Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I have been married for 15 years. A little over a year ago, I started having an affair with an ex-girlfriend. The affair ended a month ago. It is over and done with.

I am not sure if I should tell my wife about it or just keep it a secret. I feel that if I tell her, nothing good would come from it, other than being truthful. However, I see it destroying the trust she has in me. I can’t think of a good reason to tell her. What should I do? — A Cheater in Upstate NY

Dear Cheater: Ask yourself what your intentions are in confessing. Are you doing it to relieve yourself of guilty feelings? The feelings are there, whether you tell her or not. The real question to ask is why you cheated in the first place. That might be better flushed out with a therapist.

Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 38 years, and it took me quite a long time to realize that this dynamic of being interrupted was not going to change, no matter what I did or said. That type of person is only interested in listening to themselves talk about family stories and things that happened in the past.

If any of your readers find themselves in similar situations, it might be useful for them to take a discreet survey of all family members when they are being interrupted. I was very surprised to discover, after the fact, that my mother-in-law took my side when I was very rudely interrupted by my brother-in-law.

She left the table, a fact that she confided in my husband later on. She told him that she just couldn’t stand how I was constantly being interrupted. She comes from a background of avoiding confrontation at all costs, so I don’t ever expect her to say anything, but her actions speak loudly enough for me and make me love her all the more. — Love My Mother-in-Law

Dear Love My Mother-in-Law: Being interrupted is rude and frustrating, no matter how you look at it. I’m printing your letter because it is nice to hear someone praising mothers-in-law. Usually, people write in to share their frustrations with them, so it was sweet to hear that you love her and that she saw the situation as you did. When she got up and left the table, she was sending a strong message in her own quiet way. Actions speak louder than words.

Dear Annie: As someone who has long suffered from an easily stressed digestive system, I suggest that “Gut Feelings” also see a functional medicine practitioner. Food sensitivities and gut dysbiosis are very common, yet unrecognized, causes of distress.

With testing to evaluate digestive health and identify imbalances, digestive comfort can often be attained with dietary changes and supplements. I’ve been there and am now feeling so much better. — Healthy Gut

Dear Healthy: Congratulations on getting your gut in good health. Taking proper care of one’s body through healthy foods, exercise, meditation or prayer, and lots of sleep, love and laughter, is always a good idea.

Dear Annie: I work in a small office with only four employees and one supervisor. Two of my colleagues and I are coffee drinkers. Instead of starting a coffee fund, we started taking turns bringing in a fresh container when we find the previous one is running low. This system has worked for us and has prevented any issues from arising.

What we do have an issue with is our supervisor helping himself to the coffee without ever offering to chip in for his share. This has been going on for almost a year, and the three of us are really getting fed up. It has gotten to the point where we will purposely get less coffee just so he won’t have a chance to get any. I realize this might be petty, but I don’t know how to make him understand that he is taking advantage. All we want is for him to contribute his fair share.

How can we approach this subject with him? What can we say to make him realize he is in the wrong? — The Fa“brew”lous Three

Dear Fa“brew”lous Three: The way you signed your letter indicates an exclusive club in which outsiders might not feel welcome. Now, since the troublemaker is your boss, the three of you have to make a decision: Is it worth it to upset your supervisor? If not, then decide in advance that the three of you will pay for him.

But if you really resent that — because it is unfair — then I would suggest putting a coffee plan for the office in writing and asking everyone who drinks coffee, including the supervisor, to participate. The plan should be impersonal: If three workers participate, the cost — or responsibility for bringing a container — will be so much, and if four people participate, the cost per person will be that much less. If he refuses to participate and continues to drink your coffee, then you can either tell him to cut it out or report his behavior to his boss.

The main thing is to keep it impersonal. Don’t attack him for being a mooch. Just lay out the numbers for everyone to see.

Dear Annie: My husband of almost 20 years died in a motorcycle accident. Since then, I was unintentionally reacquainted with my first kiss/boyfriend, “Fred.” We met again, literally, the same week my mom died. We both fell hard in love with each other.

After enduring numerous horrific drunken hurtful situations with Fred over a period of five years, who never told me he blacks out when he drinks alcohol, I am finding myself wondering how much of our five-year relationship he remembers. Does he remember it as I do? We live apart in our own houses.

He helps me a lot. He’s my mechanic, landscaper and handyman, and he’s also a friend. He knows that I’ve been dating and seeing other men the entire time we’ve been apart. Knowing that he experienced a traumatic head injury, do I dare try a relationship with him again? He doesn’t drink any longer. He said he has no apparent desire to. Do I give him another opportunity to make a life together? — Second Chances

Dear Second Chance: I’m very sorry that you suffered the loss of your husband. Fred sounds like he is trying. The fact that he does not drink anymore is huge and would change the dynamics of your relationship. However, without more specifics about this traumatic head injury, it if difficult to know how that could change your relationship. Are you ready to support him through any subsequent mental, emotional or physical traumas? If you love him, he loves you and you’re both going into this relationship with your eyes open, then go for it. If he starts drinking again or if you’re not on the same page, then it’s time to say goodbye to Fred.

Editor’s note: Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.