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Dear Annie: Woman can’t get past husband’s transgressions

Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’m so confused, and I don’t know what to do. I have been married for four months, and I truly love my husband and believe that he loves me.

My problem is that he cheated on me about two years ago with multiple women, and not only that, he proposed to one of them. It’s a long story. But since then, he’s been the perfect guy — the person I met six years ago.

I can’t seem to get past all the things he did to me before we were married. I cry daily even though it’s been two years since it happened. He does everything for me, but I’m very unappreciative. Should I just call it quits and move on? This is the only way I believe I’ll get over this. What do you think? — Need Answers

Dear Need Answers: The best way to stop agonizing over this is to make a decision and stick with it, no matter what. You could choose to stay with him if you truly believe that he has changed. If so, you must forgive him and put the past in the past — for good. The worst type of suffering we inflict on ourselves is living with resentment and anger. By setting him free, you will set yourself free, too.

On the other hand, if you cannot truly forgive him, you have to break up with him, as living in an ungrateful and angry state will only cause a further divide in your relationship.

You have the power to move on either way. You just have to choose.

Dear Annie: My son has been married twice and has a son from each marriage. The sons are 25 years apart. The older one is married and lives in another state. He does not stay in touch with family here as he should, so I decided to do a search online for him. I was shocked!

He is listed as a child sex offender! My son’s younger son just turned 5, and I worry because my son keeps saying he wants to visit his oldest so the brothers can bond. I am also heartbroken, since I helped raise my oldest grandson and he was a very sweet child. Should I tell my son or keep quiet? — Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken: I understand your shock and hurt. You have to tell your son about this. Your oldest grandson should not be anywhere near children, including his younger brother. Since you helped raise him, reach out to him and make sure that he is in treatment and has a great psychiatrist.

Dear Annie: I have a daughter and a son, who are now 27 and 30, respectively. I have always tried to be a good mother to both of them. But somehow, my daughter was always the lovable one. My son always rubbed me the wrong way, and I scolded him much more and was much stricter with him. I wanted my children to be independent and be able to care for themselves. I guess I pushed my son more than my daughter.

My son was always the angry one, picking on his younger sister. Over the years, I tried several times to ask him why and get him to talk. He never did. Yesterday, he confessed that he was bullied as a child; his father and I never knew and so never did anything about it. He also said that he felt I never loved him as I did his sister.

I told him how sorry I was for what he went through and admitted that I treated him differently, something I never should have done but could not control. He told me he does not hate me, which is what I always felt. What other advice do you have for me to make amends? — Helpless

Dear Helpless: Loving one child more than the other most certainly qualifies as a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes; welcome to being a human. It’s great that you now know better and are trying to do better with your son by taking ownership of your mistakes and assuring him of your love. You might want to seek the help of a professional therapist to better understand why you had a more difficult time with your son. The more you understand yourself, the more you can share with him. You can also let him know that your parenting style had nothing to do with him and everything to do with what you were dealing with as a mother.

Dear Annie: I am a 74-year-old woman. I have two sisters, both of whom are older than me. I just had a heart attack in February. Since then, I have not heard from either one. Not even a hello. I’m not asking for sympathy, but they don’t even ask how I am doing. It has been hard at times. I am going to cardiac rehab, which I know will help in time.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I see them on Facebook sending comments to others who are ill. And birthday wishes. I have sent them birthday wishes and called or sent get well wishes. What should I do? — Feeling Hurt

Dear Hurt: I’m glad you are on the mend and taking the necessary steps to better your health. Sometimes we are looking for sympathy, love and kindness from others when we really need to give all of that to ourselves. Be kind to yourself and your body first. Then call your sisters and tell them how much you miss them.

Editor’s note: Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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