourself that gift, you will feel lighter and less angry. As for legal recourse, I’m not sure. I will print this letter in hopes that an attorney who specializes in this type of law might write to me.

But seeking legal action and having to relive all the trauma again and again might not be the best way for YOU to move forward. The best revenge is living well, so continue to stay committed to that course.

Editor’s note: Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.